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'My partner wants to name our child after his late mother. That makes me want to leave him.' UPDATED 2X

'My partner wants to name our child after his late mother. That makes me want to leave him.' UPDATED 2X

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At bare minimum, you should be able to agree with your partner on what you want to name your kid.

"My partner wants to name our child after his recently deceased mother and I want to leave him because of it."

My partner lost his mother in March. Suddenly. She took her breathing tube out of her nose to blow it and because she was half asleep she forgot to put it back on and she drifted away. When she was found it was too late.

It was peaceful and honestly is the way I would want to go...with nothing but peace and comfort. I found out I was pregnant 7 months prior. We had a name picked out. After her passing however he has decided to take it upon himself to change our child's name to her name.

You know when a person gives a name such a bad taste in your mouth?? That's what she did to this name. She wasn't a horrible person per say but she wasn't the best. She had moments where she was wonderful but most of the time she was...and please don't take this the wrong way because I hate to talk so about the deceased...but she was a monster in law.

She wouldn't take care of herself, she would get taken to hospital (get attention from her children), get back into good health, get sent home and when things returned to normal and the attention would suffice she would do it all over again. She needed her children's sole attention...always.

She needed to feel important, wanted, needed. It made me feel bad and honestly broke my heart that she felt she needed to do this all the time to get any attention. Now she is gone and as much as I loved her and miss her (and believe me I do)... I do not want that name associated with our child. I don't want to think about her every time I talk to our child.

I don't want the stigma I have towards that name forced onto our child. We have actually argued over it. I have tried to compromise by making it a middle name. I have tried to add a name to it so it's one whole name but he won't budge. I have told him we have a name already. He won't budge. I'm at a point where I want to leave him because it's being forced onto me and I don't want it.

I want our child to have a name that is nothing to do with anyone we know. Our son has his step dads name as a middle name. Our daughter has his grandma's name as a middle name and our oldest has his step dads mother's name as a first name. I want this child to have something simplistic and beautiful. I don't want to be reminded of someone who was so toxic to herself it ate away at others.

Can someone give me some advice on what I can do? Please I am at a loss. I honestly don't want to do this with him anymore because of how he is acting. I caved with every other child but this name I cannot and will not cave on. I love the name that was already chosen.

Not long after posting her quandary, OP shared an update.

Edit: I am not a doormat. I find it rather cruel a few of you have said that. I agreed on our other children's names BEFORE THEY WERE BORN!! I need advice on how to handle this without breaking his heart and being respectful and tactful but also showing him this isn't a good idea.

Also I did love his mother...she was a very damaged individual and made it hard to love her but I still did. I respected her and cared for her deeply. I find it horrible that's even being questioned. She did bad things but that didn't make her a bad person just a lonely sad person who made mistakes.

As for people saying if a name is a reason to separate then you are a problem. It's not that at all. It's the fact that we had a name already chosen and he has now in the midst of grief changed it to a name that was never ever discussed and I feel like I have zero say. It may be hormones prompting this. I want him to heal, I want to heal.

Even his sister thinks it's a bad idea. I have him in grief counseling and she wants to help me with this. We will go together and apart. I will do all I can to stand by him during this process. I will not talk about the name any further with him until he has had some time to come to terms with things. I will continue on with our plans to name her what was originally agreed upon. Thank you guys.

Commenters had a lot to say in response.

Accomplished_ways777 wrote:

Your husband needs help as of yesterday. 😳 Naming your kid after your recently deceased parent against your spouse's wishes is NOT the way to cope with their death. Let him know that. If he feels the need to honour her, he can do it in so many other ways, but defying you is the worst way. take him to therapy.

OP responded:

I have him scheduled with a grief counselor that was given to me by the funeral home...she works with the funeral home to help families. We will be going together and separately. She is aware of the situation and she agrees it's not sound of mind behavior and she is going to intervene in a healthy non attacking way to help him understand this is not a good idea.

Inevitable_Bet-4834 wrote:

I wouldn't accept that either. Him wanting to name her that even tho your mil mistreated you and emotionally ab#sed her own kids is a red flag in itself. And like others have said names require both parents to consent.

I think names should require a mother's consent only and second to that for a loving relationship names both parents should be on board with the name. I don't mean legally. I just mean ethically. I'm not an American. Idk American laws. I meant in terms of ethics.

murphy2345678 wrote:

Ask someone else to be at the hospital with you. Then name the baby whatever you want. If you let him come he will force you to name the baby what he wants. You have let him force you to do it before. Why don’t you stand up and finally stop his controlling behavior?

OP responded:

I'm not a confrontational person. We also shared the naming of our others. This one he is forcing and I don't want it. I was able to allow him to have what he wanted and give our children names that were perfect for us both. I do not want this name he has chosen. I don't want to have the name for her especially since I don't want the stigma along with the name. She deserves better.

