'AITA for "shaming" my parents for getting my brother a car on his 18th bday but not me?' + UPDATE 2 YEARS LATER

"AITA for being mad at my parents that they got my older brother a car for his 18th birthday and not on mine, and then causing the whole family to be up in arms about it till they came through?"

Ok I know the title sounds like I'm spoiled. But hear me out. My brother (20) got a car for his 18th birthday. Not a new car or anything. It was a 20 year old Lexus that was in pretty good shape. And he rubbed it in my face for the rest of the time he was in senior year of high school. Compared with my brother I get just as good of grades as he does.

Better in some cases even. I worked my hardest in the hope of fairness. I even did some volunteering cleaning up garbage in my local area. Then my 18th birthday came and went a few weeks ago. And the only thing I wanted, the only thing I was hoping for was a car. I wasn't expecting something like a new car, or a sporty car. Just something reliable like my brother got.

The party wasn't anything like my brother's 18th. For his 18th my mom baked the cake herself. It was a delicious layered chocolate pudding cake. I got a sheet cake from the super market. For his they got a DJ. For mine it was my dad's old boombox with a couple of mix CDs. We went through whole party, and I figured my parents might have just been waiting to spring a surprise gift on me. But that didn't happen.

I asked them as things were wrapping up why there was no car when my brother got one. And they said that they felt like he'd worked harder for it. I asked what he did that I didn't do. Because I did all of that and more. My grandma was nearby and heard everything. And then she asked them why as well. She ended up lecturing my parents that she was very very very disappointed in them for showing favoritism.

Then she proceeded to announce to everyone still there that my parents thought it fine to get their first born son a car and DJ, but not their second. And then she even pointed out how much harder my parents tried for my brother's 18th birthday than they had for mine. My uncle was the first to stand up and say something.

Then everyone else who'd not left yet. I ended up just walking away and going to my room to sit and think. I got a few I'm sorry calls from relatives. And my grandparents convinced me to go out with them for the evening. But when I got back my parents were pissed, and told me I'd shamed them to the whole family. I just walked past them because I didn't want to fight.

The next few weeks went by with the silent treatment between us. But then a few days ago, my parents suddenly surprised me with a white 98 Subaru Legacy that runs great. They practically threw the keys and the title in an envelope at me and said to have fun. I got the car.

And they're paying for insurance for the next six months like they did for my brother. I know a car isn't really a right, but a privilege. So I feel like I've essentially blackmailed my parents into getting me one. AITA for how all this played out?

Edit: I would like to clarify a few things. My parents make pretty good money. And also don't go out of their way to live lavishly by choice. They've always been moderate in everything they buy or do. Though if anything is stretching their finances, it's my brother's college tuition.

He got a partial scholarship and my parents are paying the rest. I don't and never intended to ask for the same treatment on that. I want to work and pay my own student loans. Now that I have the car, I'm already looking into getting a part time job.

This also isn't a gender thing as I'm male like my brother. The bill of sale for the car I got says my parents paid $1600 for it. My brother's car cost them about $3000+ if I remember. But I don't see it as a money issue. I actually really love the Subaru. And told my parents so. They did not share my enthusiasm.

I also did try to talk about a car with my parents a few times last year. But they always dodged the conversations about the topic. I figured if I talked about it too much, it'd ruin it. And so I stopped. I would have felt like a brat to keep talking about getting an imaginary car. So I learned to just stay silent and hope.

I can't go stay with my grandparents because they live in a one bedroom condo. There isn't enough room for other people. After all their kids grew up, my grandparents decided to downsize to make their eventual retirement easier. Also my grandparents know all of the details already. And they tell me that I didn't do anything wrong.

And were already planning on confronting my parents quietly over the car issue. But they took the chance to take care of the matter when they heard me asking my parents about it. As for my brother's 18th birthday party, it was held in 2020. Honestly we shouldn't have had a big party like that at the time.

But my parents insisted. As for my brother himself, he barely speaks to me, even before he left for college. He didn't show up for my 18th birthday party. And I figured that's just because he's busy with college, and he's not even in the same state as us anymore. Honestly I haven't seen or heard from him since Christmas. And even then the most I got out of him was a mild greeting.

