'My mom expects me to care for her in her old age, AITA if I tell her to figure it out herself?'

"My Mom (63F) expects me (30F) to care for her in her old age, AITA if I tell her to figure it out herself?"

My Mom is currently looking into hip surgery, and trying to figure out how life looks for her going forward & expects me to "help." We will be talking later today so I'd like to be prepared to tell her no, and not sure if I should be upfront with my perspective on this ask and our relationship, or if I'm being shortsighted and should suck it up since she's my mom.

She's 63 & retired 15 years ago, pursuing instead a soap & reselling business that has kept her afloat since then, as she never saved for retirement. She lives in a small studio & has a car but not much else to her name. She collects social security & all other income goes unreported.

Since she "works for herself", she is free to come and go and do as she pleases with the money she does make - over the past 10 years she has traveled to I think 4 different countries, she's regularly buying random herbal supplements & generally lives "in the moment."

I see all of this as being extremely irresponsible, something she has been honestly my whole life. She's now looking at a surgery that will confine her to her studio for at least 4 weeks healing time, unable to make money, most likely by herself if I can't be there (she cuts relationship ties at the smallest slights, doesn't have many local friends).

We currently have a "pretty good" relationship, because I have physical distance from her and have forgiven her for her mistakes in my childhood, for my own mental health. I have a sibling that is no contact with her for these same mistakes. I truly believe she has made her bed and as it is, now has to lay in it.

I do know when we talk later she's going to ask me to come help her, and I don't know how to approach saying no, or if I should say no. She was always a selfish and neglectful parent, and when it was her turn to care for me she did the bare minimum (all of 2 years as a teenager, didn't even make it to 18).

I feel like I want to tell her exactly that, and make it clear to her she has never taken accountability for anything, she put herself in the position of having no money or resources so she could galavant the world.

On the other hand I also feel some amount of responsibility for the woman who birthed me, a woman who had a hard and traumatizing life as well - but don't have the resources to help in any real capacity.

I don't have money to throw at the problem, I don't want to use all my time off for the year taking care of her, and I wouldn't get paid if I take leave, which I won't even qualify to take until another 6 months from now. AITA for holding her accountable/responsible for putting herself in this position? AITA for putting myself first here?

Here's what people had to say to OP:

CombinationAny870 wrote:

NTA….you can’t give up your work to be her rescue. Let her know that she should talk to the hospital social workers about resources for assistance after her surgery.

OP responded:

Thank you ❤️ living on hopes and dreams is what she does best, I say all the time I'd love to travel the world but I'm trying to save...FOR RETIREMENT and a chance at a future that doesn't involve relying on my kids.

Grigsbyjawn wrote:

You are NTA. However, I think you should be clear about your boundaries and your abilities to be there (or not) to help. Maybe you'll check on her now-and-again and maybe you'll bring her a meal or two but that does NOT mean you'll be her primary care giver.

I'm also assuming that you have your own job and your own life that you can't just put on pause. Perhaps offer to help her find an appropriate rehab facility that she can stay at during her recovery and offer to visit once in a while? Best wishes, this won't be an easy conversation.

business_coyote_5496 wrote:

Dude, she's only 63. That's waaaaay too young to be thinking about your kid needs to help you. That's a conversation for 15 years from now.

"She cuts relationship ties at the smallest slights, doesn't have many local friends" - This is my sister-in-law. And many posters online.

You reap what you sow. Spend your life always thinking me me me and then when you get a problem you need help with don't expect people to be flocking to help you. I'd send her Aesop's fable The Ant and The Grasshopper. It's not too late for her to switch gears and start living more like the ant. I also like the American fable The Little Red Hen.

helenaflowers wrote:

You're 100% NTA for how you feel and not wanting to help her. But I think trying to go into everything you said in that last paragraph is going to fall on deaf ears with her and/or just give her more ammo to try and pick apart your arguments to guilt you into helping.

I would just say that you are unable to provide meaningful help and care for her due to your own financial and job constraints, and stand firm to that. As someone else said, she should have access to a social worker at the hospital who can hopefully help connect her with resources - encourage her to look into that while making clear that you are not an option.

Ill_Industry6452 wrote:

This is excellent advise if she is in patient for the surgery, presuming she is discharged on a weekday (I had zero help, when I needed it badly, when my late husband was discharged on a Sunday after being very ill - promises of someone coming the next day didn’t happen- it was Friday).

I had hip replacement surgery a month ago. My surgeon does it out-patient which is extremely common (and I preferred it that way). But, that means no social services. His office does say to have someone with you overnight for 48 hours. The best rehab facilities here closed, and remaining ones have gotten really bad.

However, none of this is OP’s problem. Mom neglected her. Mom wasted all her money. Mom cut off all her friends. Mom can figure it out on her own. Medicaid might pay for help. She will not necessarily be confined to her apartment for 4 weeks. She won’t be able to drive, but she can take public transportation.

OP wouldn’t be an AH even if she had time and money to help. But, considering she doesn’t, that is probably the best thing to tell her mom. (I have 2 adult grandchildren living with me a wonderful neighbors I called when I needed help and the kids were at work.

My daughter lives fairly close, but she is always broke and I wouldn’t ask her to take off work. I suggest probably the best thing to do when she suggests you help is to say, “I just can’t “. On repeat. No reason needed, thus nothing she can argue about.

After receiving lots of feedback, OP shared a small update.

Edit: Thanks everyone for your perspectives, even those that think I may be TA - there's valuable information in some of those too. I really appreciate all the resources and ideas for how to empower her to help herself, since it won't be me. While this is currently about the hip surgery, the future looms and a lot of my concern is for then too.

She won't live happy and healthy forever, and I love her, but I do know she has put herself in this position and I don't have the material or emotional resources to be a caretaker. I recently did the caretaking thing for my dog, who I loved with my whole being, and it still wore me down to my bones. I can't do that for someone who I still have resentment for.

And I want to touch on something I saw come up, forgiveness. I have forgiven her and others that wronged me, as I recognize "hurt people hurt people" and everyone that neglected or ab**ed me had their own extremely painful past. There is still space to feel resentment after forgiveness, and I have a duty to protect myself from putting myself in positions to be hurt further.

I've gone back and forth on going no contact with her myself, but the forgiveness has allowed me to communicate with and love her from a distance - a distance she attempts to close with emotional manipulation occasionally, but I have and plan to stay strong in holding this boundary.

I'll be researching what I can from my peaceful home three states away, help where I can, but won't be setting myself on fire. Thank you again everyone!