'My mother's been gaining weight for her BF the past year. It's affecting her health. What can I do?' MAJOR UPDATE

"Me [19F] with my mother [45F]. She has been gaining weight on purpose for her boyfriend over the past year. It's starting to affect her health. What can I do?"

The problem relates to my mother and her weight gain over the last year or so. It started sometime last spring/summer a few months after she had started dating her current boyfriend, Mike. Prior to that point, she was in decent shape.

My mom was always a bit overweight during my childhood and teenage years, but after my parents split up, which was about two and a half years ago, she started taking better care of herself.

We became running/diet partners, and she eventually reached the 130s, although her weight still fluctuated some. Sometime around late January of last year she met Mike. He seemed like a nice enough guy when I met him, and they soon became serious.

I think it is important to note that Mike is the first serious relationship my mom has had since she split with my dad. In any event, things were fine heading into the summer of last year. Then sometime around my high school graduation in June she told me that she needed to have an important conversation with me. When we talked, she told me that she was going to be seriously cutting back on our runs.

She said that it was because she wanted to put on some weight and become curvier again. Mike had told her that he preferred women who were more curvy, and she wanted to please him. She also said that she wanted to relax for a little while and not worry so much about her weight. I didn’t really think that much about it at the time.

I assumed that my mom knew what she was doing, so I just left it at that and didn’t really try to discourage her. She seemed content with her decision, and I was happy to see her relationship with Mike going so well. After our conversation, my mom cut her runs with me from 4-5 days a week to just 1-2 days a week, and she started walking instead of running or jogging. She also stopped being so strict with her diet.

She had cut out things like sodas and junk food in order to lose weight, but she started eating and drinking them again. As you can guess, she started to put on some of the weight she had lost. By the time I went to college last fall, she had probably put on about about 15-20 pounds, which put her back around what she weighed when she was still with my dad. I wasn’t that worried, though.

My mom carried the weight well and seemed happy with her decision and her relationship with Mike. I didn’t see or speak to my mom that much for the next month or so until I came home for fall break. That was the first time I had seen her since move in weekend, and she had put on even more weight.

I didn’t ask her how much (didn’t really think it was any of my business at that point), but I thought it would be okay if I tried to subtly encourage her to be a little healthier, especially since she had stopped exercising altogether by this point. I tried to get her to go on a run with me over break, but she would just give me an excuse each time (e.g. too cold, too tired, etc.) or Mike would discourage her.

I also couldn’t help but notice that her diet had become even worse. It seemed like almost everything she ate now was fast food or some kind of junk food. I suspected that this was mostly Mike’s doing since he was always bringing home unhealthy food and avoiding things like fruits and vegetables.

Still, I didn’t really feel like it was my place to say anything yet, so I left it be. I did ask her if things with Mike were okay or if something was bothering her. She said that everything was fine, so I just said okay. I went back to school and didn’t come back home again until Thanksgiving break, but it was more of the same--my mom had gained more weight.

I am not sure exactly what she weighed at this point, but I know she was larger. I hadn’t planned to say anything, but I got worried after watching her eat over break. Even though I knew it was normal for people to indulge over Thanksgiving, it seemed like she was always eating. I would see Mike constantly bringing her snacks or something and mom would eat it.

Even if she said she was full or not hungry, he would make a big fuss until she gave in and ate whatever it was he brought her. I made a point to speak to my mom and told her that I noticed she had still been gaining weight and it was starting to worry me. I told my mom that if she continued to gain weight it would have a negative impact on her health.

She told me that she had just been enjoying herself and the freedom of not having to worry about her weight and what she was eating. She said that Mike told her that he didn’t care if she gained more weight after the first 20 pounds and had actually encouraged her to get bigger and curvier.

I asked her why she had decided to stop caring about herself and her weight, and my mom told me that Mike had helped her see that she was always meant to be an overweight woman. She now believed that she looked better if she was larger and said that she planned to gain some more weight. I asked her when she planned to stop, and she said when she got to around 200 pounds.

