'My 'motherly' aunt wants me to give up my unborn baby girl to my 'godly' infertile cousin.' UPDATED 5X

"My 'motherly' aunt wants me to give up my unborn baby girl to my 'godly' infertile cousin."

I (24F) am currently 8 months pregnant with a baby girl and my aunt/cousin have been giving me trouble since I have announced the news. My partner and I already adore our girl and have no plans to give her up, but my aunt wants me to give up my child to my cousin, who has been suffering for infertility for the past 5 years.

For more context, my aunt has raised my sister and I as a motherly figure after our mother passed away when we were very young. We have been quite close with our aunt/cousin throughout our life and have been trying to support my cousin through her struggles with infertility.

My aunt is also very religious being a Mormon who regularly attends church and has a very rigid, close-minded view on morality/values and living a good life. She believes that a child deserves a strong, foundational religious upbringing with a strong, providing father and a loving, attentive mother.

Since my partner is not Christian and because we both have full-time jobs and careers, she believes that my child will grow up "confused" and "misguided" in our household due to our religious differences, lacking a proper sense of identity and adequate care. She says she fears that our child's well-being will not be put first in such an environment and that our kid could likely go down a "dark, immoral path."

According to her, my cousin, who works part time from home, and her husband are way better able to provide my child with a loving home with good values and religion.I have both my aunt and cousin blocked on most forms of communication and I have moved to a new home, where they do not know the address.

My partner and I also got married in a private ceremony so they won't have control over my medical decisions. Out of the two, my aunt has been more aggressively towards me and even showed up to my old apartment one day to scream and argue with me about the situation.

She, in a fake nice tone, tried to get me to come with her to a cafe near the church to speak with me about the baby even when I told her there is nothing to be discussed and that I'm keeping the baby. I spoke with the apartment manager and had to hide until she left after half an hour.

My aunt also has her church friends after me. They sometimes regularly send me hostile text message and voicemails. My cousin has been on the quieter side towards me and has been struggling with depression and trauma from her latest pregnancy last year ending in a stillbirth of her baby girl after preterm labor at 30 weeks.

She has been regularly posting on social media and has joined motherhood-related groups. I've heard through gossip that she is trying to get a baby through those groups and has been banned from a considerable amount of them to her dismay. She had been harassing young moms and widows for their babies.

My cousin is desperate for a baby to "fix" her family and is apparently "waiting for [MY NAME] to give birth" for my baby girl, who she apparently sees her own late baby in. My aunt and her are apparently sure that I will be overwhelmed with my decision and the responsibilities with motherhood that I will give up/"give more" to my baby by letting my cousin and her husband adopt her.

My aunt says that giving my baby to my cousin shouldn't be as hard as it could be because we are family and that I could have a baby later on as I am still young and have plans to attend grad school after working for a while. My cousin also apparently wants to get into contact as we had before my pregnancy.

I will not be speaking to her again until after I give birth to see where she is then and to prevent further stress during my pregnancy. I have been very supportive of her through her infertility journey and generally liked her more than my aunt growing up, but her behavior and thinking have shocked me and are making me fear for my safety.

I am planning a big wedding party for next year since my partner and I privately got married this year and I am not sure if my cousin/aunt would be invited and able to come. I have a lot of family support from both sides right now apart from those who are close to them and on their side, but I'm not sure if that support will be as strong in a year and what my relationship with my aunt/cousin will be then.

I have skipped some family events that I know they will be at, but I don't want to miss out on those family gatherings and fun forever. I'm not sure how the future will look like with my aunt/cousin after my baby and the issues that arise with that. Any support would be appreciated.

The internet had OP's back all the way.

badatboujie wrote:

Please start a paper trail and report any harassment from them to the authorities. This isn't some minor family issue. This is way out of line and could get worse if they're allowed anywhere near you and your baby.

I say this as someone who has lost a pregnancy, the way you've described how your cousin views your baby is unhinged. There is no wrong way to grieve, but this is not grief. This is a pair of people who are not mentally well.

MadMaid42 wrote:

This! I'd like to add it’s not normal to find any allies to this plan. Even religious fundamentalists don’t support taking away a child from their parents for no other reason than having a job and different believes. Your Aunt and/ or cousin have to spread some sort of rumors about you to gain sympathy. Like you being mentally unstable, or irresponsible in general, or ab-sive/ neglecting or even worse.

Stating the fact she’s claiming you would will get overwhelmed and those remarks about you’re still young I guess she’s telling others that you’re an immature kid not knowing how life works. ETA: So get hold on some flying monkeys and figure out what she’s telling about you.

