'My parents sent me an apology letter after I cut them off...it wasn’t what I expected.'

"My parents sent me an apology letter after I cut them off….it wasn’t what I expected."

I (28M) cut off my parents almost a year ago after years of manipulating and controlling behavior. I was homeschooled and my parents were incredibly strict about what I read, watched, etc. They would mark out books if it made them uncomfortable and even put “accountability software” on my phone to track any texts or emails I got when I got my first phone at 19.

They even dragged my sister when she’d have a tantrum to her room and force her to stay in her room while tantruming by forcing the doors shut while she banged on her door. I also have ulcerative colitis and it was so bad I had to have my colon removed at 18 and thus fell behind on schoolwork and such while in bed.

My parents called me lazy and not wanting to do my schoolwork bc I laid in bed with severe stomach pain and restricted my diet where I was barely getting proper nutrition. I somehow managed to gain an online community mostly without the knowledge of my parents because they think anything online ruins people and they don’t trust it.

I even met my first girlfriend through this community, but she broke things off because she saw how crazy my parents were and couldn’t take it. I eventually met my wife and eloped with her without telling my parents until after we were together. My parents have expressed how they think she has caused much harm to me.

This kind of sets the stage for present day. When I cut off contact with them, I told them that I would greatly appreciate an apology for everything they had done. On Christmas Eve, I got a card from my parents that was essentially a letter. In it, they expressed how they truly thought they did their best at parenting and still don’t think they’ve done anything wrong in how they parented me and my sibling.

Not only that, they blamed my ex for how I am now and that they don’t think they have ever hurt my wife. This really hurt because I had spent four years after being married trying to reconcile and telling them why they had hurt me, and I finally just got fed up because they wouldn’t and couldn’t understand.

All this is eating me up because I was hoping that that letter would actually be an apology, but no. All it was was just them justifying their parenting, blaming and deflecting blame onto me and my wife and ex. Anything BUT apologize. Not only that, they say they still don’t know why I have been hurt by them. I’m coming to the realization that I’ll never get a reconciliation with my parents and it hurts.

Here's what people had to say to OP:

angeltt wrote:

In all honesty I feel the intentions of their "letter" did exactly what they wanted it to do, to make you feel guilty, to shift the blame and twist the narrative to their control. You say you have a wife and have been a year free from them, well they don't deserve to intrude on your life like that card, rip it up, burn it, send it back in the original envelope "return to sender."

Do not give them the power to put you back in the position emotionally you were in previously. Get on with your life, enjoy being married and get some professional help to work through any remaining issues because it'll be a long road ahead to self love and acceptance.

I was ab'd in every way possible from very early till my mid 20's, its taken me 20 years to get to where I am now and sometimes in the darkness of my mind I do still wonder if things could've been different or if they could've apologized for what they, did but I know they just weren't/aren't capable of it, neither of my DNA donors. They don't deserve to be my parents and they don't deserve to be in my life.

OP responded:

I greatly appreciate that. We’ve been married five years and have two amazing girls. I couldn’t imagine treating them like my parents. It feels like being used just so they can see the kids. But, you’re so right. I’m so sorry you went through what you did, but I’m glad you’ve had the time to become your own person that you were meant to be.

getahaircuthippy wrote:

Toxic parents to this extent never can admit accountability. The best thing is to distance and never be like them.

OP responded:

Yeah that’s what I’m finding out. At least I’m showing I can thrive despite what they said I couldn’t do.

Infammo wrote:

"I was hoping that that letter would actually be an apology, but no."

It never happens. Ever. The worst part about growing up with abusive parents is torturing yourself with the idea that their big show of contrition and acknowledgement will appear.

If not an apology then maybe some situation where their misbehavior is so self evident they won't be able to make excuses for it and you can confront them without denials. That moment doesn't and never will exist for the simple fact that they will reject it no matter what.

Who they've been to you growing up is who they are on a fundamental level.

There is never going to be a corner they're going to turn for a relationship with you, so don't waste time saving any of yourself for that day.