I did thank my parents for the car. Enthusiastically thanked them even. But they've barely said a word to me after giving me the Subaru. And when I thanked my parents, they brushed me off and just went inside. It kind of gave off the vibe that they were letting a brat play with his new toy. Which was pretty upsetting. And one of the reasons I made this post.

Edit 2: There was one more thing I forgot to say. I was really hoping to get the car because I literally couldn't get a part time job without one. We don't live in the city. And we're ten miles from the nearest public bus stop. I've always had to get rides to go anywhere. Now that I have the Subaru, I intend to look for a part time after school job as soon as I can.

Edit 3: Since it came up in so many messages. I want to clarify that when I went to talk to my parents after the party, it wasn't in front of the rest of the family. I intentionally spoke with them in another room and was supposed to be out of earshot of everyone else there.

But my grandma eavesdropped and then barged in to start lecturing my parents about their actions. And that's what caused the crap-storm to start.

What do you think? AITA? Or are his parents the AH's for playing favoritism? This is what top commenters had to say:

Chiandra323 said:

OP ... are you ok ? This must have been quite traumatic for you. Being the less favored one must be painful. I am sorry about that. Keep working hard not for their love and approval but for yourself and your future. Your grandma is the bomb btw. A real treasure.

NTA ... you asked for fairness, which is your right. Your grandma is the one that stirred the pot. You just wanted the same kind of passion your parents put into your brothers bday. You stood up for yourself. thats great, shows great character. good on ya.

Sweet-Salt-1630 said:

NTA I'm sorry you had to fight for this. Any chance you can move out to your grandparents? Your parents are toxic. Let their first born look after them now. Just awful behavior, look after your grades, work hard and show these awful people you don't need them.

Regulus-Blacks-Child said:

Let me get this straight. Your parents gave your older brother a huge party and a car twice as expensive as the one they got you, and said that he worked harder for it? THEY GIVE HIM EVERYTHING AS IT IS! He didn't do sh*t, you did! You're absolutely, completely, unequivocally NTA here. Your parents are for showing favoritism and treating you like a spoiled brat for wanting equal treatment.

Five months later, he shared this update:

I've not logged onto this account in roughly five months. So now I can tell you all the rest of what happened before college starts. But before that, there's some things I wanna get out of the way from previous commenters and messagers. I literally needed a car because there was no way for me to get a job without one. I had no personal transportation, and live over ten miles from the nearest bus stop.

I did get a part time job that later went full time for the summer after I graduated. But three weeks into working part time, the Subaru blew the head gasket while on the highway at like 45 miles an hour. The temp gauge redlined and I had to pull over and call for help. My grandparents took a look at the car and found that someone had ran a lot of gasket sealer in it, and it was still in the coolant.

The car was basically bandaided back together before my parents bought it, and was then barely hanging on by a thread. It drove great, and I was never pushing the car hard as I'm kinda a slow driver. My parents claimed no prior knowledge of the problem.

But their only real reaction was to shrug and say it was karma for making them get me the car in the first place. Well that was a mistake because my grandparents were right there to witness that, and they tore into my parents like none other. My grandma told me to go wait in my room and let them sort this out.

It was two hours before I was called back into the living room. My parents were on the couch and both looked like they'd both been metaphorically hit by a truck. My uncle and two other relatives were there now too.

My grandparents had gotten it out of them that when they bought the car, they just looked for the cheapest thing they could find close in the area that still ran, and bought it no questions asked. They didn't even bother to inspect the car, let alone properly read the ad for it.

My uncle who knows a thing or two about cars told me that the engine would basically need to be rebuilt because the head gasket warped the block, and it'd cost more than the car is worth to fix it. I had to call into work and tell them I was unable to make it in because my car was dead. They understood and basically put me on a sort of unpaid leave for the moment.