Successful-Bit-7878 wrote:

This is not an issue to take lightly. This is a threat on your family’s wellbeing. They sounds extremely desperate and desperate people do desperate things, dangerous things, like kidnap people’s child-type of things.

I’m not trying to scare you but your concern over wanting to attend family events and being curious whether you’ll be able to invite them to your wedding party should be the last thing on your mind. These people sound extremely dangerous and given the opportunity they will take your daughter whether you agree or not.

You need to keep a paper trail and report them to protect your daughter, yourself and your family. I have had two early miscarriages, a loss at 21 weeks and 16 weeks. I have a son now and a baby (potentially two) on the way…I’d never in a billion years act as either your aunt or cousin has and I’m familiar with that level of grief.

They are not only going after your daughter, but other people’s as well. Does that really sound sane to you? They are completely unhinged. Stop treating them like family, they are now dangerous people who you should feel you absolutely don’t recognize anymore. Please protect yourselves.

appleblossom1962 wrote:

Please, whatever you do do not allow your aunt or your cousin to be anywhere near your child. Don’t allow them to hold your child. Do not ever ever allow them to babysit your child because your child will disappear. If it all possible in the future, maybe consider moving out of that city.

Make sure that you have cameras set up around your house even if they don’t know where you live now there’s always a chance that they could follow you home from work. Be hyper vigilant. Congratulations on the soon to be birth of your little one.

OP responded:

My partner and I have moved out of the city and into a new home recently. My aunt/cousin have become aware of this but don't know the address. I didn't think much of being followed home from work, but since they don't know where I live anymore, they may try something at my workplace. I'll have to talk about this more with my coworkers/boss and alert them sternly.

Friendly-Nectarine10 wrote:

That’s your baby and your baby alone. Get law enforcement involved if you have to. Get restraining orders if you have to. If you ever do talk to your aunt/cousin again, remind them how there are plenty of other babies in your area that are waiting to be adopted. Best of luck and congratulations ❤️

OP responded:

Thanks! Regarding adoption, I don't think my cousin would be a great adoptive mother so I would rather not encourage her on that. Based on what I know, she only wants a baby girl right now and the baby has to be "like her" (aka white and have whiter features) and must not have any issues.

She does not want to deal with or involve the birth mother and pretty much wants to act like the adoption never happened. Her mentality tells me she is only adopting for selfish reasons and does not want to make the adoption the beautiful thing it can be for everyone involved.

Although I am NOT giving her my baby, I am hypothetically concerned of how she would treat me and try to alienate me from any relationship with the child if I were in that position.

Three days later, OP shared three updates.

This will be a small update. We got in contact with the local church leader and talked to them about the situation with my aunt and cousin, who are both active members. We talked to him for a while.

He initially dismissed my concerns as personal conflict between family and tried to refer us over to counseling services. We explained to him that my cousin is dealing with trauma from her baby's passing and that she is having false hopes about adopting my baby, which would be raised in a good home.

We also told him that my aunt is feeding into those hopes and has been harassing me on her behalf, causing disturbance and a lot of stress. He told me he understood my side and that he knew what my cousin has been going through with her inability to have kids. He said he would contact my aunt and cousin to see what they have to say about the situation.

I talked again with him today. He said that my aunt and cousin would like to speak with me and that they were concerned that I stopped communicating with them, especially since I moved away. I explained to him that their behavior regarding my baby influenced me to do those things and pressed him on what they said.

He said that my cousin had talked with a church therapist and was looking into adoption to start a family because her IVF treatments were likely not going to produce a child with her condition. I emphasized to him that I was not giving up my baby and that my cousin had been thinking such. He said that understood that and started asking me for personal details on how I was doing now.

He was again trying to set up a meeting between us and my aunt/cousin and referring us to services. I told him I was not comfortable with that at the moment and he told me to at least call my cousin once. He said he will meet with my aunt on Sunday since I was "too scared" to do on my own. Our call ended after that. I'll comment any update on what he says in the coming days under this post.

EDIT 2: I am not satisfied with his response and do not like that he is putting pressure on me with reconnect with my aunt and cousin. He says he understands my concerns, but I think he is being rather dismissive of them and trying to force us to "resolve" our issues.

My partner and I thought it was worth a shot reaching out to him to because he has influence and religious authority over my aunt/cousin. I'll see what he says on the next phone call and see what I can do to make him care more.

EDIT 3: To make clear, I didn't give him any personal information and have no plans for any in-person meeting with my aunt and cousin. We are in contact with legal help. We do not live in Utah.

