'My parents invited their swinger ‘friends’ on a family vacation and now I don’t want to go.' UPDATED 2X

"My parents invited their ‘friends’ on a family vacation and now I don’t want to go."

I’m not sure how to handle the situation at hand so I need advice. For context: My parents are swingers. I found out about them being swingers right after I graduated high school in 2016.

I’ve never really had an opinion on the matter until recently. I don’t care what they do behind closed doors, but I personally don’t want to see it in person. (I’m sure that makes me sound like a bad person. But I’ve always accepted them for who they are. It’s honestly just really weird to see my parents make out with other people when they’re around a group of people.)

Anyways, they are in a relationship with another couple, and have been with them for almost 2 years. They (being the other couple) just recently moved in with my parents because they lost their house and couldn’t find another place in time.

My parents kicked my sister, her fiancé, and their baby out of the basement in order to give their friends the space and put my sister, her fiancé and baby upstairs in one bedroom to share. Which is a small 12x12 room. The friends have also stated that they’re ‘another set of grandparents’ for my niece and call themselves grandma (insert name) and papa (insert name).

My sister and her fiancé are not comfortable with this but my parents and their friends don’t seem to care because ‘they’re all together as one.’ Now, onto the vacation. We were supposed to go on our first ever family vacation last year (October 2021) but it ended up getting pushed back to April of this year, due to costs, because of my wedding, which everyone was fine with.

It then got pushed back again, because my sister was in her third trimester of her pregnancy and couldn’t fly. It is now scheduled for February of 2023. My parents told my sister and I, along with our SO’s that they would be bringing their friends along on the vacation. And I’m frustrated about it to be honest.

With the way that they’ve been handling things with my sister and with all of their PDA, it’s made me not want to go anymore. It’s our first ever family vacation, like I’ve already mentioned, and I wanted it to be just family. I’m at a loss and I’m not sure how to handle the situation. And I/we don’t want to upset my parents about how I (and everyone else; my husband, sister and BIL) feel. Any advice?

EDIT: I’m married and do not live at home anymore. Although my sister, her fiancé, and baby do. They’re currently looking for places. We live in a state where cost of living is super high (like a lot of places right now). And with them only having one income it’s harder for them to find something. Hopefully that clears things up!

Edit #2: I didn’t expect this to get as much attention as it did. And I have read each comment and taken advice. So thank you. I’m fully aware that my parents are adults and can do what they want. I never once said that they couldn’t. And I never said I wasn’t against their relationship with this other couple (they refer to themselves as swingers, but yes, you could say they are in a polyamorous relationship).

The issue I have is how they shove it down everyone’s throats. I don’t care what they do in private, behind closed doors. But once I see the PDA and the other things they do to each other when other people are around, that’s where I get uncomfortable around the situation.

They have a calendar on the fridge that says what nights they will swap beds and sleep with the other person (ex; my mom and the other woman move between my dad and the other guy).

There are also times where they make sexual jokes about screwing each other, or randomly flash each other WHEN WE ARE AROUND. like, at least wait until people aren’t there do so those things. That’s the part I’m not okay with.

The internet had a lot to say in response.

DexterousStyles wrote:

Your parents sound incredibly demanding and childish. I wouldn't go at all, point blank. Tell em. Your parents strike me as the type of people who do shitty things, don't care about how anyone else feels and cover it all by saying nonsense like "I'm just living my best life." This is so bizarre by so many degrees.

OP replied:

It’s SO bizarre. I truly love my parents and I know it would hurt them if I tell them I’m not going. But it makes me so uncomfortable on so many levels to see them do things with another person. I think I’m just going to talk to them and if they decide they’re still taking them, I’ll tell them I’m not going. Thank you for your comment.

Captain-Tac wrote:

Yeah I'm all for alternative lifestyle and s#$t but you can't be doing that around your kids. Family time is for the family, not family plus f#$k buddies.

OP replied:

I'm all for supporting my parents as they have always been there for me. But like I’ve mentioned, I don’t want to see every single thing they do. A kiss here and there is fine, but to make out or make sex jokes about what they want to do to each other in from of me, is not cool. And that’s where I draw the line. Thanks for your comment!

A_herd_of_fluff wrote:

If I were you I’d invite them out somewhere for coffee or lunch or whatever without their friends. Explain that I appreciate that they see me as enough of an adult that they were able to be honest about their relationship with the other couple, but with that being said I’d hope that they can understand though how nobody wants to have their parents s#$ual relationships on display in front of them.

