'My mom wants to invite my ex who I cheated on to my wedding. My fiance is furious.' UPDATED 3X

"My mom wants to invite my ex who I cheated on in my wedding, and my fiance is absolutely furious. HELP."

I 28M was a terrible person in past, which I have moved on from. Used to drink a lot and had cheated on my ex 27F countless times in our 3 year relationship, idk how she was stuck with me for so long. So one day, she found out I was cheating again and broke things up, which I don't blame her for. I was cut off by my family which was heartbreaking

I eventually improved myself, got in therapy, and eventually apologized and reconciled with my family. I found out my mother and my ex were still in contact which I didn't mind, they were close even when I was with her, my family invites my ex to family gatherings as her family is lets say not that good, which I again don't care, we both are civil and don't interact much.

Eventually I met a new girl 28F, and 1 year later, I am engaged to her, yeah and she knows how I was in the past as I had told her, we are planning wedding to host only close friends and family.

The problem arrives when my mother whose close with my ex wants to invite her to the wedding and my fiance is absolutely furious and the reason my mother is giving is that its a "family event."

Honestly I don't want her to be in my wedding too. I called her to talk about it and she told me the same damn thing, she doesn't want to be in my wedding but my mother's insisting which is infuriating.

My mother is still saying she wont come if my ex isn't coming and my fiance had arguments with her. I am seriously thinking of not inviting her ATP but if she doesn't come, I am afraid that I might be cut off from my family again. This is so infuriating.

The internet had a lot to say about the situation.

PibbyandPekesmom wrote:

To be honest- I wouldn’t be putting up with seeing my fiancé’s ex at all of the “family” events either. That’s total BS even if you had kids together- an occasional event maybe but as part of the family - no way.

TKyzr wrote:

NTA. Your mother is the one holding this wedding hostage. No one, including your ex, thinks she should go. Your mother is alone in this. If this is her hill to die on, it’s a stupid one. Honor her ultimatum and let her stay home over this.

She thinks you’ll cave. Unless you’re leaving something out, no one will cut ties with you but possibly her. Again, over something stupid.

P.S. your mother hasn’t forgiven your cheating on your ex. She is not past it.

aquatoombow wrote:

It's your wedding, not your mums wedding. Tell your mum outright, "she doesn't want to come, I don't want her to come, fiance doesn't want her to come. Stop being weird about it and let it go."

Do NOT invite her. It is a weird entitlement when parents dictate guest lists anyway, unless they are paying, they get no say. If they are paying, you have the right to draw boundaries. Goodluck. If your mum is that hung up on it, maybe you have to let her go too...

NextAffect8373 wrote:

You realize your mother hasn't forgiven you, right?

A day later, OP shared an update.

Update: honestly I got overwhelmed with the responses, thank you everyone who replied. As most of you said, I grew a spine and talked to my mother with me and my fiance sitting down She wouldn't drop it, saying she doesn't like my fiance, well my fiance yelled at her.

So she's not coming to my wedding anymore I sent all wedding guests explaining the situation that my mother wants to invite my ex to my wedding and basically, most of them are in my side, those who said I am ungrateful, let's just say they are uninvited and blocked.

My brother 34M called me to say that I did the right thing which was a relief. Going further I would probably go low contact with my mother. My ex called me, me and my fiance talked to her on speaker and she apologized and said she said no to my mother and won't drop it, I said ok, and ofc she's not invited. My father said he's not coming too if his wife is not coming which is like valid.

So the wedding is actually small with 50 people but the planned reception is huge with 150 people which my father is throwing on my behalf, my mother will be there so there might be drama. Edit: should have added that my father and father in law both are throwing reception together I will have security just in case at the wedding.

The comments kept coming.

Still_Construction37 wrote:

Tbh if I was your fiancé id be furious your mom was still going to be at the reception after everything. Be careful- you might be fine brushing it off but resentment could start building for your wife. You don’t want to start your life together like that.

Like just have a small after party with the original 50 people you invited. You don’t need dad to throw you anything especially if he can’t understand why you wouldn’t want your mom there.

OP responded:

It's my father and father in law both throwing the reception together.

Wrong_moose9763 wrote:

I wouldn't stop with security, put passwords on everything, flowers, cake, catering, venue, the whole thing, she is nuts enough to do something as equally stupid as inviting your ex, lol.

