'My mom and sister 'tested' me by having my BIL flirt with me in front of the family.' MAJOR UPDATE

If you've ever thought your family was weird or inappropriate, the internet will expose you to far worse.

In a popular post on the Relationship Advice subreddit, a woman shared the disturbing "test" her sister and mom set up for her. She wrote:

"My mother tried to trick me [F26] into joining my sister [F31] for dinner after she "tested" me around her husband [M31]."

This is actually crazy and there's going to be lots of details so please bear with me. My sister recently got married. It's been about 3 to 4 months. I didn't really see much of them after the wedding (honeymoon and then back to work). But once a month our family all gets together and my parents host a huge feast. Since this took place a week ago, it was for the month of August.

During this dinner, my BIL was being extremely weird towards me. He was complimenting my body, ignoring my sister and just straight up acting so strange. It was completely unexpected for several reasons, one being his wife was sitting right next to me. Two, he has only been married a few months. Also, he's just never spoken to/about me like that before.

I felt really uncomfortable and I'm sure it transpired to the rest of the room because wtf. Except it was weird because nobody was pointing anything out. I was extremely confused and just wanted to leave. I left early but when I got home I just felt so icky. I don't even know how to describe it. I decided to message my sister and let her know his behaviour made me uncomfortable.

I told her that it was also concerning he felt comfortable enough to say these things of front of my parents and brother. I explained that if she didn't feel comfortable being in the middle I wouldn't mind explaining this to him myself. His behaviour was so unnerving that I face timed my boyfriend who was away for work in the US.

I told him it was weird and how suddenly my BIL's behaviour towards me went from that of siblings to this horribly uncomfortable situation. He was pissed, rightfully so. My sister didn't respond to my texts until the next day. She asked to meet up so I did. I was expecting her to be upset and to have him apologize for what he said. Instead, she admits it was all a test and I passed. I was confused to say the least.

What did she mean by a test? Passed? Like what's going on. Turns out, she had her husband do those things on purpose because she wanted to see how I would react if he had said those things to me and meant them. My reaction and choice to message her afterwards told her I could be trusted around him. I was offended to say the least. Why would she think I couldn't be trusted?

Well, let me tell you the, in my opinion, not very valid reason for this lack of trust. My sister has been married before. She was 27 and the divorce was about 10 months into marriage. Her ex was a psycho to say the least. He had known me longer than he did my sister, I was the one who had introduced them. They got along well and eventually started dating.

It looked like the healthiest and most romantic relationship to grace planet earth. Except when they got married. During their marriage, I was staying with them because it was a closer commute to work. (They had extra bedrooms and I would pay rent and cook and clean for myself). My underwear (bras and panties) would often go missing. It started off small.

I just assumed it got mixed up in my sister's laundry and would turn up eventually. But it was happening more frequently to the point I was buying underwear almost weekly. I kept pressuring my sister to admit she was stealing my underwear and she was adamant it wasn't her. I decided to just ignore it and go about my day. Something I hadn't even considered an option was the real reason.

My (former) BIL was stealing my underwear. I don't know, nor did I want to know what he was doing with it when I found out. But I was so disgusted and confused. Someone I thought was my friend, was actually just a perv. He admitted he had never really loved my sister and was just using her to get to me. I was just so creeped out and I pressed charges against him for his sickening behaviour.

I was able to get a restraining order and my sister divorced him almost instantly after finding out. She used something traumatic that happened to me and flipped it to make is seem like I'm the one who was untrustworthy. She claimed I must've strung him along for him to think like that and this test was just to prove I wasn't doing it again.

Safe to say I was extremely hurt and angry by her response so I told her to never speak or contact me again if that's what she really thought of me. My family found out and for the most part agree her behavior is crazy. But my mother stood by her actions and said my sister was just trying to protect herself from being hurt again.

I told her if she had just been honest with me from the start, I wouldn't have been as bothered. There's a right way to approach things and a wrong way. This isn't just wrong, it's also crazy. Why is she so adamant it's my life goal to hurt her? I didn't know that her ex was going to turn out like that so why am I being punished.

She claimed I should've had some indication he liked me but he really made it seem like he was head over heels for my sister. How am I supposed to know what's going on in someone else's mind? Anyway, the family dinner was earlier for this month as it was the most compatible date for everyone's schedules (yesterday). I told my parents to expect me not to show up if my sister and BIL were going.

It wasn't even because I refused to ever speak to her again. I had just said that because the situation was so fresh, I told my mother I would apologize when I had cooled down a little. It was just difficult to face them when they made me feel like a horrible person for a situation that was out of my control. My mother assured me my sister wouldn't attend so I agreed to come.

When I arrived they were both there. It felt like an ambush and it sort of was. My sister demanded I apologize for my reaction because it was my own fault it happened in the first place. I can't lie, I snapped. I told her she should remove my number and the title of being my sister if she really felt that way.