I’d tell them that I’m uncomfortable with this new couple and do not view them as family regardless of the relationship they currently have with them. The upcoming trip was to be a family vacation and in light of all that is going on it is no longer something that would be a fun trip with my family and I will no longer be joining them. Let them be upset. They’ve decided who they want to spend time with.

A month later, OP shared an update.

Hi everyone!! A few weeks ago, I made a post about my parents inviting their friends on a family vacation and said I’d give an update after I talked to my parents. Well, I did, and it didn’t go well…also sorry the update took so long, I’ve been struggling with the outcome really badly and I needed time to write it all out. So, onto the update…I brought up all of my feelings to my parents and they weren’t very happy.

They asked why I never brought it up, and I told them that it was because I was fine with everything, until I started seeing it, and that’s when it made me uncomfortable. Now they think I don’t accept them for who they are and they don’t really see an issue with inviting their friends or doing other things with their friends in front of everyone else around.

My mom basically said that what they do is none of my business, or anyone else’s, and they can do what they want. Which is true, they’re adults and CAN do what they want. But some of the things they do, should be in private settings, and not for others to see.

They also consider their girlfriend and boyfriend to be family, again which is fine, I know many people do, and since it’s a family vacation, so they’re still inviting them, regardless of how everyone feels about it. I just want to be with my parents for once without their friends being there, and having them be all over each other. They also see no issue with their friends calling themselves grandparents to my niece.

I got upset and told them my husband and I would not be attending the vacation and they could take someone else. And until they understand where I’m coming from, I would not be going around. So for the time being, my parents are being cut off. I’m very sad about the outcome, and it makes me sad that they would choose their friends over their own child. But to each their own I guess.

The comments kept coming.

IThinkNot87 wrote:

So so sorry your parents out you on this situation. It’s 100% ok they see these people as family. It makes it even more inappropriate that they do s#$ual things with family in front of their children though. “You don’t accept us” is a manipulative cop out and a way for them to still force you into their kink. It’s giving exhibitionist. That’s something you should never ever ever know about your parents.

Hopefully you and your sister both take a step back. Because the secondary sex partners calling themselves granny is disgusting given the parents have expressed discomfort. And you guys can take a vacation together and ultimately be a support to one another since your parents ain’t it.

bananapants_22 wrote:

I'm sorry about that. Did your siblings ever back you up?

OP responded:

Yes, my sister agrees with me. I’m not sure if she’s planning on going or not, so if she doesn’t, we might go on our own lil vacation!

MixWitch wrote:

Sorry for the misery of this situation, OP. You are making the right choice, even though it sucks. Also, don't let the kids around adults who enjoy exposing themselves to others without consent. That part along with the "grandparent" stuff is sinister.

I don't like the way they seem to get off on dominating others by stomping boundaries. It is subtle (ok not to me, but to people who haven't lived it) but it is there. Doesn't mean things will escalate, but people who get their kicks off controlling others usually do. And kids are so vulnerable.

Ok_Kangaroo708 wrote:

Yeah just because your parents are “dating” a couple does not make them family. Also pushing on grandparent nicknames without their consent is weird af. My thought is does the other couple know what’s going on?

That their presence is bringing tension? That everyone is uncomfortable with the PDA and overstepping? If not I feel like they should be informed. You are all adults and there are nice ways to bring it up. Your parents are totally in the wrong, gaslighting and manipulating.

If they want to choose another couple over their own children, that’s on them. It’s honestly not worth it to deal with that. I’ve seen successful poly relationships with children, and this isn’t that. I suggest bringing up a vacation with your sis and bil, and not inviting your parents. I’m sure it would be much better.

Over two years later, OP shared another major update.

I cut my parents out of my life and now my dad might be dying. Idk what to do.

Hi everyone. I (27F) just came here for advice maybe? I don’t really know. I just needed a place to talk about this. There’s a ton of backstory, so I’ll try to explain it as much as I can, and hopefully it doesn’t get too confusing.

(I also have another post regarding the subject from a couple of years ago, so maybe this is also kind of an update post!) My parents are in an open/polyamorous marriage. They started out as swingers when I was 7, and a few years ago they met another couple and decided to just be with them, which is fine.

