'My mom called me selfish over an incident that happened when I was teenager. AITA or is she?' UPDATED 3X

"My mom (52F) called me (28F) selfish over an incident that happened when I was teenager. AITAH or is she?"

I (28F) was visiting my mom this weekend and I turned a video on while we crafted, Smosh's new video. One of the first videos they cover is on the story of a mother losing her daughter's Louis Vuitton bag. We listened to it and I said it sounded similar to the "phone incident" when I was younger. My mom got really defensive, said that I was selfish as a teenager and I am acting selfish now.

We argued for a bit and she said "I wonder what the internet would think of our story". So, I decided to find out.

For my 15th birthday, my grandpa sent me a new smart phone in the mail. I was incredibly excited about it and my mom was really upset.

She said that it was "inappropriate" for me to have a more upgraded phone than she did (he sent me the newer version of the phone she had) and that there was no way she was going to let me have the phone. So, instead of transferring my sim card to my new phone, she went and transferred hers to the new phone and mine to her phone.

Her argument was that I still had a newer phone than my previous one, so I should be grateful. But given the new smart phone had been a gift, I was really upset and called my grandpa (her dad) to complain. He then called her and chewed her out for it, which made her yell at me for "involving him."

She said again there was no reason for me to have such an upgraded phone when I only used it to talk to my friends and she used her phone for work. Our argument went on for over a week before I just dropped it, but I was bitter for a long time. She continued to bring up how "unbelievably selfish" I had acted and that she was disappointed to have raised such a selfish daughter.

Every once in a while, especially at family gatherings, this story will be brought up by someone and the argument starts all over. My brother (17 at the time) and my dad stayed "neutral" on it, and my grandpa was pissed but lived in another country and couldn't do much but call my mom like he did.

That's the story! My mom called me selfish again when I brought it up and said that my continued bitterness towards this event just goes to show how ungrateful/entitled that I am. No matter how many times I tell her that what she did was pretty messed up. So, who is the AH?

Not long after posting, OP shared two updates.

Edit: The intention was always to show the verdict of this post to my mom, since it was her idea to see what the internet would think. I texted her and asked her if there was anything she'd like to add before I forwarded the post to her and just got this back:

"As I have said, it was not appropriate for a girl of your age to have a more capable smart phone if you weren't going to use it for anything other than texting your friends. Your grandpa did not ask me before sending the phone to you."

"I told you that you could not have the phone and you continued to ask for it so I gave you my old one as compromise which was a newer and nicer phone than the one you had, and you still continued to ask for the newer one even after I said no. I maintain that your behavior was that of a selfish teenager, and I think any moms online will agree with me. Hopefully your post puts an end to this argument."

I will add that she said this weekend "this was before Instagram what would you have used the phone for?" The new phone in question was a Samsung Galaxy 2. My mom had the Samsung Galaxy 1 and I had a Nokia slider phone before my grandpa sent me the new one.

Edit 2: I am going to take screenshots of this post and send them to my mom after work. Will try to update when I can. I don't expect she'll be happy but I agree with her that hopefully we can stop bringing this up!

The internet had OP's back all the way.

alexandermals wrote:

You are NTA, but your mom certainly is. It takes a hell of a lot of nerve to steal your child’s gift because you want it and then claim that the child is selfish! Your mother’s take is strictly self serving so she doesn’t have to admit that she’s wrong for stealing from her own child.

Caspian4136 wrote:

You are NTA by any stretch of the imagination. But your mom is, and a major one. I'm a mom too. I would never, EVER steal a gift to one of my kids, even if it was a phone I wanted. She should be ashamed of herself. Her "reasons" were total BS and she's convinced herself she's the victim here. You weren't ungrateful or entitled.

She's the entitled one. Sorry she did that to you, must have broke a lot of trust you had in her when you were a kid. Sorry she backstabbed you and then tried to gaslight you about the whole thing.

And sorry that now, over a decade later, she still can't admit she was wrong and apologize to you for it. At least everyone else knows what an absolute turd she is, no one and I mean no one would ever buy that what she did was right or justified.

DigitalMuaddib wrote:

NTA. I, a father, bought my SON a phone that was three generations newer than the one I have for Xmas last year when he turned 14. Did I want a newer model? Yes. But I’m not going to be selfish and buy myself a new phone and give him my old one because I am not a jerk.

Don’t sweat it. YOU can let it go; she obviously can’t. Either kindly ask her to stop and let it go or just ignore her when she mentions it. That’s such a small thing to hold onto. Petty as hell, really.

Immediate-Can9337 wrote:

Your NTA. Let's call a spade a spade.

Your mom is an unrepentant thief.

Show this to her.

OP responded:

Oh, I plan on it! It was her idea but I don't think she is going to like what she sees

A day later, OP shared an update.

Posting an update here instead of AITAH so I can just add screenshots. It is unfortunately not much of an update. I sent my mom about a dozen screenshots from the (then) 100 or so comments on the post right when I got off work. She didn't acknowledge or respond to them for a while, kept trying to talk about other things and I had to keep pressing her to read the comments.

I did most of the heavy lifting, she kept trying to change the subject and I had to keep redirecting. I tried to call her a few times after she said she read the comments and she would not answer, even though I think talking over text made this infinitely more frustrating. I don't feel like we came to any conclusion other than to never bring it up again! (The final screenshot is from my brother, Jay).

Thanks for everyone for giving me better language to talk about this situation and sharing similar experiences. I think it is just something my family has never been able to get over as stupid as it is. My grandpa passed 3 years ago so unfortunately we cannot get his opinion! https://imgur.com/a/Vcah6CG

Transcripts of the text messages between OP and her mom

Mom: Yes I read the comments you sent me. Obviously it isn't great to see random people talking about me on the internet

OP: I know

OP: Like I'm not even upset about the actual phone anymore. I feel like you keep mentioning the phone specifically. It's now more that after all these years you wont acknowledge even a little that what you did was hurtful to me as a teenager and that people like Jay keep bringing it up because it was hurtful.

