'My MIL is putting Conservative memorabilia in my baby's room. AITA for how I reacted?' UPDATED 2X

"AITA? MIL is putting Republican memorabilia in my baby's room."

My husband (34M) and I (29F) are expecting our first child. He is an only child and his mother (65F) is over the moon excited. She lives about a mile away, and my husband and I both work, so she has made a nursery at her house for baby to stay. More on that later...her and I have an okay relationship, not antagonistic, but we are wildly different.

I was raised by a Gen-X, "cool" mom where we talked about everything and I was raised to be independent. We have our fights but it's healthy, open communication. When I make a decision or set a boundary, as an adult, that's respected without question in my family. My MIL is a more typical, traditional mom. Very doting on her son who was a "perfect angel."

In reality, he was just good at not getting caught and telling his mom what she wanted to hear. I give the context because the mismatch between how I'm used to communicating, and how her and her son communicate, is part of the problem. Now the story. My MIL is a Tr*mp supporter, my husband and I are very much not.

We live in a conservative southern state and I'm no stranger to Republicans. Some of my closest family members are Republicans, but none of them are Tr*mp "believers" like my MIL. Even if they were, they respect me too much to talk about it because they know where I stand. I usually try and do the same for my MIL and steer conversations away from politics when I can.

It is hurtful to me that she is voting against my rights. My state outright bans ab-rtion. Every time I go to the doctor, I'm afraid something is wrong with the baby and, as a result, I will pass away. I'm trying to not to let her political beliefs affect how I see her, but it's hard. That's when she sends me pictures of the nursery. She's done an elephant theme.

Hanging on the wall is a painting with the republican stars-and-stripes elephant. I had heard about this from my husband beforehand, but didn't realize how prominent it was. She told him "I mean I had to, I'm a republican." When I first heard, I immediately freaked out. I think it's inappropriate to put anything political in a nursery.

I know there will be some hard conversations down the road when it comes to what conversations I do/don't want had with my kid, what I don't want on TV, ect. Republican signage over the crib feels like a bad omen. My husband's attitude is to "pick his battles." He has no problem fighting with his mom if she crosses a line, but doesn't see the picture as a big deal.

Me, I feel that if a small thing is a point of contention, what's going to happen when it's a major boundary that needs to be set. He was fine with me handling the situation how I saw fit.

I sent this message: "The room looks great, but I can't say I like the republican elephant hanging up there. I get yall are, but I'm very much the opposite and don't really want that around my kid. Do you think we can take that down? It'd make me feel more comfortable." I got zero response. This isn't the first time where I've sent a message setting a boundary and gotten radio silence.

Or, we'd have a conversation over the phone, and I'd think everything was resolved until my husband talked to her and she's still upset. To give my husband credit, he's not defending her in any way or taking "her side" over mine. He's just used to ignoring her, and I'm used to hashing things out.

He's out of town but when he gets back he plans on visiting in person and setting things straight. First I need to know though, am I overreacting by being this bothered? Does the situation actually warrant fighting with my MIL? I do NOT want to set a precedent of me being uncomfortable with something and saying nothing where my child is concerned.

Not long after posting, OP shared an update.

ETA/Minor Update:

Just a couple of points I clarified in comments I want up top. My MIL has made a baby room at HER house. We have our own nursery at our house that I'm decorating how I want.

We were gifted two cribs, and they have an empty bedroom, so I had no issue (but there was no discussion prior). I never asked my MIL to babysit. She assumed she would babysit when I return to work, which is okay! She's retired and lives close by. I have no problem (before all this) with her being a part of my baby's life.

We are not in a spot where her providing child care is make or break. I work from home and have a flexible schedule. It'd be inconvenient, but MIL babysitting a few mornings a week is more for her than us. I don't hate my MIL. I don't think she's a bad person.

She raised a son who is a wonderful husband and will be a great dad. She didn't force beliefs when raising him. It's a situation a lot of us are facing with our parents: eight years of Fox News and the cult of Tr-mp changing people we love into someone else. I am trying to see the best in my MIL and not hurt her in this situation. But nobody's feelings come before what I think is best for my child.

Today I spoke with my husband about my concerns. He agreed that his mother needs to talk with me when I have concerns and follow any rules I set forth. He called her but didn't think it'd be a fight, because he believes in his mom. It did not go well. He is out of town but when he gets home tomorrow, he is going over there to have it out. In his words "I'm handling it."

