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'My partner's family financial situation is ruining our plans. He's funding their lifestyle.' MAJOR UPDATE

'My partner's family financial situation is ruining our plans. He's funding their lifestyle.' MAJOR UPDATE


Nothing turns up the stress in a relationship quite like financial troubles.

In a popular post on the True Off My Chest subreddit, a woman shared her concerns about her fiance's family financial situation. She wrote:

"My partner's family financial situation is hard for me to swallow."

I love my partner very much. We were planning to get married this year. I don't believe that is feasible anymore. Their family recently hit a major financial crisis. They were originally quite wealthy and are used to a high standard of living so this was a big shock to all of them. My partner is now the sole breadwinner.

I am all for them supporting their family through this and I would love to be there for my partner but I am having a hard time agreeing with some of their choices. For example, my partner would rather sacrifice all of his assets and money than have his family downsize theirs.

I feel as though they should sell their mansion and many luxury cars (that have a high cost of upkeep) to something more affordable. The profits would help them get by for awhile too. I can't bring myself to say this to my partner because I don't want to seem unsupportive. All of this makes me very very sad for our future.

I know it sounds selfish and shallow, but I was looking forward to having a good life with my partner. Now I feel like I either have to put that life on hold for the unforeseeable future (we don't know how long it will take for the financial crisis to resolve, it might never, and they might be financially dependent of my partner for awhile) OR be the one to finance everything.

Which is not the life I want. Sure, for a few months, a year, I could pay for all our dates and trips just so that we could still enjoy our life. But then what? Will I truly be able to say that I don't mind giving up on the life that I want just so that someone else can live theirs? I don't know. Maybe I'm a bad partner for saying all of this.

But for now, I'll keep this secret on reddit and go greet my partner with a smile. Because I love them. And they're a really good person. Even if this time I have to shoulder the cost of them being a good person.

The post inspired a lot of questions and comments.

DantheMan5860 wrote:

You are not a bad person for deciding one way or another now. You might not be a great person if you know this is not what you want and still go through with it and then leave down the line.

I know you said you might be able to pay for dates for a few months or so but I’m wondering what else you would bring to the table financially, or were you just looking forward to your partner bringing in the biggest part of the cake?

OP responded:

I make more money than my partner and have always contributed more. I bought my studio apartment so I pay for the mortgage. They don't currently live with me because of work but my apartment will basically be our starter home. We were both starting to save for the wedding and a bigger home together but they've already given their half of the savings to their family.

So now all we'll have is my contributions. So it's not like I'm not giving. It's just that now, my partner won't be able to. But I don't think I'm disappointed because they won't be able to afford the big things. Because those are easier to tackle. Can't afford a wedding? Postpone it.

But I think what hurts is knowing that because they're on money saving mode, they don't have money to waste on silly things like nice meals or fun activities that we wanted to do. So I would either have to adapt my lifestyle or be the one to finance it. Which is fine for now. But undesirable long term as it basically makes me the sole breadwinner of a two income household.

DantheMan5860 wrote:

Your concerns are valid and should be talked out with your partner because their response will likely be a pretty good preview of what you can expect for your future. I will say though that them giving away their have the money set aside for the wedding seems like a red flag as there were others options available as you stated above.

ceruleanTX wrote:

It sounds like his family and you two should try to reduce costs of living to improve your financial situations. Please talk with your fiancé about this; enabling their spending habits won’t help in the long run if they aren’t able to recover their wealth. Everyone has to learn to live within their means.

OP responded:

Thank you. I'll give them time to process everything before I try to talk to them. I don't want them to feel like I don't support them helping their family.

Neutraali wrote:

"I feel as though they should sell their mansion and many luxury cars (that have a high cost of upkeep) to something more affordable."

There's nothing "selfish" or "shallow" about this advice. It's common sense. Trying to maintain their previous lifestyle in the middle of a financial crisis is a fast way to burn through all their assets. Whether your partner is a "good person" or not, it's a really bad move for your partner to end up as a cash cow for financially irresponsible people.

gardengirl99 wrote:

I cannot fathom exhausting one’s own financial resources to keep someone in luxury accommodations when they could easily liquidate some assets and live quite reasonable life within their means. If your partner was paying for an uncovered medical treatment, or keeping them from being homeless, even doing a once in a lifetime splurge, I would get it.