People kept it 100 percent real.

No-Translater-4584 wrote:

“It’s a trap.”

Salymander_1 wrote:

100% a trap. Yikes

Plus, the way the church leader dismissed OP as being, "too scared," was extremely condescending and manipulative. What a scummy way for him to behave. F that guy.

100milnameswhatislef wrote:

Get away from them and that Evil church, if that bishop was asking you personal questions about you and your partner he was doing it to use the information against you. DO NOT UNDERESTIMATED how evil LDS Mormons can be, if you live in the Utah area the church controls the courts and they could try and take your baby.

Do not give them any more information about you and yours. I was born into an uber Mormon family, I'm not spitting this out of nowhere.

infinitekittenloop wrote:

"I will not be re-engaging with either of these women. They have proven themselves to be toxic and dangerous. Not just to my mental health but to the safety of my family."

"I reached out to you in the hopes that you would be able to influence them before I have to contact law enforcement and pursue legal avenues of protection. I understand now that was a mistake. Please stop contacting me. Any further attempts from any of you to discuss this will be treated as har-ssment."

You really need to start making a legal paper trail. File a report with everything from your previous post. Even if the report goes nowhere for now, it's documented in case you do have to file for a protective order or something else happens down the road.

Religious leaders aren't on your side. They almost always take the side of the ab-sers and continue to victimize and traumatize YOU on their behalf. Especially if you aren't also their parishioner. Ordained Flying Monkeys, as it were.

I'm so sorry you're dealing with this.

Tequilafarmer wrote:

My wife and I had an opposite situation once. We're child free (by choice), and my wife's family tried to get us to take custody of a nephew. Because our lives are empty without children. Anyway, to echo another comment in this thread, it's a trap! Never trust anyone who would f-k with the lives children like this.

A week later, OP shared an update.

We spoke again with the bishop. He said that there isn't much he can personally do to "resolve" the situation "within his capacity" between me and my aunt/cousin other than refer to counseling services. I asked him if he did meet with my aunt and he said he did.

Their conversation was apparently focused on my cousin and helping her heal. He told me my cousin was also grieving the loss of communication with me and my sister who hasn't been talking much to her anymore. I told him that my cousin was trying to take my baby to replace hers and that her and my aunt's behavior was threatening the safety and well-being of me and my family.

I think he was losing interest in the conversation so he just told me to do whatever I feel is best for my family, but to consider the grief my cousin has been through and contact family counseling services for further help on this matter.

Me and my partner sent him an email afterwards with a copy to our lawyer to close off communication. I decided to unblocked my cousin and send her a message. I told her that my partner and I are keeping our baby and that is not up for discussion.

I encouraged her to seek proper therapy if she hasn't already done so and told her that I am not comfortable with her, her husband, or my aunt being involved in my child's life. She hasn't responded yet. Regardless of what she says, our relationship will not return to as it was before and she will not be a part of my child's life.

The commenters had a lot to say in response.

LocalTreat8785 wrote:

Good. Please never let down your guard with your aunt and cousin and whoever else supports their mindset. Not even when your child is older. They are a very real threat to you and your family.

mistressmonday wrote:

Glad there's some level of resolution but please stay safe and aware!! Also morbidly curious as to her response if there was one...

_coffeecup wrote:

Let her know you’re really sad cause “turns out the baby has a terrible genetic condition” or imply, as others have said that the baby died or something. You need to open your eyes and stop acting like any of these people are sane or reasonable. This organisation has a documented history of stealing children.

Would seriously consider changing your phone number and then moving again, as these people can call in favours especially if your phone is registered to your address. Genuinely I am so sorry for what you’ve gone through but you cannot assume it will end here. Be very careful especially if you live in a state like Utah or Idaho.

Do not be surprised if they send CPS after you based on fake reports. They can and will escalate to forced child removal and you need to start acting accordingly. STOP giving anyone the benefit of the doubt, For your child’s sake if not your own.

Five months later, OP shared another update.

Here is the update everyone has been waiting for! I was busy in the few last months with the birth and projects I have been working on as I recover from birth and take care of my new baby. I logged online a few times since then, but haven't gotten a chance to update. I am 25 now and my baby is almost 4 months old (time flies!).

She is doing well and brings us so much joy. I love going on walks with her and she is growing up so fast! I am planning to go back to work soon (looking for a new job). Thank you all for the concern and well wishes, and I hope everyone is having a great time during the Thanksgiving holiday season! 🦃

Now, the update that everyone is looking forward to: my cousin and aunt. Since my last update, my cousin and aunt went silent for a while and my cousin didn't respond to my texts. In August, my aunt reached out to me through a new number and ask me how I was, and if I had the baby yet.