I sort of lost it there. I told her that she was eating herself to death and that she needed to eat healthier, be more active, and lose some weight. We had a huge fight, and I wound up leaving early to go back to school. After the Thanksgiving incident, she messaged me and told me that she was an adult and would not be lectured to or controlled by her child.

My mom also told me that if I wanted to live in her house I needed to respect her choices and not interfere with them or her relationship with Mike. I also got an email from Mike. It said basically the same thing--respect my relationship with your mother and her choices or don’t come home. (He had moved into my mom’s house by this point.)

I decided to spend X-mas and New Year’s with my dad and his family, and I didn’t come home during the spring semester. I just recently finished school and moved back into my mom’s house for the summer. I had kept up with her through Facebook and knew she had still been gaining weight, but I didn’t realize how big she had gotten until I got home.

I would guess she is somewhere around, if not over, 200 pounds now. Everything about her is bigger; she doesn’t even look like my mom anymore because of how much weight she has gained in her face. She is mostly sedentary now other than what she does at her office during the day.

After she gets home she sits on the couch and gorges herself. I am shocked at how much she eats now. Mike is always bringing her food and encouraging her to eat, and she is happy to stuff herself each night until she has a belly ache. My mom will also wake up each night and go into the kitchen to fix herself a “snack,” which is really just another large meal.

They don’t even hide the fact that my mom is actively trying to get fatter! Mike has encouraged my mom to buy larger sizes of clothing for my mom so that she has “room to grow,” and she agreed. I have also heard Mike and my mom talk about her trading in her car to get something that will be more comfortable for her as she gets bigger.

It is crazy! I know this is what they both want, but the extra weight is starting to impact her health. She gets out of breath very easily now and complains if she has to do a moderate amount of physical activity (e.g. walk a long distance from a parking lot to a store, etc.)

She also has developed minor knee and back problems and is always tired, and I know that this will only get worse if she continues to gain weight. However, she blames these problems on age and on her asthma rather than her weight. It is breaking my heart to see her doing this to herself.

I am so afraid that she is going to die young and leave me without my mother if she continues down this path. I tried bringing up the subject again the other night even though I knew that Mike and my mom would get upset. I asked her at dinner if we could maybe try to eat less fast food and junk food and if she could stop trying to actively gain weight, and she got mad.

She told me that I was a vain person, and that not everyone wanted to be a shapeless rail--some women want to have curves. After that, Mike came into my room and told me that if I said anything else, my mom had agreed with him that I would have to find another place to live for the summer.

He also told me that I just needed to accept that my mom is a larger woman and that she will be getting larger. I asked him what he meant and mentioned that she said she would stop at around 200, and he told me that they both had decided that she should keep gaining past that.

I got angry with him, but was afraid to say more. I don’t doubt that he would kick me out of my mom’s house, and I am not sure if my mom would try to stop him. I tried contacting my sister about this, but seeing as she lives in another state and doesn’t get along with our mom, she didn’t really have anything to say.

My dad doesn’t want to get involved either, since he has a fiancee and his own life. I would speak to some of my mom’s friends, but I don’t know if that would work. She hasn’t had much to do with them since she started dating Mike, so I don’t know if they would feel comfortable intervening.

There isn’t any other close family members on my mom’s side that I could talk to. I really would appreciate any help or advice! I want to say something again, but I know how that will end. I guess I am wondering if it is better to take a (final?) desperate stand or bite my tongue and try to help my mom in a more subtle way. Or should I just accept that my mom is an adult and has to make her own choices and mistakes?

TL;DR My mom started dating a man named Mike. He likes curvy women and has convinced her to gain weight for him. However, now the weight gain has started to affect my mom’s health and my relationship with her because I am trying to make her live a healthier lifestyle. I have been told that I will be kicked out of my mom’s house if I keep bringing up the subject. What should I do?

The internet had a lot of comments and questions to add.

[deleted] wrote:

Look up "feeder fetish"

OP responded:

Someone else said something similar. They thought that my mom might be in feeder relationship or something. Do you think this is what is happening?

throwingtaken wrote:

Yes, absolutely.

