'AITA for ditching my MIL on Thanksgiving because she always makes it worse?'
"AITA for ditching my MIL on Thanksgiving"
roseypaige writes:
My mother-in-law has been ruining Thanksgiving for me for years, and somehow she makes it more complicated every year. It started out with her just being overly stressed about hosting, and she would snap at everyone and make the whole atmosphere uncomfortable.
But I always tried to be helpful and understanding. I mean, hosting is stressful, right? Then one year, I walked in on her smack-talking the dessert I had brought to my SIL, and it hit me hard. Thanksgiving has never been the same for me since. In recent years, other people in the family have voiced their opinions about her antics, so at least I felt less alone in it.
One year, she passive-aggressively announced to everyone in a group text that, since it was very expensive, she would need us all to split up the dishes and bring something (as if we weren’t already doing that for years to begin with).
She would often assign my husband and me things that she knew we "couldn’t mess up" (mind you, I cook for my family literally every day with zero complaints), like "bring pepperoni and cheese and crackers." I designed a massive charcuterie board that year just to prove I was capable of more than just "bringing pepperoni and cheese."
The following year, she texted us that, in addition to splitting up the menu, she would be purchasing all the ingredients for us, instructed us to Venmo her our share, and said she would drop them off with her preferred dishes that she would like them served in.
The worst part is that, while she had assigned Sweet Potato Casserole to me because she doesn’t like it, she didn’t even drop off fresh ingredients (1/2 bag of stale marshmallows from her pantry and a can of yams) or the right ingredients (or the right size dishes). In addition to Venmo’ing her, I still needed to go out and buy the ingredients for my dish.
Last year was particularly stressful with them in general, as there was a lot of other family drama going on. The one SIL I’m close with was going to be out of town for the holiday with her family anyway. So I put my foot down and told my husband I refused to spend the day with his mom and wanted to have Thanksgiving at home with my family.
He understood, and my in-laws had friends they were hosting anyway. Then, at the last minute, their plans fell through, and they had no one to spend Thanksgiving with. So, OF COURSE, I agreed to invite them to our Thanksgiving.
This year, we had all been avoiding the Thanksgiving conversation, except my FIL, who is relatively oblivious to everything and would talk about it every time we saw him as if everything was going back to normal. So, in the spirit of trying to heal all the stuff from the past, I didn’t argue and just waited for further instruction from my MIL.
A few weeks ago, she came to my house and politely uninvited us, stating that "it’s just a lot of people this year." For context, it is a lot of people—she had always invited my family over as well, which I appreciated.
And if she’s telling me she feels it’s too much for her, who am I to argue? To be honest, I was relieved not to have to spend the day with her. Until I turned and looked at my daughter’s face. And my husband’s face when I told him. They were both extremely hurt that they were being excluded.
On one hand, it was understandable why she had chosen us (we have a whole other family to celebrate with), but on the other hand, her other children and grandchildren were still invited, so they definitely didn’t feel great about it.
To make it worse, she suggested that we do Thanksgiving at my mom’s house (my mom was fine with it, but I thought it was a bit odd to go volunteering her to host without even talking to her), and then EVERYONE (all the people that were too many for my MIL) could meet at MY house for pie and a bonfire.
Fine. My kids would be devastated if they didn’t get to see their cousins for Thanksgiving, so we’ll make it work. I think I’ve been a really good sport. Even when she made it extra awkward by not telling ANYONE that she had uninvited us, including her own husband, who awkwardly asked what the plans were and was just hushed and told, "Don’t worry about it."
Even when she lied to my 11-year-old niece’s face when she asked her if my kids would be there and she said, "Of course, why wouldn’t they be?" (I literally had to turn to my 14-year-old, who witnessed the initial conversation, and ask if I had imagined it—she assured me I had not.)
Fast forward to two days ago, and my husband gets a phone call from his mom telling him that their plans fell through again, and would we like to come after all? From a logistical standpoint, we’ve already planned our menu for my mom’s Thanksgiving and purchased the majority of the food.
From a moral standpoint... NO. Just no. Why would I want to go over there after all the frustration she put everyone through this year? And to top it off, it REALLY bothered me the way she went about it—when she knew my husband might be upset, she came to me to uninvite us.
When she knew I would be peeved to have to change plans again, she went to him. It just feels so manipulative and cowardly. I felt really justified in putting my foot down and saying, "No, you made your bed, now lie in it."
Except... everyone is unhappy. My kids are unhappy. My nieces are unhappy. My husband is unhappy. AITAH for wanting to just stick to the original plan to avoid my MIL as much as possible that day? I don’t want my pride to ruin everyone else’s Thanksgiving, but I also REALLY don’t want to spend it with her.
Here are the top rated comments from readers.
Usual-Canary-7764 says:
OP this is your opportunity to start YOUR own family tradition. Thanks giving at YOUR house. Whatever MIL's plans are? "Don't worry we are doing our thanksgiving but will stop by in the evening and say hi for an hour since we will be having a hectic day".
I notice in all you wrote you have never once mentioned your husband confronting his mother about all her nonsense which to me says you have a bigger husband issue than a MIL one. It's his mother he can deal with her.
Spend time with your family in your house and see how many of these heartaches will disappear like magic. She bad mouths you, undermines you, excludes your family...why do u keep enabling her by going back to her? NTA.
Astyryx says:
And one of those traditions can be the Cousin Friday, where you have all the cousins over for games and play, or meet at a trampoline park or something. What you want to do, what you need to do, is ice MIL out, or rather, "She's done so much I wouldn't dream of imposing on her."
CuteeCharlotte says:
I'm hoping that when I get married i won't have this type of MIL. Anyway OP, NTA. your MIL has been difficult, and you’ve tried to be understanding, it’s fair to stick to your plans.