'AITA for making my partner pay rent on my property? He wants to be added to the mortgage.' UPDATED

"AITA my partner pays rent on my property?"

I (31F) own a property that me and partner (31M) and our baby daughter live in. We split all bills 50/50 even though he earns more, I also buy her clothes, pay her swimming lessons and all the bits I notice that she needs. He has lived here for 2.5 years and I have lived here 5 years. I moved out of my parents when I was 17 and I worked my a-- off to buy the place by myself 5 years ago.

I was paying rent and saving for a mortgage at the same time, it was hard work and took dedication as I did not get any financial help. He has asked to be added to the mortgage as he has been contributing here (monthly payments only), he says he is entitled to a share and his family have been doing research on that. I feel hurt that they would do that, it feels like I’m not sure if I can trust him or them now.

I haven’t had an easy journey to get to the security that I built for myself and I can be a bit over protective about that, especially now I have a child and inevitably I want to build her future too. I’m very careful not to put myself in vulnerable positions but now I feel I’m vulnerable. We have really disagreed on this, and he has moved out.

Morally I find it wrong that the father of my child, and his family would support him taking from me and his daughter. He said that would never happen, but why would they research it? And also, I’m not putting someone on the mortgage who does not have any actual investment to put down, it feels like he wants an easy ride to the property ladder. Am I wrong to be upset? Am I the AH?

The internet had a lot of comments and questions to add.

moosetracks4 wrote:

NTA. I think it's weird he was seemingly talking to his family about this before talking to you...the person on the mortgage...the owner of the home. If this was really about wanting his fair share, or wanting to invest for himself, he could've even suggested you guys start saving up to buy a place together vs him just being added to your property.

This was yours before the relationship, there's no reason he needs to demand to be on the mortgage.

celticmusebooks wrote:

So he moves out (and I assume stops contributing to you and his daughter) when he doesn't get his way. Had you put his name on the mortagage/deed he could literally take half of your house and force you to buy him out. He's LITERALLY proved to you that you're right to keep his name off of the deed.

If you're in the US it's usually not possible to add someone to the mortgage without refinancing the entire loan. What is your rate vs the current rate?

impossible_rain4727 wrote:

Info: Do you treat him like a renter when it comes to maintaining the property? Like, say the water heater needs to be replaced. You get hit with a bill for a few thousand. Are you eating that cost, or do you expect him to pay half? If there is an issue with the plumbing, pest control, or home repairs - are you the one paying and sorting those out?

OP responded:

Yes I pay for works and maintenance. He has built something in the living room which was his choice, and I haven’t heard the end of it, but perhaps I would owe him for that now. Not that it added value to the property.

OK_Snow_5320 wrote:

He isn't even providing for his kid or you and he wants what you have. You're not married. He seems like dead weight. He is trying to take what you have spent years working towards. Do not put him on the deed.

And make him pay at least 50% of his kids needs - you should not be gearing to fill financial and care brunt of this. Honestly, reassess this relationship. Sounds like you're already doing everything yourself and he just wants to take.

SoMuchMoreEagle wrote:

NTA It's not a good idea to co-own property with someone you aren't married to anyway. And you see why now. He can just walk away, and if you had put him on the deed, he'd be entitled to part of the property.

After receiving some feedback, OP shared two small updates.

UPDATE 1: He has said he wouldn’t expect half, but he would want back what he has put in. I explained that’s not how rent works. Even if we had an agreement where he would get it back, I’m more concerned about his morals of being okay with taking it from me when I have had his child and am providing a secure home.

UPDATED 2: Some people are saying about charging your partner rent is not very romantic. Can I ask you to consider the alternative…I work hard to buy a property by myself without any help, a man who has not done this gets to live for free and keeps his money. What’s your opinion on that? Is that fair?

The comments kept coming.