OP responded:

I know she has told me that she was gaining weight to get curvier, but it blows my mind to think that she could actually be doing this because fat is some kind of turn on. If you are right, then I am not sure she will change anytime soon. :(

Joanie_of_Arc wrote:

This is absolutely what's happening. Mike is using the word "curvy" deliberately, because it has a connotation of being attractive. Curvy is a word that has historically described women with a certain figure - think hourglass.

This word's application has evolved...not gonna get into that here...but now Mike can find a lot of stuff to back up his claim that the figure your mom is developing is sexy and curvy and not a "bone because only dogs like bones" type thing. Your mom is NOT developing a curvy figure.

I wouldn't be surprised if he presented her with the 200 lb number at first because it sounded less scary to a person who was new at perceiving being overweight as attractive, and figured he could use the time while she worked at getting to 200lbs to continue molding her perception into extremely overweight = beautiful and continue to raise that number as he is able to further and further delude her over time.

That being said - I don't know what the answer is here. If you were to inform your mom about the existence of this fetish, and she weren't horrified by it, or didn't believe you, you are kind of out of options. I am so sorry you are going through this.

OP responded:

This is the pattern that I am afraid will keep happening. First, my mom just wanted to put on some weight to be curvier. Mike then convinced her to get to around 200 pounds. Now he wants her bigger.

It is scary to see how easily he convinced my mom to put on a lot of weight and then got her to put on more. Like you said, the goal keeps moving, and it worries me to think that he will convince her to get to 225 pounds only to then want 250, 275, 300, and so on.

OP added the following in the comments:

I am still deciding what I am going to do, but I do think that it will depend on what choice gives me the most peace. It would hurt me to lose my mom (whether that is physically or emotionally), but I have a hard time seeing myself being able to just stand by and watch her make decisions that I know she will regret.

I also think I wouldn't be a very good daughter if I didn't try every thing I could to help her for as long as I can. I think there are definitely some more subtle things I could do, like what you have suggested, etc., before a final confrontation.

If I try everything that people have suggested and it doesn't help, then I would consider being direct. I would hope that either then or someday she would come to her senses. It may cost me my relationship with my mom, but I can accept that if it saves her life.

The way he makes her eat is disgusting. My mom will sometimes complain that she is full/not hungry after a meal, but he will always insist that she needs to eat dessert. If she says no, he will pout until she feels bad. Then she'll eat it to make him happy.

There was an incident last week where he brought home a pie. I was going to cut myself a slice before dinner, but he stopped me and told me it was my mom's. Okay, not a big deal. However, at dinner that night, after we had finished eating, he brings the pie out for her. He cuts two big slices, and puts them on her plate. My mom then tells him that she is full (she had already eaten quite a bit).

Mike just looked at her and told her that she was ungrateful. He said that he had gone out of his way to get her her favorite pie and that she never appreciated the things he does for her. My mom began to apologize. She said that she was not that full and started to eat the slices. The whole thing was a pretty horrifying experience.

Two and a half months later, OP shared an update.

I hadn’t planned on posting an update, especially after how everything turned out, but since many of you have been messaged me expressing concern, I thought that it would be okay. I read all of the comments that people made in the first post many, many times, but I still was unsure of whether or not I should say anything and risk getting kicked out of my mom’s house.

However, I felt like I had to say something after I continued to watch my mom, at Mike’s encouragement, overeat. I came to the conclusion that my mom’s life and health were too important for me to stand by and say nothing while she slowly k***ed herself.

I knew that I would stand a better chance to help her if I planned out my strategy ahead of time instead of getting angry and exploding like I’ve done in the past, which went very poorly. I did what one of you suggested and invited my mom out to eat lunch one day so I could get a chance to speak with her alone.

I knew that if Mike were around that I would have no chance of getting her to listen to me. Like some of you suggested, I printed off some materials about ab#sive relationships and feeder relationships to give to her when our conversation was over. At lunch, I basically repeated what I had told her in the past—that I was concerned about her health because I wanted her to be around for a long time.

