'My mom said I’m going to ruin my marriage if I don’t stop my husband from having an affair.' UPDATED 4X

"My mom is saying that I’m going to ruin my marriage if I didn’t stop my husband from having an affair. For me, if he ends up having an affair there’s nothing worth saving."

I don’t know if I want advice or just vent or just ask opinions about infidelity. I have a very strong opinion that if my significant other wants to cheat, I won’t stop them. If they need to be stopped, they’re not worth my love. I deeply believe I deserve someone who 100% willingly wants to be with me and wouldn’t “fall for temptation.”

Let’s say it falls under my responsibility to try and stop them if I knew they’re going to cheat but what about if I didn’t know? I’m married. We have been together for 4 years and married for 6 months. We just moved to a new apartment and little by little we have been renovating it. We’re both crafty and we want to create our dream home. We became friends with our neighbors. Also a couple.

The woman is very beautiful and bubbly and I got along very well with her. She said she envied us renovating since her husband doesn’t really like these things and refuses to give her money to start her own projects. She’s a SAHM. I don’t know about her situation with her husband but the closer we got to them the more I sensed that he’s very careful with money.

So I get what she means although I don’t think he is financially ab#sive. Both my husband and I work. My husband works a lot from home. I have noticed that my neighbor is getting more and more friends with my husband (instead of how it started as a friendship with me).

She is very flirty and she seems to have more and more in common with my husband, especially the things I don’t really like, like hiking but even the smallest things like food or sweets. She “has so much in common with him” as she many times put it. Since she’s a SAHM, she started making my husband his favorite food and my husband has said on many occasions how nice it is that she cooks etc.

Now twice I came home and she’s in there with my husband, helping him with the renovations or “has just brought him lunch”. My husband doesn’t seem bothered at all so it makes me think nothing is happening between them, yet. I was telling this to my mom and she got so angry at my “indifference.”

She said that I should ban my neighbor from being around my husband and tell him not to talk to her again. I told her that I wanted a husband who doesn’t want to cheat. There are 4 billion women out there and I can’t stop him from seeing all of them. He’s the only one who can decide if his marriage is worth it. My mom called me deranged and she is very upset with me. I don’t know what to do.

I have made my opinion clear to my husband that I didn’t appreciate our neighbor hanging around with him and I even started to cook more at home. Other than that I don’t plan on having a contest with women to win my husband. I always believe if they can take him, they can keep him. It may sound so cold? I don’t feel that at all.

My heart is full of love for him and I can’t even imagine myself cheating on him even if I was in a room full of handsome men, I just want the same in return. He hasn’t done anything yet but he has texted with her a few times. Nothing flirty but they have texted. I hate it but I don’t know.

My mom said I’m enabling this just to see if he cheats and then discard him but all I wish is that he chooses me. Without him knowing that I’m watching and without me asking him to choose me.

The internet had a lot to say.

arthritisankle wrote:

I think having a clear and explicit conversation with your husband about boundaries is a good idea. It’s possible his vision of what’s appropriate is different from yours and he’s not a mind reader. I’m not saying you should treat him like a pr*soner or a child that needs constant monitoring, but nonchalance might not be wise either.

OP responded:

He already knows my boundaries and I made it clear that I didn’t appreciate her there. But then I can’t guarantee that it won’t happen behind my back.

whatyadoonin wrote:

I totally agree with you - it is not your responsibility to stop an affair. Your husband should choose you. But, I do believe in setting boundaries. Your husband may not mind your neighbor texting or coming over, but that clearly is inappropriate and if you feel uncomfortable with it, say something.

If your husband respects you, he’ll understand. If the shoe were on the other foot, I’m sure you’d want your husband to be honest and you’d respect it.

OP responded:

Yes I agree and I already told him I didn’t appreciate her being in my home when I’m not there. I have always been clear about my boundaries but how can I guarantee that they don’t meet outside or when I’m not around.

I know this will sound very cold but I don’t want to “scare” him to being more careful and “c*nning” and better at hiding? Isn’t it better for him to think me totally oblivious? I have never heard a person not cheating because they’re supervised. They just get better at hiding it. Am I wrong here?

[deleted] wrote:

You say you have made your position clear with your husband, but not how he responded. Does he understand he is playing with fire? It sounds like he is discounting your concerns, is this correct? I get that he may like the attention, but your neighbor is clearly making herself available to him, at least according to your post.

If this is the case, he needs to establish a clear boundary with her. Also, he needs to understand that you are the priority. So, can you elaborate: what did you say to your husband, and how did he respond?

OP responded:

Yes she is making herself very available to him. It’s all the classic stuff like mirroring him and his interests. Making notes on what he likes and becoming these things etc.

He said they’re just friends and dismissed what I said.

Typical_Agency8984 wrote:

You can’t stop someone from having an affair. If they want to they will. This woman is your neighbor. She can come by anytime, she does not have to text him if she knows you won’t be home. I would keep an eye on things such as finances, their behavior, if she leaves right away when you get home.