I'm really sick of being called selfish for years because of this one thing and YOU keep bringing it up seemingly just to tell people you think I'm selfish?? Sorry to say but I think most of the family agree with the comments.

Mom: Yes okay. I do understand it's not about the phone Viv but when a mother says no she expects that to be the final word. When you have kids you will understand. From my point of view every one is questioning my parental decisions.

Does not feel good being called an ahole for saying no to my kid..why do cousins need to have an opinion about what happened let alone strangers. Maybe selfish was the wrong word to use for your behavior that's fine.

OP: I'm not even sure what to say to that

OP: You say you understand it's not actually about the phone but like do you understand that how you went about this was hurtful and that you've continued to be hurtful about it for years.

OP: There are literally comments talking about gaslighting me about this

OP: Did you show dad?

Mom: Yes

OP: And?

Mom: Dad says we need to both get over it...I would like to but for some reason it keeps being brought up.

OP: I would also love to get over it but you are one of the ones who keep bringing ot up??

OP: Again, it feels like you keep retelling the story just to tell a story about me being selfish and for no other reason

Mom: Jay brings it up too

OP: Jay brings it up to emphasize your behavior sometimes idk

OP: I think the rest of the family want it to be a funny story and it isn't for us

OP: I am happy to never bring it up again

OP: I'm sick of talking about it

OP: But that's means you can't bring it up again either

OP: If you do I'll show people the post lol

Mom: That's fine

Mom: Going to bed now love you

OP: Night please call me tomorrow

Conversation between OP's brother and their mom

Mom: ffs is PhoneGate finally over

Jay: lol maybe she said you have to stop talking about it

Mom: :ok_hand: idgaf

The internet had a lot to say in response to the update.

This-will- wrote:

I commented on your original post but in my mind I had predicted that this was gonna be a reaction. This is such a frustrating response but just accept it and roll with it. Some people will just never admit that they are wrong.

That takes a lot of grace and I'm sorry, a person who can't help but berate her own daughter is incapable of having such grace, so why keep that expectation? I mean if the verdict would have been that you indeed were the AH she would have rubbed it in your face but since she has been named the AH, she wants to move on with life and forgive and forget.

This was behaviour that I think we all predicted - maybe she should have thought twice before suggesting you put the story online lol. Can't complain about strangers commenting on your bad parenting when it was your idea to open it up to discussion in the first place.

You have just given a second example of her hypocrisy.

Sorry if that's hurtful, ik she's your mother, but as an internet stranger - who saw your story that was approved by your mother to be posted and is hence proof that none of the details are fabricated or untrue.

That story truly did not paint a respectable picture of your mother in my head. All I see is a selfish, manipulative parent who continues to be so in the screenshots you have shared. Anyway, what can ya do. Take care and hopefully y'all will be ok :)

TheCrownlessAgain wrote:

Your mom seems like a very stubborn and frustratingly self righteous person and it probably drives your immediate family crazy when she decides the sun rises in the west and doubles down even when shown evidence she is wrong.

Your brother brings up phonegate specifically because it is not only an easy example of how unreasonable and difficult your mom is to her kids (including him) that doesn't require nuance or backstory, but mostly because it has nothing to do with him and rather successfully and predictably redirects your mom's anger and self-righteous attitude AT YOU, taking him out of any line of fire.

He's essentially setting you up for drama by siccing your mom on you either for the lulz, to get a quick win or stab over your mom, or because he can't take any heat she's sending his way, either rightly or not. I think at a deeper level even before posting so your mom knows and understand how the story makes her look like not just a bad parent but a bad, selfish person.

The way she gets defensive and immediately DARVOs (deny, argue, reverse victim and offender) ad nauseum is not her defending what she did with the phone specifically but defending herself as a good parent and good person in general given how often this comes up as an example that she is not.

Her calling you selfish too is her trying to project her guilt. She's trying to reframe it as "yes what I did was selfish but (insert weak reason here) makes OP MORE selfish than me so she is more wrong than me"

Unfortunately, you may never get an apology because in her mind now, it'd be paramount to admitting she's a bad parent and person, and that kind of admission carries a whole boatload of guilt that most people don't want to carry.

Really, if it is not a hill for you to die on with regards to family relations, it just needs to stop being brought up period. By her, by you, by family, by everyone. It is in the past, no one can change what happened and there is no chance of compromise over it due to your mom's inability to carry guilt or shame as a fallible and sometimes (often) selfish human.

Some things aren't worth the headache to revisit or readjudicate between imperfect humans. Are you able to have her reframe her anger about the story away from you being selfish but at the person who brings the story up?

I bet you it won't be used as an example if it leads to her to blow up at the person who reminds her. Even if her knee jerk is to come at you at first, you can redirect by expressing anger at the instigator with a "why the hell would you bring this up when we've all decided to let it be in the past?

You know this story hurts me and mom why the hell would you ruin a good family gathering by bringing up something hurtful." And hopefully your mom will not be so deep in her defensive spiral with you to be able to latch onto the redirect and reframe it.

Mandy_93_ wrote:

Why are you still in contact with her? She's truly an awful poor excuse of a mother. She's doing it exactly for the reasons you think she is. Put you down and make herself feel bigger. It's disgusting and shameful. Do you want to be treated like this the rest of your life?

If you choose to have children, do you want them to go through what you did? All things you need to seriously sit down and think about. Your mother will never change. Narcissists don't she has shown you who she is. I suggest you believe her.