'My partner of 10+ years admitted he never loved me and was waiting out my fertile years.'
"My partner of 10+ years admitted he never loved me and was waiting out my fertile years."
Buckle up cause this is long and wild. I’m 36F. I met my now ex fiancé in grad school in our mid-20s, but we grew up together in a lot of ways. First time sharing an apartment with someone, first adult jobs, moving cities, and getting engaged. He has a PhD in psychology, which I used to think made him more in tune with emotions, and I was so proud to be with someone like that.
Now I feel sick realizing how much he used it to his advantage. I wanted kids and was open about it from the beginning. He said he did too, but not yet. It was always some excuse. We’re too busy with our dissertations; we just started new jobs. We should wait until we’re more financially stable, maybe after I get this promotion, maybe after we buy a house.
There was, I thought, a valid reason to push it 6 months, a year, which then became 2 years. I turned 36 not too long ago. We were planning on going out for my birthday and got into a dumb argument about where to eat. It really was so stupid, but we kept going back and forth for 5-ish minutes. Finally, I said, “It’s my birthday; can we just go where I want?”
Out of nowhere, his face and tone went cold, and he said, “I can’t take you anymore.” I actually laughed at first because of how dramatic and random it was. Then he said, very calmly, that he doesn’t love me, that he doesn’t even like me, and he never has. I honestly thought he was only trying to hurt me in the moment in some sick way, but he kept going. He said he stayed with me because it was convenient.
That he knew how badly I wanted kids and that if he dragged things out for long enough, I wouldn’t have time to have them with someone else. He was talking about it almost like I was some case study to him. He said he didn’t want kids, but he also didn’t want me to have them with someone else, so he waited it out. I feel physically sick typing this.
10 years of my life wasted. Becoming part of his family, an engagement, talking about baby names. And then for him to say the whole time, he was just trying to run out my fertility. Perhaps the worst part is, looking back, I can see all of the little mind games and red flags now. He’d tell me I was overreacting whenever I was upset.
He’d say that I was projecting because of my own family issues, or it was my “anxiety” talking when I dared to question why we weren’t moving forward. He always made himself out to be some rational expert and made me constantly doubt my instincts. I got the hell out and moved into a new place two weeks ago.
I didn’t tell many people the address at all, but since then, I’ve been sent weird letters with no return address a couple of times. Not exactly threatening, just… unsettling? One said, “I hope you’re reflecting.” Another had a pair of baby socks in it. No note, just the socks. I’ve also gotten random gifts, a book about “emotional resilience," and a blank candle that smells like one we had.
Again, no sender. It’s probably him; it sure feels like it. Maybe it’s him wanting to feel like he still has some kind of psychological hold over me. I feel not only heartbroken but also so violated. As if my reality for a decade wasn’t real, like my body and mind were used in some experiment. I’m scared too.
Not in an immediate physical danger kind of way (at least I don’t think so), but in a wondering-what-he-is-capable-of type of way. If he could casually admit that he stayed with me to sabotage me becoming a mom, what else can he possibly justify?
I keep replaying my past birthdays in my head. All of the times I said maybe next year we would start trying. I feel grief for kids that don’t even, and may never, exist because I don’t think I can trust or get close to anyone again.
Idk why I’m posting this. Maybe to feel less crazy or to remind myself that none of this is even close to normal. If anyone has been through an ordeal with someone who weaponized language or psychological tactics against you, I’d really like to hear how you got your sense of reality back. Right now, I feel like I can’t even count on my own mind anymore.
Here's what people had to say to OP:
ConditionsNo7451 wrote:
You do recognize you were with a literal psychopath, right? You need to go. Get away. This is scary. He’s still fixated on ruining your life.
OP responded:
I did, I moved out I mentioned that in the post. But I’m just trying to figure out how to proceed with healing and if there’s anything I should do legally like an order of protection since he’s leaving letters and gifts at my new place.
evdrmr wrote:
This is extremely unsettling...
How the hell did he know your new address? Please install cameras or some kind of safe guard. Let your family know what's going on. I fear for you.
OP responded:
I think he had an airtag in my car or with my stuff, I didn’t find anything but that seems like the only explanation. I’m not in contact with most of my family, and a lot of the friends I have are mutual with him. But I’ve told whoever I can. Cameras next step!
Logical_Phone_2321 wrote:
My dad told me I didn't need to be married to have kids. If you get to a safe space and settled, consider artificial insemination or adoption/fostering.
Also, every person i knew who studied psych usually were trying to figure out something about themselves. He knows he's f*cked in the head.
OP responded:
Thank you🤍 I’m glad I got out before marriage, at least there’s nothing legally binding me to him.
thejaysta4 wrote:
He found out your new address somehow so check your car for tracking devices. You really need to move again so he doesn’t know where you live. He could be REALLY dangerous! Imd be temped to change jobs and move to a new city. This guy is a f**king maniac!
Select_Emu1930 wrote:
I’m sure you’ve already left him. Now, if I were you, I would put all my focus and energy into myself. I’m sure you already did that before, but things are different now. You’ve been betrayed in a way sooo deep and intense, the only thing you can do is hold yourself while you move forward in life.
You’ve got a good head on your shoulders, you’re smart and loyal. As far as it goes with feeling violated, I would do what I can to get some help on that, mentally. That’s a lot for someone to go through. You deserve the help.
It actually makes me so sad that this all happened on your birthday :((( you deserve sooooooo much, and I genuinely hope you receive everything you've ever wanted in the future. You deserve it.
Select_Em340 wrote:
I’m sure you’ve already left him. Now, if I were you, I would put all my focus and energy into myself. I’m sure you already did that before, but things are different now. You’ve been betrayed in a way sooo deep and intense, the only thing you can do is hold yourself while you move forward in life.
You’ve got a good head on your shoulders, you’re smart and loyal. As far as it goes with feeling violated, I would do what I can to get some help on that, mentally.
That’s a lot for someone to go through. You deserve the help. It actually makes me so sad that this all happened on your birthday :((( you deserve sooooooo much, and I genuinely hope you receive everything you e ever wanted in the future. You deserve it.
JustLeannan wrote:
In your area is going to be a bureau or committee or advisory board for mental health professionals. You can (and should) report any behavior from him that can somehow be traced back to him. If he did it to you, he will do it to others. If he did it to someone he was WITH that long, he is mishandling patients.
When you get anything more, take pictures of it as it landed/was delivered, and bag it with a ziplock and write the date and time on the outside. Call the police. Make a trail of proof. Protect thyself, always...but also protect others if you can.
Ok-Hat-1920 wrote:
This man is a textbook sociopath. First step is getting away from him. Second step, collect evidence to get a restraining order. Conveniently, he is giving it to you. Everything he leaves or sends is potential evidence.