'AITA for telling my mom she can't visit whenever she wants to see my newborn?'
"AITA for telling my mom she can’t stop by unannounced to visit my newborn?"
shortywiththewolves writes:
My husband (33M) and I (33F) recently welcomed our first child (a little girl!) into the world six weeks ago. Before she was born, we established two rules: text us before coming by (no unannounced visits) and don’t kiss the baby. We didn’t think this was a crazy ask, but maybe it is?
Day one at home, we had to take the baby to her first doctor visit. Afterward, we coordinated with my mom to come by to visit with the baby and see my brother and SIL. The next day, my husband’s sister left to go home, and we planned to have the rest of the day to ourselves since it hadn’t been just the three of us since the baby was born.
Well, late morning, we heard a knock at the door—my mom decided to come by and see the baby. We, of course, let her in, but I explained that she was breaking the rule we had set and that she needed to reach out beforehand.
She blew off the comment, which kind of annoyed me (I was already frustrated with her after an incident during my hospital stay when the baby ended up in the NICU and I was in the ICU. She was upset she couldn’t bring the whole extended family to visit).
Later that evening, she texted my husband, “Thanks for the precious moments with my grandchild,” and texted me that I needed to get the baby on a schedule (unwanted parenting advice). I got really upset. It felt underhanded, like she was taking a jab at me for addressing the boundary of texting before coming over. This is where I might be the asshole. I texted her saying:
“Mom, I want you to spend time with the baby, but I need you to respect me when I ask you not to drop by unannounced. We brought her by yesterday knowing that today, we wanted it to be just my husband and me spending time together with the baby because it hasn't been just us yet. I know your visit wasn't for long, but it throws a wrench in the schedule we're trying to set for her right now.”
She didn’t respond well to the text and said, “Sorry for bugging you.” I tried to continue the conversation, but she wouldn’t text back. For about two weeks, she didn’t text or call. I’d send pictures of the baby, but nothing.
It took me asking my dad what was going on, and he had no idea. I’ve extended several olive branches, but she still doesn’t respond unless it’s about seeing the baby. Since then, she’s shown up unannounced five more times.
She’s now upset that we didn’t ask her to babysit this weekend, but it feels spiteful, especially given her unannounced visits and the fear that she might spitefully kiss the baby (she’s voiced that she thinks the no-kissing rule is ridiculous because we kiss the baby).
My family is now reaching out, saying I need to be more gentle with her and talk to her, but I don’t feel like I’ve done anything wrong or owe her an apology. Plus, I’ve tried several times to get things back to normal, but she continues to pout and ignore me at family gatherings.
Was the text I sent too harsh, or are the rules I set unreasonable? I’m at a loss for how to move forward, and it’s been affecting both my husband’s and my mental health. The other times she’s shown up unannounced, I mostly didn’t let her in because I was either napping or not home. I did let her in once because she came at the exact time I had scheduled for my aunt to visit, and I didn’t want to deal with drama in front of everyone.
OP responded to some comments.
Turmeric_Ping says:
NTA for setting a boundary. But mild lower-case yta for reaching out with an olive branch. She's the one who behaved badly, and if you want your boundaries respected, you have to stop doing this. She's acting all hurt precisely so you do this, in the hope that you'll get so desperate that she'll have leverage to get you to cave.
This is all on her. She deliberately ignored your boundary, you very politely reminded her of it, instead of refusing to let her in at the time, which many people would have done, and now she's acting like a child. Let her. As a parent, you're going to have to learn that bad behavior isn't to be rewarded with attention. Practice your parenting skills on your mother.
OP responded:
Interesting - good point. I didn’t think of it like that, but you’re 100% right.
AbjectMagazine9826 says:
Sounds like your mom is pretty good at manipulating you. Let me guess..she also manipulates every scenario. And that is a key trait for narcissists, knowing how to counter that behavior is your mission. Absolutely control your boundaries and enforce consequences. Not responding to your texts is emotional manipulation.
Set the conditions of she can visit during certain times periods only and y’all must approve the times as she will respond to that. Then monitor her behavior during the visits. Ignore her unsolicited advice but take note of them. This is important because this is what she will absolutely do if she is alone with your baby, even if you disagree. She will do it her way & not your way..like kisses the baby. Congratulations BTW.
OP responded:
Yes, she is and she does every scenario with most family members too which is making it challenging. I feel like she’s vilifying us to the rest of the family and that’s why they’re reaching out trying to get me to resolve this. That’s a good idea.