'AITA for not wanting a relationship with my mom after I found out she had an affair?'
"AITA for not wanting a relationship with my mom after I found out about her affair?"
So my mom and I used to be like best friends. She overshared everything with me growing up, way more than she should have, so I always felt like I understood everything about my parents’ marriage. From what I saw, it seemed great. They did all the cheesy romantic stuff that made me cringe, but it also made me think they really loved each other.
Then last year everything fell apart. I still remember the day they split. They had a huge fight and my mom said some really hurtful things to my dad, calling him ugly and bald and things like that.
I did not think too much of it at the time because couples say things they do not mean when they are angry. She hugged me, said goodbye, and went to stay with my aunt. I really thought they would calm down, work it out, and laugh about it later, but they did not. They actually separated.
At first I tried to stay close with my mom, but things got strange fast. She started seeing someone almost immediately and it felt off. I casually asked her how they met and she said Starbucks.
Then I asked him and he said they met at the gym. I did not know what to make of that. When I asked her again she got annoyed and closed off, so I already felt something was wrong, but I let it go.
Later, when I was staying with my dad, I found out the real reason. I saw some texts on his phone between him and his brother about whether he could offset alimony because of infidelity. I hoped it was some misunderstanding, but I asked him directly.
He avoided it at first but eventually admitted my mom had an affair. Suddenly everything made sense. The timing, the strange behavior, how fast she moved on, the lies. The part that hit the hardest was all the comments she made about my dad’s looks.
Things I brushed off before suddenly came back and hit me because I look almost exactly like my dad. He is six feet tall, I am six foot two, we both have dark hair or at least he used to before he lost it.
She called him ugly, and then I would look in the mirror and think she meant me too. That really affected me. I even started thinking about plastic surgery and had an online consultation, which is something I never cared about before.
Once I understood everything, I started avoiding her. I made excuses like saying I was busy or tired when really I felt physically sick thinking about seeing her. My chest would get tight and I would feel nauseous. I stayed with my dad most of the time and that felt easier.
My little brother followed my lead. He is very shy and always sticks to me. When he saw I was not going to my mom’s place, he did not want to go either. I never told him not to. He just refuses to go alone.
He takes a long time to warm up to new people, and now my mom has moved her new partner into the house. My brother does not feel comfortable around him at all, and he feels safer with me and my dad.
My mom kept trying to meet up, but I could not do it. Eventually I texted her and explained everything. I told her I knew about the affair, how her comments about my dad made me feel terrible about myself, and how I cannot be around her.
I said I do not want a relationship with her right now and probably not in the future either. I also told her that I am not stopping my brother from seeing her, he just will not go without me.
My mom then called my dad and accused him of keeping us away from her. It got so bad that my dad is now asking me to visit her, but I refuse. I am not going to let anyone force my brother either.
Now some relatives are telling me I am being too harsh and that she is still my mom. But she is the one who blew up our family, and I am the one dealing with the emotional fallout. I do not feel like I owe her a relationship at this point. AITA?
Here's what people had to say to OP:
Old_Ninja_Prime says:
NTA. When parents cheat on their spouses, they’re also cheating on their children.
OP responded:
Thank you! sometimes I feel like I am crazy with all this gaslighting. I feel like maybe it's my fault, but its just nice to feel heard and validated.
Championship682 says:
Some relatives on your mom's side? Do they even know? Cheaters don't only betray their spouses, they betray their whole family. Support your dad, and only see your mom if you want. And let your brother know. She may not like it, but you will just be telling the truth.
OP responded:
They might? I think my aunt on my mom's side knows.