'My partner of two years is adamant I'm cheating on him. I am not. How do I handle this?' UPDATED 3X

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"My (41f) partner of 2 years (44m) is adamant i am cheating on him. I am not. Help?"

Just a bit of context: we've been together for two years. He has two kids, i have 1 kid, irrelevant to this story. We live apart (i bought a home a few months before we started dating) and are together only when our kids are with their other parent.

He's the guy that has treated me the best, of all my relationships and I love him dearly. I'm a chronically anxious and stressed person and he's absolutely my peace, but today he sucker-punched me with this:

He's absolutely convinced I'm cheating on him. The reason he suddenly started thinking this is because two days ago I wanted to show him something on my phone, there was an irrelevant tab opened (my Hotmail account that is full of spam. Had this account for the past 24 years but mostly use my Gmail). He saw, quickly in passing, that there was a folder with a man's name, let's say "James."

I don't remember the purpose of this folder, it's empty haven't touched it in 15 years, no idea why it exists. It was probably useful at some point but no idea.

Well now he's convinced that:

I closed the tab too quick

I was acting "weird " and "nervous" and "suspicious".

This means I've cheated or I am actively cheating.

That's his perspective. Now, on to the actual truth: I am absolutely not cheating on him, he's the man of my dreams, love of my life, I have never ever given him a reason to even suspect Im cheating. I spend one entire week with him at his place, never hid my phone, anything like that. When I'm at my house it means im with my kiddo and my time is 100% devoted to her. I also work a lot.

There is not a single second in my life where I would have time to devote to any other person, even through email. I spend my downtime at home being with kiddo and the cat, watching YouTube videos. I send him a lot of pictures of me chilling with my cat as well and we have a constant communication going (I'm very chatty through text).

Anyways, at first I was super pissed and also confused because why on earth would you not trust me?

What is happening? No matter what I say, he says I don't make any sense whatsoever and he's just adding 1+1 and to him, the answer is two.

I keep telling him that he's the one not making any sense. We're back and forth on the texting, he doesn't even want to speak over the phone or come over to talk about it. I've sent him numerous screenshots of my email with unopened emails that go back more than a year.

I've sent screenshots of me typing the keyword "James" in the email and nothing coming up, ive shown him the completely empty "Sent" folder (which to me is weird, I've sent numerous emails over the years, why is it empty?!?!) And I've also given him the login and password so he can look for himself.

I've accumulated a lot of junk in that email over the many years I've had it, but rarely use it now (it is just a receptacle of all my amazon orders, my McDonald's app receipts, and various spam emails). I'm pissed he doesn't trust me. He says he needs time to think. I'm stuck in a loop of pissed, confused and sad. What's going on? Help :(

The internet did not hold back one bit.

OliviaPresteign wrote:

Is this incredibly out of character for him, or has he always been a bit jealous and suspicious?

Could he be the one cheating and protecting?

OP responded:

This is wildly out of character. I am unsure if he would be projecting his own cheating, anything is possible, but I'd hope not. I don't believe so. He's high libido and we have s-x daily (when we're together, which is every other week) except when one of us is sick. I give him everything he needs in that department, and all the other departments as well. We take good care of each other typically.

Psydop wrote:

I can't help you if you won't tell the full story.

As an IT professional, tabs don't open themselves. If you had a Hotmail tab open, you've opened it more recently than the last 15 years, i doubt your phone is 15 years old.

Second, if it wasn't a big deal, why didn't you just pull it back up? And why did you have to make up a name for the message ("we'll say James"). If its not someone you know, then the name doesn't matter, and if it is, then why are you hiding it. I'm not sure what's exactly happening, but you're not being transparent, and your husband is being jealous.

And since you say you aren't cheating, let's be clear that emotional cheating is still cheating. I'm not saying you're doing it, but I'm suggesting you might not think you're cheating even if you were. If you want to respond and provide more information about this email that has caused so much trouble (maybe a screenshot with personal details blacked out) then I can try to give some advice.