The internet had a lot to say.

musical_shares wrote:

She can have whatever she likes in her own home, of course. My kid just wouldn’t be one of the things that’s ever in that room of her house. My MIL tried to set up a nursery to play house with our kids at her house, and we completely levelled with her that there was 0 point.

Our kids would never spend (and have never spent) the night with her unaccompanied by us, and would 100% of the time be sleeping in their playpens and eventually an air mattress in the same room with us. The type of person who pushes their opinions onto others is the same person who will justify trampling boundaries and doing whatever they feel like with your kid if they believe it’s right.

Impossible_Balance11 wrote:

Understanding boundaries means you realize you cannot control--and shouldn't try--how your MIL decorates any part of her own house. Understanding boundaries means she comes to realize your child will never cross the threshold of that room, never spend a single nap or night in that room while that right-wing political crap adorns the walls.

Because your minor child's whereabouts are within your areas of control, and because she is 100% trying to undermine your parenting choices and politically indoctrinate your child from the cradle days. If you are dependent on her for child care while you work, you're SOL. Hope you can find and make other arrangements. Signed, Fellow Southerner feeling overwhelmed in a deep-red state.

OP responded:

I think something that's being missed is I never actually asked my MIL to watch the baby. I never asked her to make a baby room. It's all stuff she kinda just assumed. Now if I say, actually, we don't need child care, she will be crushed.

This is my first kid and I'm the only one of my friends to have kids, so I'm missing what a normal level of involvement is for a grandparent. I really expected when I asked her to take the picture down she just would.

My husband reassured me that she would not step out of line because she knows he will chew her out and she won't see the baby. Now I don't think that. At the very least, she sees HIM as the authority on the child and not me.

JTD177 wrote:

When Harris wins the election, they will do an official portrait of her standing in front of a US flag, make sure to hang it in your child’s nursery at home. That way, every time the MIL comes to visit, she can see it.

OP responded:

OMG I needed that laugh, thank you 😂

After receiving more feedback, OP jumped on with another update.

I just heard my husband's side. He spoke with his mom for 30 minutes on the phone and it was a disaster. For anyone saying this was a way of her testing boundaries, you were right.

It started with MIL acknowledging she read my text but didn't respond because she didn't think it was a big deal. He said well, it is a big deal for my wife and this needs to be resolved. She then goes into how we could use this as a "teaching moment" for how to be accepting.

He reminded his mom she knows what our politics are and she knew exactly what she was doing putting that up. The conversation then devolved into name calling. At one point she called him a f-scist and said he needed to "grow some balls" if the picture bothered him instead of making it an issue when his wife said it was an issue.

Very typical, your wife is the bad guy trying to keep her away from grand-baby. As you can guess, this didn't go over well. He made it clear that her issue is not with me. Now that MIL disrespected his wife, he's got a problem with her. I (wife) have given MIL a lot of slack and not jumped down her throat for the offensive things she's said.

It's MIL that is putting politics over family.

It was never about the elephant. He wasn't worried at first about her respecting our rules, but with how she's acting, he knows it's a problem. Conversation cut off there but he is going over there in person tomorrow to start it right back up.

He made it clear to MIL this is not her child and she does not have decision making power. I'll update tomorrow if there's any big developments, but as of right now I feel validated that something was indeed off. And I'm grateful that my husband and I are on the same page and supporting each other.

The comments kept coming in.

Illustratorslow1614 wrote:

“I don't attack her for her views. She's said some racist, ignorant things in my presence and I still go over with a smile on my face and try and maintain a relationship. That's different when my kid is in the picture.”

If you don’t challenge racist comments before there are children on the horizon, you’re going to get a rude awakening if you try and do it after the children are born. MIL’s racism and ignorance has gone unchecked for so long, and OOP has rugswept it all, that it’s storing up trouble. MIL is going to push back hard because OOP let it go for so long.

Don’t be afraid to have the argument! Don’t coddle racists or allow them to think by your silence that you agree. Don’t wait to have the argument until you’re heavily pregnant or recovering post-partum! You’ll be exhausted and beaten down. It isn’t ok to say racist, ignorant stuff, whether there are children around or not.

digitydigitydoo wrote:

This is not someone OP should entrust with her child. MIL will absolutely try to teach the kid to be an intolerant b-got. Granny needs to be kept on a very short leash.

Tinysydney wrote:

Funny how it's always the archer telling the target to grow a thicker hide.

Storm_Gren wrote:

"It was never about the elephant."

At least they were actually talking about the elephant in the room instead of ignoring it!