We talked. She was concerned about my/baby's wellbeing since I distanced myself from a lot of my family and had to leave my job. I asked about my cousin. She says they have been trying to adopt a baby through their church connections but nothing has been successful so far (cause they probably just started on that).

I asked about whether they consulted with a proper adoption agency but my aunt said that my cousin's husband's past may become a problem (didn't know about that) and she proceeded to rant about how the (white) birthrate is dropping and how people were "actively denying themselves parenthood."

She asked me if I still wanted the baby and got angry about "9th month ab-rtions" (she is pro-life w/o exceptions). I reaffirmed to her that I did and she talked about how my cousin was getting old (but she is in her early 30s) and that her nest is still empty.

She wanted me to at least "share the joy" and let me cousin be in my daughter's life and spend time with her. I told that would not be possible due to their past behavior. I fear that my cousin would try to become her mother and let her delusions get to her again. My aunt said that my cousin was trying to become better and got some church counseling. I still told her no.

She then asked me if I knew anyone or any resources to adopt a baby. I told her I didn't and that my cousin/her husband should be careful and patient with trying to become parents. My aunt emphasized how becoming parents was important to my cousin and her husband because they "deserved" children at this point and for their reputation since everyone around them is reaching the parenthood milestone.

She asked about my future family plans and pushed me on when I am going to get pregnant again/have my next child. She told me family planning was important, especially after this surprise pregnancy and asked if they could be involved next time.

As the call went on, more and more of her past/usual behavior became apparent and I was getting tired of it. I wanted to end the call, but she ended it first because she had some activity. Thankfully, I have my sister to keep me in the loop with what's happening with my aunt/cousin and other matters regarding my family and my old church.

Everything my aunt said was apparently true about my cousin. According to my sister, my cousin's overall mental health seems to have improved from her worst, but she still has her deep depressive periods. She sometimes feels "very empty" with her lack of children and her worsened relationships with me and my sister.

My cousin and her husband are also trying to find an IVF doctor abroad in hopes of a miracle since a lot of their options are shutting down here. My cousin apparently still views my baby as something she "lost," but she believes God will give her kids soon and has been trying to get her sins forgiven. We are skipping Thanksgiving with my side of the family in a few days for obvious reasons.

I am going back to the workforce soon, likely after all the holidays. I have my childcare arrangements ready with all the necessary precautions and the future is looking good overall. Again, thank you all for your support and let me know if you have any questions about anything (Mormonism, my family, motherhood, etc.)!

The internet continued to be invested.

MadHatter06 wrote:

I really wonder if your aunt feels that she also “deserves” the baby to be a grandmother. A lot of those types feel that they are owed grandchildren. Good for you shutting down the idea of your baby having any sort of relationship with your cousin. You are being an amazing mom by protecting your baby girl. Keep boundaries, and keep your little one snuggled close! ❤️❤️

OP responded:

Perhaps so. My aunt has said that she is "ready for the grandma life" and has been heavily invested with my cousin and her starting a family. When we were younger, my aunt also said that she would be a grandma to my/my sister's future kids since we lost our mother very young. I guess she doesn't have that enthusiasm anymore. And thank you!

tfcocs wrote:

SW here: the part about your cousin not being able to go through a proper adoption agency because of her "cousin's husband's past may become a problem" raised all the red flags. Aside from her infertility, your cousin's choice in a partner sealed their fate. Is she willing to recognize that, rather than demonizing you? Best wishes to you and your wee one!

OP responded:

My cousin and her husband are very religious and all about "forgiving people for their sins." I think she probably forgives him for his troublesome youth. Yet she was nasty to me when I was pregnant and wanted to raise my kid.

They are going through their church connections to see if anyone planning to adopt out their baby and other means. Apparently, it hasn't worked out so far. So now they want to do IVF again with a doctor abroad.

Best-Salamander4884 wrote:

I'm glad to hear that you're doing well OP! The only thing I would say is, your aunt sounds as crazy as ever. I strongly advise you to keep her (and the rest of your family) on an information diet. Please don't tell them about your childcare arrangements or your routine because they sound crazy enough to try and take your child when you're not there.

Also under no circumstances should you ever let your aunt (or any other family member) alone with your child. It's not worth the risk. The way your aunt talks about how your cousin and her husband "deserve" children is particularly disturbing. I wonder if she thinks that your cousin "deserves" your baby more than you do. I'd be very careful if I were you, your aunt doesn't sound like a safe person.