If you have cameras keep an eye on those, and most importantly if you come home earlier than expected don’t tell him. I don’t want you to be paranoid but also never say never. Don’t be afraid to tell her she’s being inappropriate. Some women tend to think if you say nothing than you are being ignorant or stupid.

OP responded:

Being alert is not being paranoid. 🥰🤭

The next day, OP shared an update.

Ok, I started this as a comment on my post from last night but it became too long I thought maybe I should make an update since everyone is asking me for one. I must say I’m very surprised at the support I got here. I thought I was way wrong after my mom’s reaction.

Some girls here suggested that I don’t tell my husband next time I left work early, well I didn’t want to wait for that to happen so I accidentally on purpose left my gym bag at home, asked my manager if I could have a couple of hours break around lunch and sure enough, my neighbor was in my kitchen eating lunch with my husband.

My husband looked nervous and guilty and said yeah we’re having lunch here. They had the leftovers from yesterday’s dinner and they’ve ordered a pizza because we didn’t have enough leftovers for two.

So she didn’t even make him lunch this time. I just said that I was there to bring my gym bag and left. Now I’m sitting in my car shaking. My stomach and heart are aching. He has called three times but I just couldn’t answer. He texted me this: My love (it sounds better in my language) I know you don’t like it when she’s here but you have nothing to worry about. I love you.

Now I’m trying to calm my nerves before driving back to work. He knows that I don’t like it when she’s there and yet the few times I’ve left work early, she’s been there, which means she’s probably always there when he’s working from home. Which means even if he knows I hate it, he still does it.

We have been married for 6 months. I know the first year is always hard but I don’t know. We are in out 30’s and we don’t have children yet. We only own our apartment together. Maybe this wasn’t meant to be. Maybe it’s better to call it a day now before there’s more to lose. My mom will probably call me deranged again if I tell her how I’m feeling. But I’m very VERY turned off by this. She can keep him.

Not long after posting, she jumped on with two more updates.

Edit again:

I’m sorry for editing all the time but I’m at work now and won’t be able to respond. I just got this text from my husband, I haven’t answered his calls or texts. I need to calm down before talking to him:

"Baby, you were right about X (neighbor’s name). I told her that she shouldn’t be coming over anymore because my wife doesn’t like it and she said that she had feelings for me. You were right. I love you and I don’t want to lose you."

I didn’t answer him because what can I say to this? I need to go back to work now I can’t ruin my marriage and my work on the same day.

Edit again, sorry

Hi! Now I’m at my sister’s and I could just cry. I love him but I can’t do this. He has been calling and sending messages and screenshots all afternoon. I have just answered him this:

"I love you but I can’t do this. I don’t trust you with my heart anymore. I don’t think we’re compatible because our definition of love, respect boundaries and friendship is obviously very different. We probably need to call it a day before we’re even more entangled and it gets more complicated. I need space to think. Please respect that and I will talk to you when I’m ready to discuss our future."

He just called three times more then texted: "Please don’t do this to us. I love you. You’re the love of my life. Please don’t throw everything away in a moment of anger. Be angry with me but come home and be angry. Take it out on me. F*ght me. H*t me. If you only knew how much I love you and how nobody else in this world matter to me. Come home."

I didn’t answer because I don’t know what to say. I’m going to bed. I just want to cry. I don’t want him to text or call. Good night. Thank you for listening ❤️

The commenters made their opinions known.

Comestible wrote:

Well, I'm convinced that he already knew the neighbor girl liked him romantically before her big reveal, and he simply enjoyed the attention. You can't trust this guy and he has only himself to blame. Sorry you're dealing with this, OP.

OP responded:

He just sent me a screenshot from her. Apparently she texted him when she got home that she had feelings for him and wanted him and how he wouldn’t regret it. She said she knows he has feelings for her too. He answered her that she was mistaken and that he never thought about her that way.

He liked her and her husband as friends and neighbors and that he loved me bla bla. I guess this is damage control he’s doing because he has never sent me any screenshots from his conversations with her before.

Successful_Hyena6421 wrote:

He told her she can’t come over because you don’t like it, not that he doesn’t want her to come over. He is either severely lacking a backbone or he’s interested in her. Neither of those are attractive in a spouse.

Goddyss1956 wrote:

OP, I am so very sorry that you are going thru this. I have read your original post and know what you are going thru. My opinion is not going to be popular with most, but you had told your husband that this relationship bothered you, and it is a relationship he has with your neighbor. As you said, he looked guilty because he KNEW that it bothered you, but he continued with the relationship with the OW.

And mark my words, she IS the OW. And calling, then texting you that "you have nothing to worry about" is gaslighting you. He knew, KNEW that it bothered you. And continued anyway. IMO, he didn't respect you or your marriage enough to put the brakes on the relationship with her. I don't have any advice for you, it has to be your decision. But I am so very sorry.

balancedbreaks wrote:

You said before that you wanted him to be the one to make the choice. Unfortunately, it appears he has. He knew how uncomfortable you are with their relationship and he has continued to allow it to progress. Even if he makes every promise there is, it is only a matter of time until they are right back to where things are now.