I just need advise because therapy isn't scheduled for another two weeks and I feel like I just dreamed a soap opera storyline. I feel kind of bad because I do understand my sister had her trust broken completely by her ex, but I feel like that distrust shouldn't be aimed at me, but the person who actually caused it. And i was the one who introduced her to the ahole in the first place so I feel guilty for that already.

But I'm failing to see how her schemes to manipulate me into thinking she's being wronged by a husband once again, is just far too extreme.

I want to apologize to her for one reason, ever introducing that man to her.

I really need her to see that I wasn't trying anything when her ex was stealing my underwear. I was just as in the dark as her.

How do I go about doing the above because I want to put this behind me and move on. I was just about healing from her former marriage and now this one is also putting me in a very uncomfortable position. With my sister, my BIL and my own mother. Any advise on how to tackle apologising, getting my sisters trust back, and showing her I truly just want the best for her?

PS: apologies for spelling/grammar mistakes. It's 2am and I usually sleep around 10pm. It's possible that parts of this won't make sense so I'm more than happy to try and make things easier to understand in the comments. I'm just so tired that my brain is working at >10% right now.

The internet had a lot to say in response.

rasherwood wrote:

What were your father and other family members doing during this charade? Why didn’t anyone speak up or have your back? Totally creepy!! You deserve to be treated better by everyone who was there.

OP responded:

My dad wasn't pleased with what my BIL had said during the August dinner. Then when he found out the plan he forbade him from entering the family home again. My mother lied and said that he wasn't invited but they showed up anyway. Apparently he was livid and thr*atened to call the p*lice if they didn't leave. I left after I said what I said so I don't know what happened.

But my brother called me and told me everything that went down from when I left the August dinner and this month's dinner. My brother and dad are amazing and I'm going to update the post at some point to make sure everyone knows. (This subreddit only allows you to make one update so I want to make it worth your while.)

They've been so supportive and have tried to talk some sense into my mother (their words, not mine). I've not spoken to my mother in a few days which is so odd for me because I always call her at least once a day. And of course haven't spoken to my sister or her husband.

Frieddumplings wrote:

Stop! You have absolutely NOTHING to apologise for. What they did to you was completely messed up. Who even comes up with these things? So this entire time she has this home-wrecking image of you? That's so hurtful. They owe YOU an apology.

OP responded:

This is what hurts the most. She really thinks it's my life goal to cause her misery. It's so exhausting. I miss my sister from before all this s**t happened. The one who loved and trusted me above anyone else.

itsallminenow wrote:

You have nothing to apologize for. Stop accepting the blame for something you had no part in other than being the victim.

Your sister's ex was stalking you and she was caught in the crossfire. Then all this s**t with her new husband, you have nothing to apologize for there either. Honestly your sister and your mum are crazy, they're blaming you for the fact that your sister came into contact with a crazy person stalking you and fell for him? Then to absolve her of all the blame for not realizing what was going on, it's become all your fault?

Do not apologize, do not make compromises with them, your sister is a horrible, disrespectful POS and I would cut all contact with her until she makes some kind of apology and contrition. You are being painted as the bad guy because something bad happened to you. Personally, I would remove myself from both their lives until they either see the light or they would not see me again.

You don't need your sister's trust back, she literally played you with some weird fake a*s test to "prove" you were honest, when you had never been dishonest in the first place. F**k those people. Get angry, you are being disrespected in this as much as you were disrespected by that horrible prick she married.

The fact that the other two went along with this paints them as being as bad as she is. I could not sit in a room with these three awful f**king simulacrums of human beings for a moment without some major apologising and a*s kissing and even then I would most likely never be able to speak civilly to them again.

Couette-Couette wrote:

Honestly, the behaviour of the new husband (edit : not just the disrespect) is quite concerning too. So he was ok to play the creepy BIL with you? It indicates this type of behaviour is quite okay for him.

Perhaps he even liked it. Your sister is so needy, she is willing to marry anyone. If my sister was living with me and her underwear were missing, I would investigate it seriously. She knew and was okay to close her eyes as long as you didn't make it public. Now she wants you to take the blame. Her and her husbands are the issue.

Three days later, OP shared an update.

A lot has happened the last couple of days. I have tried to read all the comments and take in everyone's advice. This has been the outcome. I lost a sister and a mother in two days. It's heartbreaking more than anything. I had a meet up with everyone, my boyfriend came with me so I had support during the conversation. Honestly it was hard to look at any of them for the way they treated me.

I'm so thankful to everyone opening my eyes to the crazy behaviour exhibited in the first part of this story. In front of everyone, my mother admitted to knowing about the plans from the start. Sister confided in her and she agreed it was a good idea. She supported her son in law openly harassing her daughter.

I'm in complete shock and it just hurts so much knowing she would condone this considering she knew how much I was affected by the first husband. She knew I was having a difficult time in therapy. It took me a long time to trust people again after that. And I feel like once again, my trust has been broken. I don't know how I'm ever going to trust anyone again.

I'm really thankful my boyfriend was there to comfort me because it was so hard keeping my composure around them. My sister was not budging at all. She kept maintaining she was in the right. She said the only reason I wouldn't apologize is because deep down I knew what her ex was like. She said I just liked getting attention from him knowing he was married to my sister.

