'My partner gave me an ultimatum: him or my birds. Idk what to do?'

"My (F28) partner (M28) gave me an ultimatum: him or my birds. Idk what to do?"

Hi everyone, I could really use some outside perspective. I (F28) have been in a relationship with my partner (M28) for about 3 years. I love him a lot and I genuinely imagined a future with him. We moved in together fairly quickly and have been inseparable since.

The problem is my budgies (small parrots). A year ago we decided to get pets (I really wanted cats but he was averse due to all the hair) and he thought birds would be really cool.

I had budgies as a child and and knew how to take care of them so we decided to get those instead. It has been a tough start - I’ve cared for them through illness, vet visits, special diets etc. (budgies had an acute Trichomonas infection as well as Avian Gastric Yeast when we first got them).

One of them (Gutsy) has acquired health issues recently (broke her beak) and requires special food and regular check-ups every 2-3 weeks with an avian vet. I am paying and taking care of everything, food, toys, vet, meds etc. My bf has never really bonded with them. He told me he feels uncomfortable in our living room because the birds are there and they make noise when he plays guitar etc.

He says he “gets nothing out of them” emotionally and that they only stress him. He imagined them to be like in those instagram and YouTube shorts where they fly to and hang out w you. They are somewhat tame (they jump on the hand when they can snacks and they can be pet as well) but not to the degree he expected.

We had a long discussion yesterday and it ended with him basically saying either I rehome the birds or we end the relationship. What makes this harder is that he also told me he cannot promise the relationship will work long-term even if I give them up, because we’ve had some conflicts recently and he’s unsure about the future.

I tried to propose compromises. For example, I even suggested renting a small second apartment (which I might have access to through a friend’s family) and keeping the birds there as well as turning it into my “office” (I work from home most of the time).

That way he wouldn’t have to live with them. But he said that would be “a step backwards” bc it would feel like I was moving out and he doesn’t want that either, bc it just feels like a slow breakup.

The thing is: If I give up the birds and the relationship still ends later, I would feel horrible about myself for abandoning animals that depend on me. I don’t know if I would be able to forgive myself. I was thinking of going back to school to become a vet, my love for animals runs very deep.

But at the same time I love him deeply and the thought of losing the relationship hurts a lot too. I would lose everything - him, the future we might have had, my home; I’d have to restart from 0.

So I feel like I’m choosing between the person I love and the animals I feel responsible for, and I don’t know what to do. Has anyone been in a situation like this? How do you even make a decision like this?

Here's what people had to say to OP:

Ok_Introduction9466 wrote:

Never choose a man over pets for the reason you said in the post. The relationship is already showing signs it won’t work. You’ll be out of birds and single. I have a strong suspicion he would’ve done this no matter what animal you chose as pets.

Having a man isn’t this deep and if he actually loved you he’d compromise. If a dude can convince you to get rid of pets for him there’s no telling what other boundaries he’d push. Get rid of him.

few-ground-9015 wrote:

When someone issues an ultimatum to achieve an outcome, it's really toxic. This means he'll use ultimatums in the future as well. It might be a different story if he had a truly valid reason for this, but he even turned down your compromise.

The ultimatum, combined with the fact that all of a sudden he's not sure about the future, makes me say call him on the ultimatum- keep the birds and you choose to be rid of him.

orangepeeels wrote:

Do you like the budgies? I can't tell from the post. IMO it's kinda a bad sign that he wanted the budgies in the first place and now is the one to give up when it's not all sunshine and roses. getting a pet is a serious commitment that lasts the animal's lifetime and he's willing to toss that aside because...sometimes they sing along with his guitar?

Because they were more work and less docile than he imagined? If it were me I would take this as a predictor of how he'll handle other things later in y'all's life together. If you want to have kids someday, it's even more a predictor of how he'll handle parenthood

brandideer wrote:

Hey friend. I'm gonna be super gentle when I say this because you seem lovely and are the same age as my baby sister. This man is breaking up with you. The birds are an ultimatum he knows you're too good of a person to abandon, and just in case, he's given himself a back door by telling you he's leaving no matter what.

You deserve much better than this. You sound like a great partner who is willing to sacrifice and compromise to make your partner happy. If you've got access to that apartment, you should take it.

EmpiricalMystic wrote:

Let me get this straight. He wanted birds, but didn't take any time to learn about them, bond with them, or train them, and when they didn't immediately treat him like a Disney princess he decided he didn't like them. Is that about right? Not only is he immature and irresponsible, he seems to be rather dim as well. Keep your birds. You can do better than this numpty.

sad-quality-1921 wrote:

Listen...really ask yourself: Would the person I DREAM of marrying some day ever ask me to give away the birds I love?OF COURSE NOT! 28 is young. A better person is out there and worth waiting for. I got divorced at 28 to someone who was not an animal lover. He refused to drive me and my bird the vet during an emergency. She later died in my hands.

Compare it to the boyfriend I dated after: He said my love of animals is one of the things he loved about me the most. We adopted 3 cats, and fostered! I was thinking about getting a gecko, but I was worried about the cats. He suggested we set it up in our bathroom (we didn't end up getting one). The point is...when someone loves you, they show care for what you love.

This is a mismatch! I promise you from the other side (38 and remarried now), it's not worth giving up the things that make YOU. It's not worth chipping away at small parts of yourself for someone else. And your birds sound amazing. One day you'll thank them for breaking the two of you up so you could eventually meet the right one.