'AITA for lying to my mom and tricking her into not attending my sister's wedding?'
"AITA for stopping my mother from attending my sister's wedding?"
My (34M) sister (29F) has been engaged for about 2 years and was set to get married in April. This was obviously called off, however, they decided to have a wedding with close friends and family this month (wedding was last weekend). My sister and I don't know our dad, so I filled in that role (walked her down the aisle, made a speech, etc.)
Our mother has always been fairly dramatic and has been very on again off again with us in our adult lives. She has sort of improved in the past few years, but still does some not great things. My sister made me promise I would keep her in check. I spent the night before the wedding with my sister in a hotel, while my wife and kids stayed with my mother, since she only lives about 20 minutes from the venue.
The morning of the wedding, my wife sent me a photo of what Mother was wearing. I'm sure you all saw this coming, but it was white and very similar in style to my sister's wedding dress. Wife told me she had gently encouraged that she chose another dress, but apparently this was the only nice thing she owned. Also locked her bedroom door, so Wife wasn't able to find her something.
This is where I might be the asshole. Essentially, I told my wife to lie to my mother and say that we would pick her up on the way in a nicer car so that she could make a big entrance with my sister and I. She was obviously ecstatic with this news, so saw no issue when my wife and kids left without her. We never picked her up. She doesn't drive, so this meant that she missed the wedding altogether.
We did call her just before the ceremony to see if she had come to her senses, but she didn't pick up the phone. I told my sister on the drive to the ceremony, and she wasn't at all shocked.
My mother is obviously livid with the three of us (wife, sister and I). Apparently, she assumed that this would be appropriate because the wedding was "non-traditional" anyway (it was very traditional, so I can only assume she said that because Sister is a lesbian). She says that she didn't deserve to miss the whole wedding because of it, and that we should have told her earlier not to wear white. AITA?
What do you think? AITA? This is what top commenters had to say:
Practical_Heart7287 said:
NTA. And congratulations to your sister and to you,sir, for your quick thinking in keeping the crazy contained.
[deleted] said:
NTA - A little extreme and you should have checked with your sister, but def not the bad guy here. There seems to be a trend lately of people wanting to make a statement at other peoples weddings. Whether it is proposing, coming out or wearing clothes that are inappropriate.
I am not sure what is going on in peoples minds these days, it is almost if the ability not to be a self centered selfish idiot is impossible. You are being asked to be witness and part of a special day for two people. It is not about you it is them.
This could be a commentary on where society has been going or how we have been raising people over the last 30 years, I dunno. What I do know it is sad, the unwritten rule for weddings was dont wear white and dont make a scene.
ilovelarrydavid said:
Even Moira Rose wouldn't pull this kind of schitt. NTA.
SilversShade said:
NTA If your sister is not thanking you now she will in the future. You did what you had to do to preserve this special day for her. It started with the white dress and would have ended in tears from your sister had you not done what you did. It's obvious your mom was not respectful of your sisters same sex marriage. Ignore the haters on here, you did good.
dellaevaine said:
Let your sister know - check. Stopped your over-the-top mom from upstaging the brides - check. Should have told her non to wear white - your wife did that - check. Your mom's only complaint is that her piss poor behavior was called out and stopped before she could enact it. You are the hero your sister needed. NTA
Chocolatefix said:
I was so ready to say YTA till I got to the part about her wanting to wear a wedding dress to her own daughters wedding. Telling her that you were going to pick her up in a special car to make a grand entrance is hilarious. You used her own narcissism against her. You really did your sister a big favor and didnt stand by helplessly and let your mother ruin such a special day for her. NTA.
OP also shared more details in this post in the JustnoMIL community:
To recap, my mother has a history of making events about herself, for example:
she showed up 15 minutes late to my high school graduation
didn't show up at all to either of my sister's graduations
decided she didn't like my major so refused to go to my college graduation, hid my sister's car keys so she couldn't go either. Then 17-year-old sister ended up catching public transport for several hours ALONE because she didn't want to disappoint me.
turned up halfway through my wedding ceremony in sweatpants just to make a scene that we didn't tell her the right time (we did)
wanted to be the first to hold my kids. Uh no.
So we kind of knew she would pull some shit at my sister's wedding, especially considering she had made some pretty homophobic comments about the relationship before. We don't know our dad, and because of the pandemic there wasn't really a bridal party, so I ended up as the father of the bride, brother of the bride and MOH rolled into one. One of my jobs was keep our mother in check
The night before, my wife and kids stayed at my mother's house, while I stayed with my sister. The plan was that Wife would drive our kids and my mother, since Mother can't drive. The morning of the wedding, my wife sent me a photo of what my mother planned on wearing. Not only was it white, but it was VERY similar to my sister's wedding dress.
Wife had suggested she wear something else, but apparently this was the only nice thing she owned. She also locked the bedroom door so Wife couldn't go find her something.
When Wife told me this, I told her to tell Mother that there was a change of plans and that we would pick her up in the nicer car I was driving my sister in so she could make a grand entrance with us. She obviously agreed, so didn't see an issue when my wife and kids left on their own at the original time. As the title suggests, my sister and I never picked her up.
I told my sister what was happening during the drive to the ceremony, and she wasn't at all shocked with what our mother had done. She did suggest that we call her before the ceremony began, so that I could run down and pick her up if she saw the error of her ways. She never answered the phone, and never called any of us, so we just got on with.
Obviously, Mother is livid, but hey, we all had a great time. I know a lot of people have seen this as cruel, but thought that some of you might find it useful or an enjoyable read. Don't let anybody ruin your wedding.