OP responded:

Will make sure.

gdrom123 wrote:

I’m glad you put your foot down. Since your father is hosting for the reception, are you sure he won’t cancel it from being pressured by your mother? Do you have a back up plan just in case?

OP responded:

Father said mother won't do anything stupid at reception and my ex is not invited in reception.

Remarkable_Pear_3537 wrote:

So your dad's not going to go to his own son's wedding because his wife is, but will go to the reception looking like a loser who didn't go to his own son's wedding. Got it.

OP responded:

Idk my brothers don't have a close relationship with dad tbh I am the favourite child who was spoiled rotten by him That was the reason I was terrible in the past.

Three days later, OP shared another update.

So I had a talk with FIL and fiance about the situation of all and my FIL will alone cover the cost of reception. I offered some money to him but he refused saying I am like his son which made me tear up. And my father and FIL had a shouting match on phone about it so father and mother aren't coming to Reception anymore.

Fiance is happy and I am happy that our wedding and reception area going to be drama free. We will definitely have security there, but it's gonna be hard explaining everyone what happened many people are gonna bail out of the wedding. I haven't talked to them since, and will probably contact father after wedding and reception are over.

Last night I am gonna be honest I cried like a baby saying that my mother and father aren't gonna be there, but my fiance comforted me, probably the most amazing woman I met, can't wait to spend my life with her and I failed my PHD exam lol, results came few hours ago, gonna try afterwards I guess. Going forward I am probably gonna be low contact with father and no contact with mother.

Commenters had a lot to say in response.

TofuTease13 wrote:

Man, life's throwing some wild curveballs at you. Keep your chin up. Remember, at the end of the day it's about you and your amazing fiancé. Wishing you both a drama-free and lovely day!

mca2021 wrote:

And don't contact your father after your wedding. Let him reach out to you. He chose not to attend.

OP responded:

Okay.

Lucky-Guess8786 wrote:

OP, that advice is solid. Do not bow down to your parents. Do not reach out first. Let them come to you. And absolutely they are not allowed back in your lives until they give a heartfelt apology to your wife. That should be the first step. In fact, a phone call should go something like this.

Ten days later, OP shared another update.

So yesterday I got married. It was the happiest day of my life but yeah it sucked not having my parents there whom I thought wouldn't go this much against me. They didn't even come to the reception too. It honestly cried after the reception but my fiance was understanding and comforted me, Icouldn't have asked for a better half than her.

My ex had sent a message of congratulations after wedding which i replied with thanks. After wedding I still haven't contacted my parents but father had sent an air frier as a wedding gift to my address which is like, an appliance so gonna use it.

Reception was awesome too, thanks to yall for those wonderful comments supporting and suggesting me. I honestly thought I don't deserve all this due to how terrible I was in the past but people can change, if you have done something wrong in past, don't let it define yourself, keep it in your mind and move on, you can change.

The internet kept their thoughts coming.

PlayfulRainbow20 wrote:

Good for you. Growth is uncomfortable and messy, but you pushed through it. You held firm on boundaries, owned your past, and chose love built on mutual respect. That’s real redemption. And hey, enjoy that air fryer—it’s petty peace in appliance form.

Willing_Lemon2231 wrote:

Well done on your self awareness, admitting fault and consciously trying to be a better person. Unfortunately there will still be doubters and negative people. Ignore them and just keep making positive changes. I'm sorry about your family. I think even your ex saw it was inappropriate for her to attend. Your mom has lots of issues and if she was truly a friend/ cared for your ex, she wouldn't want her at your wedding.

It would have created drama that your ex would have been in the spotlight/ firing line. Your mom not attending your wedding is just a symptom of the bigger relationship issues. But not attending was the final nail. It was a time when she could witness you truly being happy. It's like she can't forgive you for something you did to someone else.

She holding onto something that everyone else has moved on from. I guess this is her hill. She hasn't even given your wife a fair chance. Go for therapy and embrace your wife's family, they sound great. Congratulations. When you grow, learn and work on your character, you deserve to be happy. Good luck.

OP responded:

Yeah she's a good person i brought drama into ex's life, glad she's moved on now and I am not there I have a new half to focus on.

im_not_creepy wrote:

I wonder if his mom was using the ex as an excuse to not go to the wedding. Because it's really weird that she was adamant the ex should go when the ex didn't even want to go.