Teen calls mom a liar and then tells her that her dream family won't ever happen. AITA?
"AITA for telling my mom and her husband to check their expectations?"
LittleGamyrrr writes:
My mom got remarried 2 years ago, which was 5 years after we lost my dad. I (16) was 11 when he died, and my sister Skye (14) was 9. My mom's husband, "George," is a widower too, technically. Though he was separated from her for a few years, and his kids (now 11, 10, and 9) didn't know their mom.
So, this means they feel like they were always missing that perfect nuclear family, while Skye and I already had that. We lost it when our dad died, but that is still our perfect nuclear family, and we did not feel like we were missing out on having another dad, and we didn't wish for more siblings.
However, mom and George expected me to see all four kids as equal siblings. They expected me to do for my step-siblings what I do for Skye. My mom expected me to baby my step-siblings the way I used to baby Skye.
They expected me to be physically affectionate with my step-siblings because I hug Skye, I kiss the top of her head, I sometimes pick her up when we play fight. They expected all of that because George's kids never had their mom.
In December, I had to write a fake will for my homework. I basically left everything to Skye with some stuff for my mom. George read the thing over my shoulder as I finished it up, and he told my mom how I didn't leave anything for his kids in this fake will. They asked me about it the next day, and I was like, "Skye's my sister, of course, she'd get almost everything."
The three of us started therapy after that. They said they noticed that Skye and I don't treat George's kids the same, and the fake will was alarming because it would break the kids' hearts if that were a real scenario.
They expressed the importance that I fulfill my obligations as an older sibling and treat them all the same and most importantly, truly love them all the same. Same for Skye. She should embrace being an older sibling, yada yada.
A week ago, mom brought up that I had made a commitment to George's kids when they got married and had signed up for being their brother. They expressed that they expected us to be one whole nuclear family, where nobody was treated differently, and we all loved each other equally.
They said that was what they were going to demand from us as the oldest two and the ones who are not showing that they love everyone. When my time to speak came, I called my mom a liar for saying I had signed up for anything, and I said I never signed off on her getting married or being a sibling to anyone other than Skye and me.
Technically, I didn't sign up for that, but I was because I love Skye. Then I told them to check their expectations before they get out of control because they will never get the family they're imagining us to be. I told them it's not what I want or want to work toward.
Mom told me I had no right to call her a liar, and they said it's cruel to share I have no intention to agree to being a good brother to George's kids. That I showed how much of a child I am. AITA?
Here are the top judgements from the post.
RosieDays456 says:
I've never understood why adults who remarry and both have kids expect all the kids to get along like siblings - some don't even get along as friends as the don't like each other, have nothing in common
Kids do not take on the responsibility of being siblings - parents take on the responsibility of being step parents - they are the adults.
I personally don't think kids should have to babysit their siblings unless it's an emergency - parents are using their kids as free babysitters, not right - that is what builds resentment. Kids should never be forced to hug or kiss anyone at all, family or not family
I don't know what to tell you to do to fix this - bring up all these things in therapy, but that doesn't mean therapist will be able to resolve it if your Mom and step dad think it's okay for them to tell you to baby sit and that you should hug and kiss your half sibs
if therapy is not helpful, find someone else to talk to - a guidance counselor, priest/pastor if you have a church you go to. An adult that you trust. Wish you the very best.
Comfortable-Sea-2454 says:
NTA (Not the A%@#ole). "When my time to speak came I called my mom a liar for saying I had signed up for anything and I said I never signed off on her getting married or being a sibling to anyone other than Skye and I technically didn't sign up for that but I was because I love Skye.
Then I told them to check their expectations before they get out of control because they will never get the family they're imagining us to be. I told them it's not what I want or want to work toward."
Your Mom and SD signed up for the nuclear family, not you and Skye. The more they push, the more you and Skye will push back. They need to stay in their lanes and let any relationship with your step siblings develop naturally.
terayonjf says:
NTA you aren't obligated to treat them like you do your sister and your mom and her new husband need to understand that each kid is their own person and forcing people to have relationships will only drive the wedge faster. If it's not going to happen naturally it's not going to happen.
It's absolutely insane for the adults to not only put that pressure on you but to actually articulate it and be upset over it not happening.
Individual_Ad_9213 says:
NTA. Your mom's expectations of an instant family are way too ambitious. Your mom and George dated for some time, got to know each other, and (presumably) fell in love before getting married. You did not have the luxury of getting to know your step siblings and creating familial bonds with them before your mom married George.
On the other hand, you and your sister have 11 years of living together and of caring for each other to build upon. Your mother is being unfair and unreasonable, to the max, to expect you to develop similar fraternal feelings in such a short time.
WelfordNelferd says:
NTA. Your Mom and stepfather can "demand" that you love everyone equally all they want, but they're delusional if they think they can enforce that. It's reasonable that they expect all of you to treat each other with civility and kindness, but all they are doing at this point is driving a wedge in their "perfect nuclear family".
You could have made your point without calling your Mom a liar, but it wasn't an inaccurate assessment...and doesn't rise to A H status in my book. What did the therapist have to say after this interaction?
What do you think? Was OP right to call their mom a liar and tell her to check their expectations?