OP responded:

Unfortunately you’re right. My optimist self plus stuff still built in from stuff tortures me at crazy times hoping it will happen. I just need to get around to helping myself get to the acceptance stage. Honestly, I’ve probably ignored it.

Tight-Mushroom-167 wrote:

Sorry, some people were never meant to be parents. I would suggest going to therapy and redirecting the energy you've spent on them towards you and your wife. Going no contact or putting in hard boundaries takes a lot of work. I would suggest writing how you feel and all the things they did wrong to help make yourself remember when you feel yourself wanting more from them.

OP responded:

Definitely a good idea. I appreciate that perspective.

marmenoir wrote:

The hardest thing to do is accept that they will never be what you need/want as parents. What might help is just acknowledging they are who they are and will never change.

Now it's up to you to decide whether to keep hoping they'll change or accept that this is exactly what/who they'll always be because they don't want to be better. The act of acceptance is so you can move on and heal the wounds they've left.

OP responded:

Yeah. As an optimist, it feels hard to accept, but you’re right. I know it is the best for my family. And I’m definitely keeping NC, but goodness. There’s times it’s tougher than it would seemed.

little_season3410 wrote:

Toxic people very rarely change. I cut my mother off nearly 21 years ago. She still hasn't apologized and swears she was a good mother. Good mothers generally don't slam their child's head into drywall so hard it leaves a hole. That was just one of many things she did.

She still sends memes and quotes saying she's changed and I wouldn't recognize her anymore but at the end of the day, her failure to respect my boundaries of not contacting me shows me that she hasn't changed. You have a new family now- one you made with your wife. Keep growing that family- find friends who can become family, have kids if you guys want them, etc.

You do not have to be in contact with your birth family to have a family. And you do not have to be in contact with anyone if they harm your mental health, regardless of the blood you share. From one former abused kid to another- you've got this.

OP responded:

I appreciate that and am so sorry for what you’ve gone through. I can’t get over the parents who believe that being estranged from their kids shows how messed up our generation is (ironic) to just pass off responsibility. I’m so glad my wife’s family is accepting and I have family there which comforts me when it comes to my kids because I know they have family that isn’t my family. You’ve got this too.

JAMESt3R9 wrote:

OP - you were mistreated, deeply. And enduring that for the niumber of years you lived with them and for their approval conditioned you mentally - which is causing why your angst/anxiety/negative feelings eat you up so much. At this point they have told you who they are and it is extremely difficult for a person to change.

Your parents are locked into their worldview and do not feel sorry AND INSTEAD are blaming your feelings on you by saying things like they believe they did their best. Parents should do their best and will fail sometimes but it is how they encounter failure that matters - they cannot see that what they did was not the right approach for you as a child and NEVER course corrected to support you appropriately.

I recommend finding a counselor skilled in abuse, cults, and ptsd. Look for one that knows how to do a thing called EMDR therapy. The process can be lengthy and the Odyssey very difficult but the life you can build at the other end is worth it.

The good news is you are now independent. You have choices. Relationships between parents and adult children are supposed to be a choice about how one each shares their life with the other because now both of you have the capacity to modify or end the relationship.

The parent’s role and obligation to an adult child is very different than to an actual baby/child/tween/teen/proto-human. The parental recognition AND embrace of the child’s age appropriate agency is the key. I could ramble for a while more but I am going to put my soap box away now. Good luck OP!

OP responded:

It’s crazy how much I look and see my negative emotions are truly influenced by even the smallest things they told me. Things such as I’d never be able to be a parent and take care of kids. However, here I am, a stay at home parent and thriving. It’s amazing how much I learned about myself in these years.

PeaksOwl wrote:

You do understand that your parents are awful people and do not like you? Not love. They don’t even like you. You have your family now. With your wife. The way your parents talks about your wife- you’re not offended??? Your wife is the only real person in your corner. Protect her before your parents mess up this relationship as well, because you cannot cut them out of your life. Also- therapy.

OP responded:

Oh I’m extremely offended how they talked about and to her. One thing included how crazy she was to use canned cranberry sauce instead of making it from scratch for Christmas dinner. Truly keeps me going knowing she doesn’t put up with that crap now.