'My mom went through my GF’s wallet and took photos of her National ID. How do I approach this?' UPDATED 2X

"My [24M] mom [67F] went through my girlfriend’s [22F] wallet and took photos of her National ID. It’s completely out of character and I’m disturbed. How do I approach this?"

I have been dating my girlfriend for 3 months. A couple of hours ago, I was helping my mom upload a file from her WhatsApp Web. When she opened her "Saved Messages" (a chat with herself), I saw photos of the front and back of my partner’s National ID (in Argentina we call it DNI).

In my country, this ID is extremely sensitive. It contains a person's full name, home address, ID number, and signature. It’s basically like having a photo of someone’s Social Security Card and Driver’s License all in one. When I confronted her, she calmly said: "Oh, it’s nothing. I just wanted to know where she lives." I had already told her where my girlfriend lives, so that makes no sense.

The most disturbing part was when I asked her when she took the photo, she admitted with total normalcy that one day when we were out having a snack, she went through my partner’s purse, opened her wallet, and took the pictures.

I’ve had several girlfriends in the past and I always thought my mom was respectful of them. However, seeing how naturally she admitted to this, it leads me to think that she might have done this with my previous partners as well and I just never caught her until now. To clarify, my girlfriend is the same nationality and ethnicity as us, so there’s no cultural or racial "reason" for this.

This is completely unusual behavior or at least, that's what I believed. My girlfriend is a great person and has given her no reason to be suspicious. I am deeply disturbed and I feel this is a massive breach of trust. How do I approach this conversation with my mom? How do I even begin to explain this to my girlfriend?

Here's what people had to say to OP:

boundaries4546 wrote:

Tell your girlfriend, and she gets to watch MIL delete it. You messed up by confronting her, and not demanding she deleted immediately, as there is a chance she has back up copies now. Your girlfriend deserves to know that her credit is not safe. I highly recommend very much limiting your time with your mother, what she did is beyond reproach.

OP responded:

You're right, the shock got the best of me in that moment. I was so blindsided by her admitting it with such normalcy that I didn't act as quickly as I should have. I will make sure those photos are deleted from her phone, her cloud, and her 'recently deleted' folder while we’re both watching.

tsvk wrote:

Is there any chance she might be trying to impersonate being your GF? Identity theft?

I mean, lots of services have a way of confirming your identity by you uploading images of your identification card or passport for verification.

broccolicat wrote:

It's a problem either way, but I'd be really wanting to know the reasons why. Overly paranoid background checker, and her trying to defraud your girlfriend are both serious problems, but they're very different ones.

Is your mother involved with any sort of politics? Underground activism? Crime? Has any exposure to government, political or trade secrets? Old money? All these things could motivate someone to be paranoid and background check everyone in their circles.

bonded_together wrote:

This is really disturbing behavior. Going through someones purse while you're out, taking photos of their ID, and then acting like its completely normal? The fact that she admitted it so casually is the scariest part. she doesn't see anything wrong with what she did.

You need to tell your girlfriend. She deserves to know that someone has photos of her sensitive documents. And honestly your mom needs to delete those photos immediately. Also "I just wanted to know where she lives" is a lie. You already told her. This is about control or surveillance and your gf needs to know.

Eelpan2 wrote:

Holy hell that is a huge thing to do. Also in Argentina, DNIs as you say have such sensitive information. Your mum is crazy. I know things are impossible right now. But do your best to leave as soon as possible. Maybe dont have your gf over while you are at your mum's.

Two days later, OP shared an update.

Hey, I'm back. Things definitely took a turn for the worse...if that was even possible Brief summary, my mom took pictures of my GF's ID while we were away, I found out. After discovering those first photos, I asked my girlfriend to meet me for dinner so I could explain the situation to her in person.

She was understandably upset and scared, but she appreciated my honesty and the fact that I told her asap. However, she made it clear that she no longer feels comfortable or safe coming to my house, which I completely respect. I finally had a serious confrontation with my mom, and she didn't even try to deny it.

In fact, she admitted with terrifying calmness that she has done this with every single one of my previous partners. Not only that, but she also has done it to my siblings' partners as well. She insists she doesn't do this to steal identities or commit fraud; in her mind, she is doing it strictly for security reasons to protect the family. However, seeing the folders/files she had on everyone was absolutely mortifying.

My siblings have been married to their respective partners for over 10 years, and she still kept those files on them. I'm definitely telling them next. She had photos of IDs belonging to my sister-in-law, brother-in-law, and many of my friends. But the thing that made my skin crawl was finding a picture she had taken of a thong I had recently bought as a gift for my girlfriend.

I forced her to delete every single photo and backup in front of me. I made sure to empty the "Recently Deleted" folder and the trash on her phone and cloud storage to ensure nothing was left. Seeing that she has no remorse, I realized I couldn't stay there for another minute. I’ve officially moved out and I'm currently crashing at my best friend's apartment.

My girlfriend doesn't blame me, but we are maintaining a strict boundary with my mother. No contact. I’m still processing this total betrayal of trust. Since I left, my mother has been sending me money, about 100,000 Argentine Pesos (roughly $100 USD give or take) every couple hours to try and bribe me to come back and I have ignored her completely.