Now I want to point out that what happens next I had no involvement with. My grandparents just told me to chill for a while and let them and my parents take care of this. And they did. A few days later they came back with a 1999 Honda Civic Hatchback with 180.000 miles on it. It was white like my Subaru was, and drives great. It's not all wheel drive like the Subaru was.

But it's great on the road and gets better gas mileage. There was also a list of all recent repairs done to the car. Things like a new radiator and stuff. My uncle also went over the car before giving it the ok. I thanked everyone profusely. My parents though had all the elation of Ben Stein on valium. They said very little and just walked away.

There wasn't even that vibe they had last time of acting like they were giving a new toy to a brat. If I could put it to words, the way they acted was just pure defeat. The Subaru got resold later for $400 since that was the best we could get for it with the blown head gasket. And that money was put into my savings.

That's only one half of what happened though. You see, when I said I did better in school than my brother, I wasn't kidding. My brother got a 30% scholarship after he finished high school. Well I got a 50% one. Not at the same college of course. But at one comparably good that was also closer. To say my parents were shocked is an understatement.

Of course they just both looked unhappy as soon as the shock wore off. I decided it wouldn't be a good idea to poke the bear by asking them about it. But my grandma thought otherwise and poked that bear. And I mean REALLY poked it! First she asked if my parents were happy for me. And they claimed they were. But really didn't show in their attitudes.

So my grandparents finally asked what their problem was. Why do they dislike me? Their second son was doing great, and even went above expectations. And they can't be happy about it? Did they want me to fail? Were they hoping I'd fail. What is the deal? My mother looked really upset, and my father couldn't look me in the eyes. They both meekly said they were happy for me.

And managed to say they want me to take the world by storm when I go to college. And even said they'll help pay some of my tuition as well, just like they are for my brother. My grandparents both sharply said that they better keep their word, because there should never have been any favoritism, period.

I thanked my parents for their help. Got a light if not limp handshake from my father, and a very stiff hug from my mother. It all felt so forced. I was and still am extremely thankful for the car and the tuition. But my parents just drained the room of all emotion.

I ended up asking if my grandparents knew what it was that made my parents act this way. I asked if I was an accidental pregnancy or something. And they gave me the "Its time we told you" look. Well I'm not adopted like so many asked, but I was unplanned. Sort of.... You see, my parents wanted both a girl and a boy. But got two boys instead.

My brother came out as a boy, so my parents were really hoping to get a girl on the next go. And they had a prior agreement to stop after two kids. They never got a girl. My grandma told me they refused to find out my gender till after I was born. They were convinced I'd be born female. And they'd bought a lot of baby stuff for a girl. And they didn't get a girl.

My grandma said I ended up using all of my brother's hand-me-downs till I was three years old because my parents had bought so much girl stuff in advance that they couldn't use. So I was just a disappointment to them from the time I was born. My grandparents said that they know my parents are screwed up. But they've been the way they are for so long now that there's no point in expecting them to change.

Since then my parents hadn't spoken to me much about college. In fact they ignore the subject as much as they can. And thanks to some of the warnings I got from people who messaged me making me paranoid, I called the college I've been accepted to.

I made sure to tell them that if anyone calls or emails pretending to be me, or my parents call trying to say I'm not coming, then to call me for a double or even triple check if anything like that happens. I mean, I kind of doubt my parents would do that sort of thing. Especially after everything that's happened. But I felt like playing it safe was the better option.

Though there was something that I really didn't expect to happen. And that was my brother calling me. He called me out of the blue to talk. He said our grandparents called and told him everything. He told me he was sorry for what happened in his own way. And he hopes that once I'm on my own, I won't need to ever come back.

He actually admitted to me that when he finishes college, he's going to stay in the state he's in because he likes it there. Our parents I do know actually really want him to come back when he gets his degree. But it looks like that's not happening. I said I don't blame him, and I may do the same. The rest of the conversation was a bit awkward because we aren't really used to speaking to each other much anymore.

My grandparents and the rest of the family held a surprise party for me over the weekend. And they made it almost like a repeat of my brother's 18th birthday. There was a DJ, and a big chocolate cake my grandma made. I couldn't thank them all enough. My parents attended the party. But they were like wallflowers the entire time. They didn't say or do much.