But as is, all I can offer you is this: be honest with yourself, and your husband. If this is an issue, then something is wrong in your marriage, and you two need to talk about it and figure out what it is, or its not going to last much longer.

flatulent_cockroach1 wrote:

I mean if I were you I’d straight up say “I love you, this is a misunderstanding, I opened this email because of XYZ reason but if you’re not going to trust me, then just break up with me because I’m not going to feel guilty and be accused of something I didn’t do."

"I have NOTHING to hide from you, you’re my person. If I don't show that every day with the way I love you then obviously I'm not doing a very good job but I think you know deep down in your heart I would never do this to you.”

TBH, you didn’t do anything wrong and I think rather than groveling and apologizing a million times, it’s best to just be like “this isn’t me. It’s not in my character. I’ve explained my side, if you don’t trust me it’s honestly on you and best we be apart.”

I really think in time he’ll come to his senses. You didn’t do anything lol.

Also just seeing some other comments saying it sounds like he’s cheating on you - no, I don’t think that at all.

I think he saw something kinda weird, it caught him off guard, he has let his imagination run wild (which is what happens when you don’t communicate with your partner and shut them out). He’s making it worse for himself by not being a grown up and discussing it lol.

OP responded:

Exactly, but I kind of get where he's coming from (the needing space and shutting down), i do this when i am super stressed about XYZ thing that I have escalated in my mind to gargantuan proportions for absolutely no reason whatsoever.

I respect him and will give him some space. He did tell me he did not want to separate, and he has kept a Valentines day reservation at my favorite restaurant, so there's hope.

Four days later, OP shared an update.

So, it did not end well. After 48h of back and forth through text, because he refused to even speak to me over the phone or face to face, and me giving him my passwords so he can go check for himself that nothing was f--ky, he still wouldn't back down.

At this point his behavior was concerning and I thought he may have a mental episode going on. It was getting too much, he was texting me at all hours of the night trying to make sense of something that doesn't make sense in the first place.

So I blocked him. When he realized that he sent me emails at my work email, asking me to check my Hotmail, which had nothing different in it.

When I blocked his email he decided to message my best friend and telling her: If I can't talk to her, I'll go through you instead.

My friend has literally nothing to do whatsoever with this whole thing. She never replied and is sticking with me because she's also seeing how crazy he's acting. So I thought that was that. Yesterday at work I was visibly sad and distressed, and my whole team hugged me, offered support and I had lunch with my other good friend and colleague.

So the day goes by, I get off work at 4.

I am walking to my car in the parking lot, flanked by 2 colleagues and I'm kind of explaining the whole story. They go to one of the girl's car because they carpool. I walk towards my own car which is parked two rows away.

I hear a loud man's voice behind me. I turned around and it's him. He's walking very quickly towards me and still talking nonsense about emails. I hold my hand up and say "I'm not doing this with you right now," all the while calculating whether I am safe to go to my car. He was screaming at me that I was a whore, a sl-t, I've never seen him like this before at all.

A little energy pushed me to turn around and go to my colleague's car. At this point I'm shaking and scared. I enter her car and start hyperventilating. They're like "we'll drive you home." He was about 6 feet from the car, hate in his eyes, motioning me to get out of the car. We drove off, I kept apologizing to them, crying and looking behind us the whole trip to make sure he wasn't following.

When I came home my mother was there, I broke down and she called the c-ps. A nice officer told me over the phone "I got nothing else going on right now, you're my priority, and I'm coming to you as soon as I can." He came to my home, took my deposition, was extremely patient and understanding, explained everything that he was going to do after.

My ex was placed under arrest for cr-minal har-ssment with certain conditions to follow. Not sure about the legal terms here but they did not handcuff him or take him to jail, it was just a verbal thing and he will probably be summoned in court at a later date. I have a good network of people who care, and I believe I'm safe. Thanks everyone.