I am happy that they are happy, however, when the other couple (we will call them D and T) came into my parent’s life, my parents changed, they became very toxic/controlling and just all around not fun to be around. They don’t take anyone’s feelings into consideration and force their other partners into our lives, which over the last couple years, I have decided I don’t want to be around D&T.

On multiple occasions, they were all inappropriate in front of us (my sister/her family and my husband and I), and it was just really uncomfortable in a lot of ways. They (my parents) kicked my sister and her family out of their basement apartment and moved them to a small bedroom upstairs in their house, so they could move their other partners into their house.

My niece was also only 2 months at this time. From there, things have just gotten worse. D&T refer to themselves as my second parents and as grandparents to my son and my niece. Which I have asked them not to do, since I barely know them. My parents have chosen their other partners over my sister/her family, and myself and my family many times.

My sister had to move last year and my sister asked my mom if she could watch my niece since it was raining/snowing outside. And my mom said no because they were ‘going to spend the night playing Mario kart and didn’t want distractions.’

When I told them I was pregnant the VERY first thing my dad said to me was ‘Can we tell D&T?’ And I said no. After my son was born I went to my parents house for a short 30 minute visit and as soon as I got there my dad texted D to tell her I was there.

So she and T came upstairs. My mom was holding my baby (8 weeks at the time) and when D&T came up, she handed my son to D WITHOUT ASKING ME. I was so upset. (I want to clarify I would have been upset if anyone just handed my baby to someone without asking me, I wasn’t upset just because of the person. You should never hold a baby without permission from the parent!!)

I had a very intimate religious ceremony (similar to a christening) where we only wanted family and our close friends. I invited my parents, and they asked if they could bring D&T and I said no because it was for family and close friends…so they decided not to come.

They decided not to come to a FAMILY event because I didn’t want their other partners there (which they consider family and I do not, which I have clearly tried telling them over YEARS of them being with D&T) because this event was for my son, I decided they weren’t going to pull any more stunts.

They weren’t going to choose them over me and my family anymore. So, I cut them out. I told them that I’m happy that they’re happy and because I know they love them, I wasn’t going to make them choose between us.

I told them I wasn’t done being hurt and I needed time away from them. I haven’t seen or spoken to my parents since April of 2024. I have tried telling my parents about my boundaries MANY times but they don’t listen and they just want us all to be ‘one big happy family.’ Which my sister and I (and our partners) don’t want. We both just want to be around our parents.

Anyways, I got a text from my mom yesterday, saying my dad was just diagnosed with Heart Failure. And I have so many emotions. I’m angry, and I am also sad. My heart hurts. I don’t know what to do. Part of me is wants a better relationship with my parents., as long as my boundaries are followed, but another part of me has never been happier/felt more at peace these last 9 months.

I just don’t want to have my dad pass and regret not letting him have a relationship with myself or my son. I just hate getting hurt by my parents all the time. I am in therapy and have been working through everything for a while, but it’s still so hard. Any advice is appreciated and I will try to answer any questions anyone has. Thank you for taking the time to read this and I’m sorry if it’s confusing!

EDIT: I want to say: my parents have been with other couples that I have LOVED. It wasn’t until D&T that I had an issue, and it’s because of the actions that they have done that have pushed me away.

I am happy that my parents are happy, but I shouldn’t have to put myself in an uncomfortable position to make other people happy. So I ultimately decided to keep distance in order to make my mental health better.

The internet did not hold back one bit.

SnooWords4839 wrote:

This is something you need to decide. They are only reaching out because of his condition, not because they want to be better parents. They already chose D & T over your son. Your son doesn't need to see them. You can go alone and see what is really going on. They want to guilt you into forgiving them. They haven't tried to apologize.

OP responded:

That’s how I feel. I feel like they’re pressuring me to see them when I’m not ready. My mom texted me a couple months back saying ‘How long are you going to stay away from us? Are we still toxic?’

And I feel like they’re blaming me for not seeing them when I voiced my boundaries countless times and they chose to ignore them. I know it’s not on me, but they’re making me feel like shit because I want to protect myself and my son from being hurt.

mcindy28 wrote:

You'll never have the relationship you want with your parents as it's clear they are selfish and will always include their partners. Don't feel guilty, they have never put you first.

OP responded:

Thank you! I needed to hear ‘don’t feel guilty.’ This whole situation has taken a toll on me for YEARS. I just learned I need to do what’s best for me and my little family.