'AITA for telling my mom to keep her monster after she told me I was going to be responsible for my autistic brother?'
"My mom created a brat and expects me to take care of him."
Rose537 writes:
I (29f) got married to my husband (29m) last month. I have two older sisters (33 and 35) and a younger brother (24) who has autism. I don't have a good relationship with my mom, because my brother became her whole life.
I saw how she was spoiling him at the cost of me and my sisters (like, buying him whatever he wanted but we had to "earn the money" if we wanted something, even canceling plans like my college graduation trip because he wanted to stay).
He was also never taught any chores and threw a tantrum when he was asked to do simple things like cleaning dishes. The argument was always, "You must understand: he has autism." So I was so happy to move out and live with my partner.
At my wedding, my mom took me aside and said how happy she was that my brother would live with me and my husband! I don't have to say that I was shocked. No one ever told me or my husband about this "plan."
I asked what she was talking about, and her answer was, "Isn't that obvious? He likes you the most, and you have the money." I was FURIOUS. It was my wedding, and she was trying to force me and my husband to take care of the brat that she created.
I said that I won't let my brother ruin our lives, and she can forget about this nonsense. Now she and part of my family are calling me a selfish a#%&ole, but on the other side, my husband and friends are on my side. AITA?
OP provided an update:
I won't change my decision, but I'll try to somehow help my mom (I'll try to convince her to go to therapy first, and maybe we'll talk it out). I don't know if I'll be able to cut them from my life - they're still my family. But if nothing changes, I'll keep it at the minimum.
Here are the top comments from the post:
DragonCelica says:
NTA (Not the a%@$ole). I've heard of some thoughtless wedding gifts, but your mom takes the cake by trying to "gift" you the problem she created. She didn't even wait until after the honeymoon.
Is there any chance she's tried pawning him off on your sisters previously, to no avail, and now you're her last chance to wash her hands of him?
Your mom didn't do right by your brother, with you and your sisters being collateral damage. I don't know where he falls on the spectrum, but it doesn't sound like she helped him learn how to thrive. Instead of working towards a solution, she's trying to drop him at your door and bail.
It sounds like she has no long-term plan, which means this is going to keep escalating. Prepare to put up whatever barriers you need for you and your husband to survive the oncoming mess.
Frankensteins_Kid says:
NTA. Autistic or not, if you never teach someone discipline, they'll grow up to be a brat. Autism is not a get-out-of-jail-free card. "You must understand: he has autism" is the most bulls^#t excuse to condone bratty behavior. Your brother grew up with an enabler of a mother and now he doesn't know how to be a proper adult, and that's her fault.
Your mom has probably realised the kind of person she let your brother grow up to be, and now she doesn't want to deal with the consequences of her actions. You don't owe your mom or your brother anything. Your mom made her bed, now she has to lie in it.
goshidontknow1395 says:
NTA, you can tell the family members that are on her side that they can take care of your brother.
nerothic says:
NTA. You are not obligated at all to care for your brother. She is realizing that she's mortal and that she has to ensure her beloved son is taken care of. She may even realize what she has created by excusing everything he did and enabling him.
I don't know the extent of his autism. Some can live alone with minor help, while others really need to live in certain facilities since living independently is impossible.
Still, not your problem. Your mother excused everything, didn't hold him accountable, and basically created a problem adult. Autism is not a reason to excuse everything. They have different needs, but it's not a 'get out of jail for free' card.
Even if he didn't display this behavior, he still isn't your responsibility. If your family is giving you a hard time, then tell them (group chat-wise), 'Great, then my brother can go and live with you since you think him living with family is a good idea.'
They tend to balk at that. Tell them that you won't take your brother in, no matter what. Your mother created a problem; she needs to find help and a resolution that doesn't involve other people making sacrifices they don't want.
Still, make sure she doesn't have access to your home, just in case she 'moves him in' or something. Get cameras and call the police/social services if you have to.
What do you think? Should OP take in her brother?