'My MIL landscaped our entire garden while dog sitting for a week - what do I do?' UPDATED

"My MIL landscaped our entire garden while dog sitting for a week - what do I do?"

My husband (35m) and I (29f) went on holiday for a week and just got back tonight. My in laws stayed at our house and looked after our dog for us while we were away. We got back tonight to find that MIL has completely changed our garden without our consent while we’ve been gone.

We have a small-ish paved garden with some raised flower beds, a couple of trees and some nice flowers and bushes, most were left by previous owners and we’ve cared for them the best we can, weeded, laid wood chip and kept the garden tidy.

While we’ve been away, an entire tree on the right hand side has been removed and is now just a stump, with new shrubs and flowers planted in its place. My roses, which I enjoyed caring for, have been cut to a stump with nothing left, the trellis completely bare.

The two other trees have been cut back dramatically, all their flowers and buds are gone, the huge flowers on one bush have been cut off, and the garden feels very exposed and barren. The tree that was cut to a stump flowered beautifully in summer and attracted lots of butterflies, and I’m big on biodiversity so that was so sad, and the roses I’m devastated about as my uncle was helping me care for them.

Various other jobs have been done like cutting a small patch of grass we have at the back, and jet washing the paving slabs, which I’m grateful for. It’s important to note, nothing like this was discussed before we left, we only asked MIL and FIL to care for our dog, nothing more. MIL mentioned patching some missing sealant on the windows of our shed for us, that was all.

I really struggle with anxiety and needing to be in control and I’ve been sobbing this evening, I’m devastated. MIL is asleep and FIL is staying out of it, I’m sleeping downstairs with our dog because I can’t stand to be away from her either. It’s 3am but I can’t sleep. What do I do? Am I right to be upset? I’m certain their intentions were good, but I feel like this is an enormous overstep and I’m really upset.

The internet had a lot of thoughts to share.

Good_Attorney_8410 wrote:

This is…insane. OP, I’m not sure what the “right” thing to do in this situation would be, but I'd be having a serious sit down with both my husband and MIL. WHY did she think it was okay to cut your things down to stumps? Why did she do it only while you were gone on vacation? Why did she replant things when things were already grown and seemingly matured in the garden?

OP responded:

Thank you for the validation! And yes need to have a sit down talk for sure.

No_Roof_1910 wrote:

"What do I do?"

Set, maintain and enforce proper boundaries OP.

Or don't and things like this will keep happening.

OP responded:

You’re so right. I need to be clear this was not okay.

MaryKay0007 wrote:

Who has the audacity to do this? Did your husband know what was happening?

OP responded:

He had no idea, he was as blindsided as I was. I can’t quite believe it. They’re very caring people so I know this wasn’t done maliciously but it’s crazy to me…

wickeddradon wrote:

What do you do? She overstepped, big time. Sit her down and tell her that if she does anything like that again, she's in a time-out. Your roses will probably be OK. They are incredibly resilient, usually. My dad cut my mother's roses off, right at ground level. Neither of them were into roses, really. Two years later they are back, better than ever.

OP responded:

That’s actually so good to hear thank you! I’m definitely not a gardener but I loved seeing the roses come back each year and they’re this lovely yellow and orange colour so I really hope they can come back again.

pixie-ann wrote:

Why does your MIL think she has the right to do this to you? What did you say to her when you saw what she’d done? What has your husband done to make sure she knows this is a massive breach of trust? Why is FIL staying out of it? You know you can never trust her in your home again don’t you. Get those keys back and find a good local pet sitter. This is unforgivable.

Noetelluson wrote:

Could you send your MIL over to my house? Two birds and one stone kinda thing here. In all seriousness, she overstepped and it's appropriate for you to be upset. But sobbing, devestation and insomnia over it is disproportionate. I'm saying this as someone with OCD - please talk to a therapist. You don't need to live this way.

OP responded:

Thanks for your concern, I do have issues with my mental health but it’s managed with medication and I have been to therapy several times in the past. Given that I’d returned home at 1am to this after a long day and turbulent flight without any notice I don’t think crying and feeling devastated is an overreaction, but it’s all relative I guess.

It wasn’t just about the plants, it was the feeling of not being able to control something that happened to my home. Others have told me to go no contact with my MIL and kick her out screaming which I’d argue is much more disproportionate!

A day later, OP shared an update.

Thank you to everyone who left comments on my original post, it was really helpful to see everyone acknowledging that this was an overstep and suggesting that my husband lead on the conversation. To answer some questions, I think the tree was a Buddleia which I think is usually a bush but it was quite mature and had a trunk about 8 inches wide and was around 2/3 meters tall and very much looked like a tree.

Sorry if I gave the impression it was like a huge tree that required a tree surgeon but it wasn’t a tiny bush either it was still a task to chop it down, and they didn’t hire anyone they did it themselves.