LucysFiesole wrote:

Don't cave! I had a very similar situation before my son was born. "Had" to name him after a disrespectful father in law. Argued for weeks. My cousin told me, "don't worry, eventually you'll stop associating that name with him, and eventually it will be only your son's name". EVERYONE was trying to convince me. Baby's born, doctor comes in and needs a name for the paperwork.

We're still arguing about it at the hospital. I caved. However I refused to call him that name for probably two months afterwards, at least. Now he's 21. I don't hate my son's name now, but I never did get over the pressure that was put on me after I already had a different name picked out. You stand your ground, you'll have to hear and say that name a LOT. Make sure it's one that gives you good vibes.

HawkeyeinDC wrote:

Hold on: he’s already claimed the middle names of HIS family members for your three other kids??? Am I reading this right???

OP responded:

We both agreed on them yes. He loves his grandmother she raised him and his sister. I never knew her but everyone who did said she was the sweetest soul. I was happy to give our child her middle name. Our son had his step fathers middle name he was a absolute peach and he took me on as his own child and I called him dad. I waited four years to name our son after him.

He has his middle name. Our daughter has his father's mothers name and I love the name. It was honestly a name we had previously chosen and the name once we found that it was a family name it was decided.

We have a name picked for this child but now he wants to completely change it and not compromise. I won't budge and neither will he so I'm just not going to talk or explain to him anymore. Our child will be named what we had originally agreed upon and nothing more.

A month later, OP shared an update.

Hello guys I know it's been a month but I wanted to update you guys on the situation since I made my last post. Little backstory if you didn't know my situation. Partner decided to change our daughters name without talking to me about it after his mother's recent passing without even accepting a compromise and I contemplated leaving him.

Well guys a big flip to our story. This whole time it's been confirmed a girl until two weeks ago... We are having a little boy. Every ultrasound has been wrong. We went to my final appointment and the high risk doctor confirmed we all have a little boy due in two weeks.

It broke my heart to see him shut down in the office. He actually left my appointment. He became distant so I sat down with him and we had a talk after our babies were sleeping. I'm going to give our son his mother's surname as a middle name. It cheered him up but I get it's not the same. Things have drastically calmed down since we got his mom's ashes back.

I bought him a beautiful necklace urn for fathers day which has his mother's picture and a beautiful quote on it. He can have a little piece of her with him forever...he doesn't know about it yet but I know he is going to love it. His therapy is going well as is mine and as is our daughters. We are all healing very well. We are stronger than ever. Thank you all for the advice good and bad.

The comments kept coming in.

ExtremeDemonUK wrote:

Its clear this poor chap was hugely grief stricken and was not thinking straight. Whatever the circumstances I’m glad things have calmed down. Sounds like he is getting help to deal with his wife and is very fortunate to have such a lovely caring wife

OP responded:

Thank you so much. We are nowhere out of the woods yet but we are trying to get through the issues at hand. As long as he is willing to fight to get mentally better I will fight with him. Being pregnant and dealing with this has been hard my emotions have been all over the place too with dealing with our kids and him and hormones and being in and out of the hospital.

It's been a battle but him being active in wanting help and doing what's necessary has calmed everything down immensely. I'm just glad to have a slither of him back and I'm sure with continued therapy I'll have the man I had come back to me.

With my own therapy too they have shown me that I wasn't 100% innocent in this and that me giving in with our other children was a big problem that didn't help with this issue and I take blame for that. I have been working to be able to not people please and it's gotten to where I have boundaries now which I never thought would make me so happy lol.

Photography_singer wrote:

I’m so glad he’s in therapy.

OP responded:

Me too I honestly thought he would fight me on it. I had to give him an ultimatum either go to therapy or leave until you heal. Each way is for the benefit of all of us. He agreed to therapy. He went...came home quite on his second visit he came home and I caught him crying. We spoke and he cried and apologized.

He's been to both a therapist and grief counselor and they help tremendously. We will continue them all together and I will back him as long as he continues to want to get better.

SecretMelodic wrote:

If you are okay with sharing, what is the quote?

OP responded:

You may not be here with me but you are in everything I do. 🥰

ADisappointingLife wrote:

A lot of guys will completely break down after their mother dies. Some never quite get over it. I remember my 70+ yo grandfather reading a poem he'd written for his mom as a child, and it's one of the few times I ever saw him cry.

I'm glad things have calmed down, but please make sure he continues seeing a therapist or someone who can help him with his grief, because it isn't just a one time flip-out if it festers.

OP responded:

He is seeing a therapist so am I and we are both doing couple counseling 🥰

Sources: Reddit
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