Not long after posting, OP shared two more updates.

EDIT: I just had a 2 hour conversation with his ex (let's call her Jess) (NOT the mother of his kids, but the girl he dated between the kids' mother and me). A very interesting conversation: she has lived exactly the same situation as me, minus the calling the c-ps.

She told me he was ultra controlling, physically and verbally ab-sive to his two sons, a bad dr-g habit, an unhealthy/borderline inappropriate relationship with the mother of his children, and he was psychologically and s-xually ab-sive towards Jess.

She told me he used to put her on a pedestal, same as me, but he had a lot of behavior problems (that I've noticed but chose to ignore just because i loved him so much). I hope he gets the help he needs.

EDIT 2:

He's following me. Saw him twice today where he shouldn't have been. Documented that to the police station. They're super nice and understanding, thank god.

The commenters had a lot to say.

Reverend_vader wrote:

The one piece of advice I will offer. People like this often ignore the police because they are no longer living in our reality. (been there). Just because they have MH issues (clearly here) it doesn't mean you have to feel one ounce of sympathy or guilt because whatever is going on. Its destroyed any chance of them being allowed in your life anymore.

You may well get guilt/sympathy pangs and you should grab them by the collar and throw them out on their ass the moment they enter your head. The only way to mentally deal with stalky ex's, is to literally stop caring about them at all, as then the only decisions you will make will be around your own safety.

OP responded:

Thank you. I needed to hear this. I am angry at him but sometimes during the day i have small bouts of thoughts like "did I overreact? Am I being too harsh with having him arr-sted?"

And I have huge regrets about it. But then I realize, hey, the actual officer of the law told me he had enough motive to literally arrest him, so I'm doing the right thing.

trevbot wrote:

You absolutely did not overreact, I promise you. It's hard to see from inside a relationship sometimes how f--ked up things are, but try to imagine your best friend is going through what you are right now. What would you tell them? What would you want for them? Use that, and apply it to yourself.

OP responded:

I would be a rabid guard dog for any of my friends going through that, you're absolutely right ♡

amidtheprimalthings wrote:

I am so sorry you’re experiencing this! It’s genuinely terrifying when your partner pivots like this and leaves you feeling unsafe and, dare I say, worried that they will physically harm or attack you.

When we live life we generally expect to be safe at work, commuting, at home, so it can be jarring to have someone pop that bubble with their unhinged behavior, so I’m very glad you had your coworker there to drive you home and be a witness!

I am equally as glad that you called the police - but in the interim, do you have anyone you can stay with for a few days? Are you able to invest in getting some sort of home security system? Whatever is going on with your ex, it’s clear that he’s not mentally stable and is not afraid to escalate his behavior - even in public and even with witnesses. Please prioritize your well-being, if resources allow.

Maybe you can speak to the detective who came to take your statement and see if they’d be willing to have someone do some timed patrols of your area, just for the peace of mind. I hope you will be ok! You did a brave thing in getting help and reporting him. I hope you will be supported and surrounded with care as you navigate the days ahead.

OP responded:

Thank you for the kind words. They are definitely patrolling my area more. The officer told me that he was extremely calm and cooperative during his arrest, but knowing my ex, that's just a facade and he's probably absolutely boiling with rage inside. I have some peace of mind where I know he cannot contact me, directly or indirectly, and cannot be at my home or place of employment.

This is a small town so there's a chance i might bump into him at the pharmacy or grocery store, but there's nothing I can do about that and the officer just told me to ignore him and go to a different aisle or area in the store. It will take a very long time for me to get through this, I'm a slow healer. But time heals all wounds, does it not?

Conincognito wrote:

I don’t know what his problem is but I doubt that talking to from the police made him any less crazy. Carry pepper spray, be aware of your surroundings and keep people around you as much as you can. It’s best to be cautious because he sounds unhinged.

OP responded:

I'm not sure if pepper spray is legal in my area, i will check. Thank you ♡