I would agree with telling her husband though. This woman has shamefully pursued your husband, without any regard for you or your marriage. You would want to be told, right? I wish you the strength you need to move forward and healing for your journey.

Less than a week later, OP shared another update.

Hi everyone, it’s Sunday morning and I’m back home. My husband is staying with his parents.

Yesterday he showed up at my sister’s.

Puppy eyed and all, with takeouts from my favorite restaurant, flowers chocolate and ice cream (why do they always think food solves everything?). He started apologizing and saying that he loved me and that he would never hurt me. I asked him to start being honest with me, if he had feelings for her and if they’ve done something. He swore nothing happened and that he doesn’t have feelings towards her.

I told him that he wasn’t honest because why would he let her in my home, knowing how much it would hurt me (and cost him) if he had no feelings for her, why risk your marriage? He couldn’t answer that more that that he didn’t think it was bad since he was secure in his feelings and in our marriage. He then admitted that he liked the attention. So you knew before she admitted it that she liked you? -Yes.

He gave me his phone and all his texts and told me to see how he never once flirted or made any advances. I don’t know, I was very sad reading and hearing all this.

I told him that they disrespected me. Her last text to him is that she loved him and she would make him happier that I ever could. There was also messages with mean things about me to him and instead of confronting her he ignored her or laughed it off.

When I asked him about it he apologized and said she was obviously jealous so I didn’t want to engage. I told him that I wanted separation because I didn’t trust him anymore. He begged me not. Then he said that I should at least come back to my home and he would live with his parents.

He also asked if I could promise him not to start divorce yet and just be separated for a while and go to couples counseling. He said that he messed up very badly and wants me to give him time to make it right again and not just divorce him yet. So I moved back home this morning and he was here. We had breakfast and he left for his parents. I didn’t want him to kiss me.

He will be coming home when he needs to work in the office and probably if we start therapy. On these days I can be at my sister’s. She was more than happy to help. Now I don’t want to see him for a while. I hate my kitchen now (I’m sitting in my kitchen writing this) which is sad because we put so much effort into making it exactly what we wanted.

People continued to share their thoughts.

MoneyPrinter12 wrote:

You should invest in a front door camera. Definitely Tell her husband cause She was actively cheating on her husband with yours whether emotionally or physically and he should know what she’s doing. He blocked her after the text or when he showed YOU the text?

Do you believe he went to his parents? Have you asked them if it’s true? Cause why would she tell him that she loves him and could make him happier? What was he doing that made her feel and say that? If you’re staying make sure you get a postnuptial agreement to protect yourself.

OP responded:

No he blocked her after that text. Yeah he was at his parents. I don’t know why she told him that because I have no idea what they talk about when she’s here. I don’t know why she would make him happier tbh. She seems childish if she thinks making food and having the same taste in music makes a relationship.

After I left and she confessed she wanted to sleep with him he told her he wasn’t interested at all and then she wrote some mean things about me and that she loved him and would make him happier. So he blocked her.

Disastrous-Over4456 wrote:

He risked your marriage for some attention? I wouldn’t trust that nothing happened. Also, she’s a SAHM? Where are her kids when she’s over at your place? I assume they are older.

I would definitely tell her husband. There are consequences.

OP responded:

Her children are in daycare and school I guess.

Certain-Visit-0000 wrote:

You really have to separate. This is extremely awful how he did not even defend you when she talked s**t about you in texts. He just "ignored" them and continue to engage with her. If he really loved you, he wouldn't stomach the disrespect, or continue talking to her. He continued.

And does his parents know what he did? Or is he fabricating a story for them while he stays there? It's extremely fishy how he is living with them and telling you to stay in the house- is he telling them that you kicked him out? That you guys are fighting and he left to diffuse the situation? If I were you it'll be divorce.

You're been married for six months and this is the crap he puts out- having an emotional affair with another woman. And blocking doesn't mean shit- he'll continue to see her behind your back like the countless times he did despite you telling him that you dislike her coming over. It was only AFTER YOU CAUGHT THEM that he got scared. No f#$king way was he going to stop.

If you stay, he'll continue. Because not only is the neighbours husband not aware of this, you are aware of it and STILL are giving him a pass. He doesn't want the embarrassment of getting a divorce this early into the marriage. He wants it to simmer for some time so that pinning the blame on you is considered believable.

Wise-Banana1100 wrote:

Pls tell me u took the screenshot of her message. If you are at your apartment, I would suggest you tell her husband about this. You are glad you found about this right. He also has a right to know.

I would not think you are disrupting their marriage (some people does), she started it and ur husband (hopefully ex) continued it. Do not feel guilty if u tell the neighbour's spouse (show the MSG). It is up to them, what they want to do.