SDrain2020 wrote:

NTA-premarital property is for you only. The fact that he mentioned his family has been talking about this is no good. Best you can do is live separately or rent out your house and rent a place together. That sucks but it can be the only fair way to do it without him and his family getting their hands on your stuff.

Western-Shower9195 wrote:

I agree. The family researching his property rights? He is a tenant, no more. I’m afraid for you. Sounds like his family will be moving in with you very soon.

Once my husband and I purchased a home, his Mom thought it would be a good idea to have some irresponsible homeless family members move in with us. I made it clear to my husband this was a marital residence and if anyone moved in, I would be moving out.

Protect yourself. He’s not contributing to the childcare so he’s a tenant, nothing more. He could make you sell your home and give him half if things don’t go well. I had a tenant who began talking about how she was paying my mortgage with her rent money and part of my house should be hers now…Those are troubling words and I evicted her shortly after.

PartyDimension2692 wrote:

NTA. He wants an easy 'free' ride onto the property ladder. Owning a property isn't just the monthly payments, it's your deposit, getting the mortgage, insurance, doing all that paperwork and checks. You worked hard for this for yourself. Someone who has your back would see that and not want to take it away from you.

If he wants to own property, he can buy one or you can sell up and you both buy one together. If he wants a share of this one, you could get a legal agreement for him to compensate you for a stake in it. Just rent doesn't entitle him to it but that might depend on where you live. You can work on a legal solution but you are not obliged to. Particularly with how he is behaving.

ktdiggs wrote:

NTA.

This is a tough one. My (39F) now husband (41M) and I were in a similar situation. I had purchased my home in 2017, and he sold his home and moved in with me in July 2020, and we got married in August 2024.

Ever since he moved in we split bills 50/50, including my mortgage. Was he paying rent? Was he paying the mortgage? It gets kind of murky. You could say he paid all the other bills and you paid the mortgage, therefore he didn’t contribute to the mortgage, but in a way his contributions made it so you could pay just the mortgage.

Obviously this isn’t your exact situation, but it just gets hard to figure out who is contributing what. How do you figure out what’s fair, and what’s equitable? Before we got married we got a prenup and we really struggled on what to do with the house.

Yes technically it was a premarital asset, but if we said it was completely “mine”, then he felt like he shouldn’t contribute monetarily to the house. Which, I wanted lol. I wanted help with all these bills! However I wanted to protect my significant down payment (20%) and the three years of payments I made without him.

We ended up making an excel spreadsheet and I calculated how much I put into the house and how much he had. I then charted out how much we would each put in if we split the mortgage 50/50 until we paid off the loan. Ultimately we made a scale where every 5 years he would gain a higher % of “ownership” in the house.

At the end of the mortgage I think the split is me 60%, him 40%. Does the person who’s doing our will and estate plan think we’re crazy? Yes. I have not put him on the deed (but he’s also not on the loan either), but I did get a transfer on d--th deed for the house when he moved in, because if I died I did want him to remain in the home.

Long story short - my lawyer for the prenup asked if my husband had enough money to put a large amount of money towards the house, equal to what I had put in, to then make us “equal” on the mortgage. Technically he does, but we also have a 3.25% mortgage so it didn’t make sense for us to have him out a large amount down.

Perhaps it would help you both look at the math and see what you’ve each put into the house over the years and make a scale like my husband and I did. The one thing that’s different is you share a child though. I have a hard time grasping how couples with children split things 50/50. Kids add another layer of complexity.

After we got married my husband and I got a joint credit card that we put most shared expenses on (we pay it off each month, 50/50). And then we also created a joint account to pay bills that we can’t pay with a credit card. Until you have the house thing figured out do not pay your mortgage from a joint account, that could make it become community property.

I feel like you need to start splitting childcare expenses. This may have been too much info for you, but I do relate to you a lot! I hope you and your partner can work something out that makes sense to you (his family should butt out, but in a way they are trying to look out for him, but still, it’s not their business what you two do).