Just stayed sitting at a far table in the corner and drank beer quietly. The look of defeat they had was even greater now. I think the party wasn't just to congratulate me, but to also rub in my parents' faces that they should have done better. Because the rest of the family have made their disappointment in them clear.

They seemed like they wanted to leave the party for a while. Can't say I blame them. They were being humiliated into staying where they were. My grandma said that you're never too old to be taught a lesson in humility. As for my personal life. My part time job went to full time after high school, and I've been working hard to build my savings before I leave for college. I made minimum wage, but a job is a job.

And I wanna leave it with my best effort put in before my two weeks notice are up. I doubt I'm gonna be coming back here to make another update. And after my first post I'm just so tired of all the negative comments. About 95% of the comments on my original post were positive. And I wanna thank all of those who had nice things to say. You people rock.

Then, TWO YEARS LATER, he recently posted this NEW UPDATE:

These past two years my brother and I have reconnected a bit. He found my post, and called me. He wasn't angry, just wanted to talk. He admitted to me that our parents put him through a lot as well. Our mother absolutely smothered him. Especially when I wasn't around. And our father was also quite strict with his expectations.

So the fact that I did better than my brother when our parents had invested everything into him just broke them. And now they're extra broken because my brother refused to come home with them.

The way our parents treated my brother is also the reason we stopped connecting as siblings until this past couple of years. He did bully me at times when we were growing up. But that's because being the favorite went to his head. But it was favoritism with strings attached. And when he realized that, he got counseling after moving out. My brother also has a girlfriend he met while in college.

He kept her a secret because he knew our parents wouldn't approve. And they didn't when they found out. Bro blew up at them when my mother referred to his girlfriend that she hadn't even met as a slut. Bro's girlfriend is in nursing school, and a year from graduation herself. And my brother says she's the best. I've never met her. But she sounds wonderful by how he's described her.

My grandma told me my mother went so far as to hire a private investigator to find out who my brother's girlfriend was. And was irritated to know that she was squeaky clean, and from a good family on the same side politically too. But in her mind, she was the reason my brother wasn't coming back. Even though bro made it clear he'd decided that before even meeting his girlfriend.

My father had basically become stoically silent about it from what I heard. But my mother let it slip to my brother that she'd hired a detective, and my brother gave our parents a piece of his mind. And this led to a whole argument about how they gave him everything, and he was ungrateful for not coming back.

But he called them out that being the favored child is abuse too. Because they nearly made him like them. It broke my parents to hear that. My brother told our grandparents, and they staged another family intervention. One I was even involved in through video call. My parents tried to not even pay attention to me. But even bro told them to talk to me. We all told them enough was enough.

They have two sons, and they needed to start treating us fairly. Because they let something as idiotic as not being born the gender they wanted to ruin their love for me from day one. (And pardon my language on this next part) My father hit his breaking point and yelled,

"You want us to admit we screwed up!? Well yeah! We did! What do you want us to do?! Time travel!? We're paying for part of OP's college too! What more does he want from us?!"

Things ended very poorly in that intervention. My mother cried that she was sorry to me. But even then I still didn't feel her heart was in it, because she didn't spend much time apologizing to me at all before moving on to my brother through the phone he was video calling from. And she spent a long time crying and apologizing to him. Until he told her to go back and actually apologize to me like she meant it.

That's when my father grabbed the phone and shut it off. Then he just sat down and told everyone to leave. The last thing my grandparents said to my parents was that they were so disappointed in them. and maybe losing both sons showed them they should never have favored one.

Right now my parents are not on speaking terms with the rest of the family. My grandma heard a rumor they may be planning to move. But they have a paid off country house, and great careers. I feel like they'd be fools to move. But since my brother isn't going back, and I'm likely not either, I suppose it's not really an issue.

I kinda doubt they'd welcome me in if I came to visit after the crap that went down. I am still thankful to them for helping to pay for my college. My student loans were significantly reduced thanks to them. But as parents, I think we can all agree they just didn't do a good job.