Thank you for all the suggestions about tree law, I’ve learned something new! Thank you to all that said the roses might be salvageable, they are literally a stump only 3 inches tall but I’ll try the blood and bone mixture to promote growth and try to bring them back.

MIL has done things like this before but not to this extreme, she gets bored and one thing leads to another and you can tell part of her knows she’s gone too far but she tries to justify it anyway. It’s well known in the family that MIL can’t sit still and finds jobs to do to be “helpful” but to my knowledge she hasn’t done anything this big before.

Now for the update. In the morning my husband spoke to MIL alone and laid out how this was really inappropriate for her to make changes to our garden without permission or even notification. He said she offered some explanations as to why she did it, but did acknowledge it wasn’t right to go ahead and cut down trees without asking.

He posed the question many of you suggested of how would she feel if we looked after her home and repainted a room, or chopped a tree down in her garden, or removed a fence? I think that made her realise. He asked her to speak to me directly and apologise as I said to him I needed an apology and for her to acknowledge that what she did was wrong.

Later MIL spoke to me privately and said she was “sorry I was so upset by the garden” and I said thank you. Her explanation for the tree is that she was doing some pruning (didn’t ask her to but anyway…) and when she trimmed the branches they were black inside. They went to a garden centre and got advice and were told it was this kind of bug infestation?

MIL is adamant she was being bitten by whatever bug it is as well. I don’t know, the tree was green and healthy looking to me. Anyway at no point did they speak to us despite going to all this trouble, then they decided to just chop it down since it was “infested”. She did at least say the words “I know we should have called you or asked”.

Then I said “and the roses? I loved those and my uncle was helping me keep them going” and she said the dog had been chewing on them - bear in mind these are in a raised bed she’d have to jump up at to get to, and apparently she yelped and hurt herself on the thorns. So obviously the logical conclusion isn’t to keep an eye on the puppy (a 4m old lab) but to chop down the flowering roses…

That was the end of that discussion but later in the day she and FIL went to a garden centre to try to replace both the Buddleia and the roses but couldn’t find the right kind.

They have said that if we find the plants we want they will buy them for us so we can replace them. Things are civil again, I’m still hurt and I hate how my garden looks, especially since other trees and flowering bushes were cut so far back all the colour is gone.

It feels very exposed and like a new build/show room garden before any character is added, but I can’t make the plants regrow and replanting the tree would mean removing the stump they left so I cba. Personally I will never allow MIL and FIL to be alone in my house again, and they will not be asked to look after our dog unless it’s at their own home.

I do have a generally good relationship with both MIL and FIL and they are generous and kind people, but this lack of respecting boundaries has been an ongoing issue especially since we got our house, which they did a huge amount of work on with us and for which I’m extremely grateful.

I do however feel like this contributes to how they view the house and garden as a project and not as our home despite the fact we have lived in the finished house for two years now, and might be why they thought it was no big deal to go around messing with our garden.

My husband has been on my side throughout this and took us all (me, him and the dog) out for a Sunday roast today to cheer us up. He’s upset with his parents as well and has done his best to make me feel better and validate my feelings. He’s the best.

The internet was invested in the update.

Walkingonsunshine83 wrote:

I fired a gardener after he cut my 4-foot tall rose bush with gigantic blooms down to a 1-foot stump — in May! Too much trimming and the wrong time of year. I was furious. That was over a year ago, and the rose bush has not recovered yet. It is not as tall and the blooms are not as large or pretty. So, I understand your pain. I would be angry, too, especially about cutting down a tree!

lydieaseyeroll wrote:

Someone did this to me. I gave them the key to my new house while I left town for a few days to retrieve a UHaul of furniture and when I got home late at night I walked in on a half-completed kitchen reno.

She'd hired someone to nail (yes, nail) drywall into our plaster walls (but only the top half of the walls, above the chair rail). Nothing had been patched, just raw gypsum board nailed flush with our window trim and door frames. It looked insane.

She was so pleased with her contribution to our home makeover. She completely destroyed our kitchen walls and forced us into a reno we'd never planned to do and didn't have the money for. I know exactly how violated you feel. You will never forget this moment in your relationship with your mother-in-law, trust me.

OP responded:

That’s completely insane?? I’m so sorry you had to go through that, what a bizarre thing to do.

Suspicious_Mark4445 wrote:

The first thing you should have done was get back on your meds and schedule your next appointment with a metal health professional. You have totally overreacted, if you’re making such a big deal over something that won’t matter one year from now, get over yourself. Again seek professional counseling.

OP responded:

Excuse me? Who are you to make assumptions about my mental health and treatment with zero context? Have a read of the other comments here, you’ll find you’re in the extreme minority in thinking this reaction was unwarranted.

NOSE_DOG wrote:

OP is a doormat and a dumba*s for accepting that "sorry if you got your own feelings hurt by me doing you a favor" apology. Now the MIL knows she can get away with almost anything by making some vague gestures that kind of resemble accountability. So OP has that to look forward to! But at least she has her "peace."