She also claimed I overreacted and if it's acting then it's not harassment. I told her she shouldn't expect any calls/texts or just not to be contacted by me until I receive the apology I deserve from both her and my BIL. Speaking of, he was pretty silent throughout the whole thing. Probably because my father threatened his life if he spoke bad about me.

He did say that the only reason he did it was to placate my sister because she kept accusing him of "ogling" me. But still no apology from him. My mother, this one broke my heart the most. She told me I was over exaggerating and that I should be happy to have passed my sister's test. She actually said the words "we can all move on now."

I was in complete awe tbh, how could she think that things would just go back to normal after this. I asked why she was supporting such delusional behaviour. She said it was because she loved my sister and wanted her to be happy. I asked her if she loved me as much as my sister. She said yes, it seemed hesitant but I don't want to read too much into that.

I told her I wanted an apology for her schemes. She refused so I gave her the same conditions I gave my sister and BIL. Until I get an apology I simply am not speaking to all three of them. As a result, I also probably have to go low contact with my brother and dad because they both live with my mother. I mean I'll hang out with them outside and without the presence of my mother.

But if she'll let them is the question. I know some of you have suggested spending time with my boyfriend's family on holidays and occasions. (I think it was just one person but, oh well.) I haven't met my boyfriend's family before because they live in the US but after this situation.

I've taken two weeks paid holiday for the end of this month and he's taking me to meet them for the first time. I hope it goes well because they might be the only family I have now.

My therapy session has been moved to tomorrow because I requested an emergency appointment. Wish me luck. Anyway, my biggest thanks goes to all you redditors for helping me see the situation for what it was. For your advice and compassion I'm really grateful. I don't think I would have been able to get through this on my own.

It's likely I would have caved and apologised just for the pattern to repeat itself. Truly, thank you so much. Wishing you all the best and I hope you know that your advice might have just saved me from my need to always please others. I'll look back on this moment any time I feel like putting someone else's feelings above my own comfort. Hope your hearts are filled with love and happiness.

The internet fully had OP's back.

HyenaShot8896 wrote:

I'm so sorry, but you did the right thing. I know it hurts, and it sucks, but this is the healthiest thing for you. Maybe some day they'll wake up, and realize what they've done, but if not at least you have toxic out of your life. I do want to ask what are your brother, and father's thoughts and feelings on this? Did they have anything to say in defense of you?

OP responded:

My brother still lives with my parents so although he doesn't like what happened, he's just trying to keep out of my mother's way until he moves. My dad doesn't even want to be around my BIL ever again. I'm not sure how he feels about my mother's part in all of this tbh. Same with my sister but at the meeting he did say he was disappointed in her and said she should divorce BIL and move back home.

MarriedLife7 wrote:

This is obviously not the perfect update but please enjoy your trip to the states. This is the problem you will get in the future. If they do apologize to you are they doing so because of the ultimatum or not? Honestly I wouldn't trust your sister's apology ever and I would only accept your mother's if your brother and father vouched for her.

This is going to be rough so try finding different ways to communicate with your father and brother when you know your mother won't be around. Setup times for calls with the strict instructions that she isn't welcome to talk at this time. You put the pressure on them to come visit. If your father refuses to visit you alone then you have additional answers. Also what does your extended family think of the situation?

OP responded:

I haven't told anyone anything, I feel a bit embarrassed to tell anyone tbh. But none of my extended family members have mentioned anything to me so l don't think my mother or sister have really talked about it to anyone else.

LoveLogic83 wrote:

Good for you OP. I ABSOLUTELY would not have anything to do with either of them until they recognized their behavior was unacceptable as well. Also, can't say I have very much faith in your sister's new marriage if she finds this acceptable. Regardless, glad you made a decision you're at peace with.

OP responded:

Thank you! It was a difficult decision. Our culture is centered around family which is why we would get together as much as possible. It's going to be strange not seeing them as often but my memories with them have been tainted by this horrible experience.

So_ThatJustHappened wrote:

This is not the immediate outcome you wanted, but it is the stance you need to take for yourself, and you should definitely be proud of yourself for it. The sad truth is that your sister displays narcissistic personality traits, meaning she may never actually come around and see things differently. You will most likely have to live within established boundaries for your own health and happiness.

Your mom could just be stubborn and not like to be called out, or she could also be narcissistic herself. Regardless, the fact that she admitted to knowing and going along with it is despicable. That is not something a mother should ever do to her child.

The BIL is clearly spineless and is going to be walked all over by your sister if this is how things are starting off. Very sorry for the mess around you, but just know, it's messy AROUND you. YOU are NOT the mess!! Proud of you and I'm sure your boyfriend is too.

OP responded:

"Very sorry for the mess around you, but just know, it's messy AROUND you. YOU are NOT the mess!! Proud of you and I'm sure your boyfriend is too." This is what I needed to hear. Thank you. 💕

Hopefully, OP gets along with her boyfriend's family and they can have some wholesome quality time - creepiness be-gone.