'AITA for threatening my mom that she'll lose a third kid if she keeps up her behavior?'
"AITA for telling my mom you lost two kids, do you want to lose another?"
Mocha-meme writes:
My mom (50F) has always had problems with substance abuse, as well as untreated mental illness. After a few times of her getting drunk, one of which ended in a hospital visit, she vowed not to buy alcohol for herself. Her mental illness has led to the abuse, mostly mental, of me (20F) and my sister (17F).
The night of Mother's Day, my mom started drinking. She got inebriated. Every time she is drunk, it is a traumatic trigger for me. She lied to me and said she had two shots. Later she seemed more drunk, so I checked the trash and found ten shooters.
I confronted her again and said that I wanted better for her and that she agreed not to have alcohol. She began to vent (she vents to me without my consent often) and scream to me about losing my siblings, which I did not know was the reason she was drinking.
This argument got heated, so I decided to go on a drive. I contacted my partner (19M) who offered to let me stay the night at his place. I accepted and went home to grab my things. My mother confronted me again.
I said I was going to my partner’s house, and she threatened to kick me out of her home. She has done this on several occasions, then later told me that she "never means it" and says it "only to instill the fear of God in me."
When I came home, we had a discussion that I thought would fix things a little. I said it would be good for us to keep the alcohol out of the house and I could help find resources for therapy for her. She agreed to the alcohol but declined therapy sternly. I also asked not to be threatened with homelessness, which she did not seem receptive to.
I went to work the next day and came home. She began an argument with me and stated that "if I wanted to not be homeless so bad, why doesn't she leave me the house and take my sister with her." I asked if she would give me enough time to get a better job.
She said "I don't know." I told her that if she would leave me high and dry without that, which would be the same as being homeless, she would be throwing away the future she wanted for me (I would have to drop out of college to work) and I would go no-contact.
She did not have remorse, and things got very heated until I said, "You lost two kids, do you want to lose another?" in reference to going no-contact with her. I don't know if she interpreted it as that or as me taking my own life.
She was, for lack of a better word, flabbergasted. I said, "I didn't want to pluck at your heartstrings but maybe that's what I need to get my point across." She said, "That wasn't a pluck, that was a fatal blow."
I have since apologized for what I said over text, as I haven't been home as of the time of posting this. I have a backup plan. I might be too jaded to tell if I was really disrespectful or rightfully standing up for my well-being. Gentle answers please, I am very upset and scared right now.
OP got some responses to their post.
Euphoric_Travel2541 says:
INFO: has she lost two children? Are they dead or just no contact? What are the circumstances around that? Without that info, it’s hard to tell if you are TAH. In general, you issued a threat. You threatened her with the loss of your relationship and she may have thought you were threatening to do yourself harm.
I know she’s not well, and maybe an addict, and that she has argued with you, and more. But I’d advise not threatening someone with the loss of you. It’s like her threat of homelessness. You relate to each other with these ultimatums and threats, and you will make each other miserable.
OP responded:
My siblings passed away. I will definitely agree that the ultimatums are not productive, but it was true at least. I have been meditating on whether or not to go no-contact for a long time. I don't really know what could be productive here, to be honest.
TheAmethyst1139 says:
I would also like to know more about the context. Because you said “In reference to going no-contact with her” but you think there’s a chance she interpreted that as suicide. So what did you say exactly and what in what context
OP responded:
I exactly said "You lost two kids. Do you want to lose another?" with nothing else afterward. It was most likely that it was perceived as no-contact since throughout that conversation I was saying that leaving me without the means of supporting myself would ensure that "she never heard from me again."