But I did emphasize that I respected her role as my mother and her ability to make choices for herself as an adult. I told her that I was just concerned and wanted her to have the ability to make informed choices, but ultimately I would respect whatever decision she reached.

My mom did not respond to what I said well. She started getting upset, and she got particularly angry about me mentioning feeder relationships. She told me that none of this applied in her case—Mike just liked curvy women. She also accused me of being jealous and insecure about her relationship with Mike, and she said some other hurtful things.

She continued to deny that her relationship with Mike was ab#sive and that her weight was causing her any health problems, even though I think there’s no longer any doubt that both are true. When we got back home, she told me that I had two days to move out, so I spent the rest of my summer at my dad’s house.

I didn’t see my mom again until two weeks ago. I had to go back to her place to pick up the stuff I left there. I can’t say that I was surprised to see that she’d continued to put on weight. I was surprised to see the state of the house, though. It was an absolute mess. There were all kinds of take-out boxes and food containers all over the place. It looked like it hadn’t been cleaned since I left.

I tried to get out as quickly as I could, but before I left my mom said she wanted to speak with me. She told me that I needed to know that Mike had asked her to marry him, and she had accepted his proposal. The wedding would be taking place soon, and I was invited to come if I apologized to the two of them for my behavior.

She then informed me that they were looking to move to Oregon. Mike has family out there, and since my mom has no close friends or family here anymore (mostly because of Mike), she thought it would be a good move to start over. I didn’t really know what to say, so I just told her I was glad she was happy.

I honestly don’t know what, if anything, I can do. I want to believe that there’s something else I can do, but I have no idea what that would be. I hope that she’ll eventually realize what Mike is doing and will ask for help. Even though things didn’t turn out well, thank you all for your help. At least we tried…

TL;DR I tried to talk to my mom, but she didn't listen. I'm sad for her, but I don't think there's anything else I could have done differently.

The internet did not hold back.

[deleted] wrote:

I would decline the invitation for the wedding, but say that you're always there for her when she needs you.Unfortunately I went through something similar with my sister, and we had an almost non-existent relationship for about 4 years until she came around and realized that her husband was abusive. It wasn't easy but I refused to be an enabler. I recommend you do the same.

OP responded:

I don't think I can attend the wedding. It would feel like I was giving my approval to the relationship. I realize that it's probably going to cause further damage to our relationship, but it would feel wrong.

BeesForKnees wrote:

If you apologize it is just going to make it seem like you did something wrong...and you didn't. You love your mom, so I think the best thing you can do is decline the invitation but offer to always be there for her if she needs to talk.

You can't enable or show approval of this relationship. It's a shame that she is so blind to whats happening but hopefully she will eventually come to her senses. Your body can only take so much abuse but I hope she snaps out of it before permanent damage occurs. Good luck

OP responded:

I hope so too. Thankfully she still seems to be generally in good health, especially considering she's probably gained 60-90 pounds in the past year.

eshtive353 wrote:

This sucks to hear, but your mom has to make her mistakes. There's nothing you can do to prevent what's happening. Just be there for her when (not if) this all goes to shit.

OP responded:

I'll always be here if she needs me, and I've tried to make sure that she knows I still love her. I guess at some point you have to let people make their own mistakes.

ISmellWildebeast wrote:

I'm so, so sorry. I think you'll be losing her for at least a while. Were you in contact with her over the summer even though you were living with your dad? If so, try to maintain that, just discussing other things.

Obviously you can't apologize for your behavior/go to the wedding, when it would essentially be OKing your mom's destruction, so I fear that even if you have been in contact your relationship will suffer a significant blow.

When that happens (or if it already has), I'd email her and tell her that you understand how impossibly difficult it may be to ask for help (I'm thinking about the kind of depression that inevitably comes along with this kind of ill-health).

But you want her to know that you will always be there in the event that she reaches out for it. It could be years from now, it could be never, but I'm hoping with all my will that it will be before this wedding. I hope you get your mom back.

OP responded:

Not really. I sent her some messages, but she didn't respond to most of them. I haven't heard from her in the past two weeks or attempted further contact.