I am honestly devastated. I feel like I’ve lived for 24 years with a person I didn’t even know. Seeing this side of her has completely shattered my perception of so many things. It’s a level of betrayal that I’m still struggling to process.

I also want to thank everyone who commented on my previous post; your support and perspective gave me the strength to confront her and take the necessary steps to protect my partner and my own sanity. I don't know what the future holds for my relationship with her, but for now, I need to focus on healing and moving forward.

Here's what people had to say to OP's update:

Saint_blaise wrote:

$100 every couple hours? You could retire early if you play your cards right.

OP responded:

Lmao you got a chuckle out of me, thanks.

horizontal_bob wrote:

I don’t understand the purpose of doing this. That’s the part that makes this weird. Like if your mom was a cop and ran a background check to make sure you weren’t dating a criminal…it’d be creepy but it’d have logic to it What could she possibly be doing with these “files?"

OP responded:

That’s exactly what haunts me. If she were looking for a criminal record, you’d think 10 years of marriage (in my siblings' case) would be enough 'proof' of character. But it’s not about that.

When I confronted her, she couldn't give me a single logical reason other than 'security'. I think these "files" were her way of maintaining a sense of control over our lives. By hoarding our partners' private information, even photos of their clothes or old social media posts, she feels she knows them better than we do? Idk. I think it escapes any kind of logic.

Shanubis wrote:

What did she say about the thong? Did she have other pictures like that? The IDs are bizarre enough, but pictures of underwear are their own kind of disturbing. I'm just not following how she can explain any of this. Honestly, it feels like police should be involved.

Over such a long time, who knows where these sensitive documents have been sent or saved. This is bordering identity theft and she needs a big reality check outside of just losing her relationship with you.

OP responded:

I insisted heavily on that part, but it was the only thing she flatly refused to talk about. I didn't find more photos of intimate clothing, but I did find photos of many other personal objects (not belonging to me) that I assume were also gifts? I also found a photo of a perfume my girlfriend gave me just a week ago :/ so she was constantly doing this for a long while.

Not long after posting, OP shared another update:

UPDATE: Well, I talked to them when my nephews were asleep. My brother (45) and my sister (41) had been living with this for a lot longer than I realized.

When I told them, my brother’s first reaction was: 'Wait, you didn't know?'

He was almost casual about it. He told us that when they were kids and had friends over, my mom used to steal small belongings from their friends and keep them in a hidden box. My sister, on the other hand, was absolutely horrified. She started crying, saying: 'THAT explains why my friends always complained about losing things at our house!'

It turns out this isn't a new security obsession. It’s a lifelong pattern of behavior. She’s been collecting pieces of people’s lives for decades. My siblings just grew up thinking it was normal or were too young to understand how disturbed it was. I feel sick to my stomach knowing that this has been going on since before I was even born.

My sister-in-law was absolutely horrified to learn about the 'files,' but my brother-in-law actually laughed in a 'it all makes sense now' kind of way. He started sharing stories of how, for years, whenever he called the house, my mom would pick up and tell him my sister wasn't home, even when she was right there.

My sister-in-law then revealed that my mom once called her specifically to tell her that she didn't think it was 'appropriate' for her to be my niece’s godmother. She’s been trying to undermine their relationships and gaslight them for over a decade. It was active sabotage.

We’ve decided that we are going to confront her all together as a family. We can't let this keep happening. My siblings, their partners, and I are finally on the same page. I’m still staying at my best friend’s place, but knowing my siblings are with me makes me feel a lot less alone in this nightmare.

Here's what people had to say to OP's update:

Backwoodsintellect wrote:

Eh, security. Any of your former friends or family members friends ever made a hasty exit from your life? You can seriously mess up a persons day if you have all their digits & what else might she have photos of? I wonder if she’s ever blackmailed anyone? I’d hope not but why else would she call it security? Her Mom may have kept such files & told her to as well tho? It’s wacky enough that it could be that simple.

No, she’s not trustworthy. If she isn’t shooing undesirables away from her family… it sounds like just the nutty thing my Mom would do. Just because. No reason other than it’d make her feel she had power over these people, bc she would. Mom is sick. But she’s Mom. I keep a healthy distance from mine & withhold a ton of info.

When she stomps a boundary, I call her out. We had a couple years of near total no contact. Now we meet once a month for dinner. It’s getting better now bc she knows that if she disrespects me, she won’t see me.

Good luck whatever you decide to do. My mother has been the most controlling person in my life forever & I just figured out how she’s doing it. I let her!! I was a puppet on a string for years. And I’m old, 53F. She lies, a lot.

Glad I’m finally onto her game. It is a game with these people. I’m learning to play though bc I do love her. She's just sick in the head, old, set in her ways, goes down way too many non-existent rabbit holes & sees nothing wrong with her behavior. Until I point it out & excuse me? It’s been interesting!!

hypothetically007 wrote:

The things she kept in a file feels like it’s set up to blackmail the partners if things come to that in her mind. And like other comments said, everyone needs to do a deep search into applications for things like credit cards or loans that could’ve been opened with personal information.

Nurse_hatchet wrote:

This honestly just made me feel so sad for you. I can’t imagine suddenly realizing my mother had this side of her and having to reexamine our whole relationship. It’s a massive, repeated violation of trust. I wish you and your siblings/in-laws the best as you navigate this situation.