'My partner told me he finds me unattractive since gaining weight. How do I lay out my feelings?' UPDATED

"My 31M Partner told me (32F) he finds me unattractive since gaining weight. How do I communicate my feelings about my partner's insensitive comment on my weight?"

Hi everyone,

I’m reaching out because I’m struggling with something my partner said that really hurt my feelings. We’ve been together for three years now, and after having a baby, I’ve gained some weight. I used to weigh around 150 lbs, but now I’m about 180 lbs.

Recently, my partner told me that he finds me unattractive now because of my weight, and that it affects his desire for intimacy. This comment hit me hard, especially considering that he has been around 250 lbs throughout our relationship and I've never said anything negative about his body.

I want to communicate how this makes me feel without coming off as combative, but I also want to ensure he understands that his words can be very hurtful. I think it’s essential for both of us to express our feelings openly, especially about body image and health.

What I’m looking for:

Advice on how to approach this conversation

Suggestions for expressing my hurt while also being open to his perspective

Tips on fostering a more supportive dialogue about body image and attraction

Has anyone dealt with a similar situation? Your insights and advice would be greatly appreciated. Thank you!

TL;DR: My partner told me he finds me unattractive because I've gained weight after having a baby, which hurt my feelings. I want to express my feelings without being combative and also hear his concerns. Any advice on how to approach this conversation?

The internet did not hold back one bit.

That_Jicama_7043 wrote:

I keep wondering why women end up trapped by men who hate them and only see them as blow up dolls? I’m so tired of these posts and I’m so tired of these men who look like an overstuffed duffle bag demanding their partner look like a teenage girl. Tell him he is a giant turd waffle and he can go to hk.*

OP responded:

Yeah I used to feel the same way too. But at the beginning everything was wonderful. He was sweet and thoughtful and kind. After I had our son, he said I could stay home and raise him--he makes enough money to make that happen comfortably. And slowly, he changed. And here we are.

Veteris71 wrote:

Happens all the time. Having a baby does seem to bring out the worst in a lot of men. Unfortunately, there aren't any magic words that will make him like you, respect you, or treat you well.

GameboyPATH wrote:

First, consider for yourself: Are you upset with the way he said it, or the fact that he said it at all? Because if it's the former, then I'd certainly agree that it'd be constructive to let him know this, and offer to work with him on identifying a more considerate and tactful way for him to express his feelings.

But if you'd prefer that he not keep you updated with his honest feelings and concerns about his levels of attraction to you, then I'm not sure what kind of relationship you want. Would you prefer he keep secrets, and harbor resentment without ever telling you why?

Regardless, you're in a position where, now that he's shared his thoughts and feelings about your weight, you could not only tell him how his remark made you feel, but also express your own thoughts and feelings about your body.

Do you disagree with his assessment, and think you look damn fine as you are? Were you already considering losing weight before? Or was it not something you were considering before, and might consider now?

OP responded:

I appreciate your thoughtful response. Here’s a reply incorporating your considerations: You're right to point out that there's a difference between how he said it and the fact that he said it. It's definitely been an ongoing issue in our relationship when it comes to tactfulness. I genuinely wish he had found a way to express his feelings without making me feel worthless.

I've been actively trying to lose weight for months now, eating at a deficit and working out regularly. Despite my efforts, my confidence is at an all-time low, and hearing him say that really struck a nerve. I want to be open about my feelings, but I also hope he can understand how his words can affect me, especially when I'm already struggling with my self-image.

I want to find a way to communicate this without creating more tension, but it’s challenging when I feel so vulnerable. Thank you for your insights; they’re helping me think through how to approach this better.

A little less than three weeks later, OP shared an update.

So I tried to have a mature and kind conversation ask suggested by so many of you kind people. I essentially said "The way you spoke to me hurt and made me feel disrespected. However, I'm going to take steps to lose weight--not for you. But for my health. I think it could be fun for us to bond together while we diet and exercise together."

He said "Get back to where you were, then we'll talk."

So yeah, still frustrated still hurt. But I've lost 10 lbs! And I got a job doing something I love. And I'm going to leave. Once I'm quite a bit thinner and have money saved up.

Thanks for all the advice. I'm relearning my self worth one barbed comment from him at a time, as weird as it sounds.

And I've gotten teeth of my own--for those who were wondering.

The comments kept coming.

BlackCatBonanza wrote:

Leave now. You don’t need to be thinner first: the fact that you think you need to lose weight before leaving tells me that he has convinced you that your worth is tied to your weight. Leave this POS as soon as you cab.

OP responded:

Oh I just wanna lose it as an extra eff you haha. I got a job. I'm making a plan. All will come in due time, trust me.

RavenLunatyk wrote:

Understand but be careful you don’t get in a rut and end up never leaving. He’s not a for better or worse guy and he’s superficial. You said you know your worth but a revenge body can take some time if you do it healthy.

He can’t even be supportive and exercise to spend time together. Seems like he’s already checked out of the relationship and even if you lost weight won’t make a difference. I don’t know how you can even stand being with him a minute longer.

OP responded:

Well, he asked me to be a stahm for two years to raise our son. I spent my savings on the down payment of our house to "help". So it's going to take me some time to get my money back in order as it is. I'm spending my time--even when he's home--focusing on my boys. So there's that. Also found out he had dating apps seeking men on his phone so yeah, I'd say he's probably checked out.

ASkeletonPilotsMe wrote:

The issue is even if you did lose the weight and bend to his whim it wont be good enough. He will just keep finding new things to tell you is wrong. Its a game you will never win.

OP responded:

Oh I know. He criticizes every single thing I do:how I do dishes, goes through the trash when he gets home, making sure I didn't throw away something "important", how I cut vegetables, how I cook. It's been a long time coming. I let him hammer me down until there was nothing left. But I'm rising back up, once step at a time.