No one needs more than one vehicle. I can see how having to do different specialty things would be nice, like a pick up truck for hauling stuff and a smaller, gas economical vehicle. But multiple luxury cars? These people need a reality check.

capriciouskat01 wrote:

I don't think it would sound unsupportive if you offered suggestions as to how his parents can downsize their lives so they can continue to be self-sufficient.

If they have the means to have the money then there's no reason he should be giving them so much it effects your life. Maybe you can suggest he give them less? Tell your husband you both could be putting that money up for retirement, so you don't end up the same as his parents. 🙄

Five days later, OP jumped on with an update.

A few days ago I made a post on how my partner was making bad decisions on their finances to support their family's very privileged lifestyle. I have since talked to them and I'm glad I did.

Turns out my partner didn't really want to do a lot of it but their parents have been pressuring them hounding them everyday, attempting to guilt them through crying jags on the phone so that they would take out a 100k loan on their behalf. They can't take out the loan themselves because the dad hasn't worked in 20 years and the mom has not worked her whole life.

They've been living off of investments that they lucked out on but has since caused them issues. My partner has a sister who doesn't work and isn't in college. Granted half of the reason is that she was recovering from a skin condition but the other half is that college isn't too much of a priority for her. I'm so pissed at these people.

My partner hasn't been eating much beyond instant noodles and week old leftovers while their family still has enough money for groceries and proper meals. Like that's so f-ed up. Your child is starving themselves to support your privileged a*s who cannot accept that most people have to work for a living. Your child is working their a*s off for their living. How could you do that to your child?

Like get a job? Sell your luxury items? Sell your cars? Your multimillion house? Not go on that overseas trip for the mom's birthday when you knew your savings was running out? How could you ask your child to sell their car, take out a loan for you? Unless it was the absolute last resort? How could you guilt trip them this way? What sh**ty selfish parents.

The house has too many emotional attachments? The dad's ego would be bruised from feeling like he's taking back the things he gave his family? Hahaha this family is so unhinged. Sure, they're nice people. But how nice can you be if you would do this to your child? I am so pissed.

I've been buying my partner food, treating them to nice meals, buying them flowers, when they are with me so that they still get to enjoy their life and have moments of happiness. I am happy to do this for my partner but f**k the family for putting both me and my partner in this position.

The internet kept it real in response to the update.

xanif wrote:

What's the long term plan here? How are you going to save for retirement? How are you going to save for children (if you decide to have them)? For a house? For unexpected medical bills? I know it's a cliché but you don't have just an in-law problem. You have an SO problem. This isn't sustainable.

OP responded:

Honestly, I don't know. My partner has been in a bad state since s**z hit the fan so I've been focusing on short term and just making sure they're okay. Medium/long term wise, I know I'll be fine. I make decent income, I own my apartment (still on mortgage though), and I don't plan on getting preggos any time soon. I have an IUD so low chance of any accidents as well.

We both have pretty comprehensive insurance from work. Basically we would survive. But it wouldn't be the life we worked hard for and deserve and can afford if it wasn't for this. I hate them for trying to rob us off that life.

Commercial-Loan-929 wrote:

Hey OP, what are you gonna do once you get married and your SO drains your money to give it to your IL's? (Speaking from experience, that will inevitably happen since you're ignoring his enabling behavior). There's something you need to understand, your IL's are at fault but the one "robbing you off that life" is your SO.

OP responded:

First of all, thank you for your comment. I took a few days to think about it. I don't think I will marry him until this specific matter is resolved. And even if it does, and we get married, I will insist on a prenup and ensure that my finances, and our collective finances will not be at the mercy of his family.

FroggyMcnasty wrote:

You don't want to hear this but you need to divorce him. He took a massive loan out which they will NEVER pay back, and that is going to fall onto you. You need to protect yourself, your partner has no business dragging you into this nonsense and making you partially liable for whatever f**kups they get into. If something happens to him, then you still owe the debt. Look into legal options.

OP responded:

He has not taken out the loan yet. He does not want to. This has been his standing ground with his parents over the past few days. I don't know if he will eventually cave or if he will stand up to his parents and put an end to this. But I reckon this will be the point that determines the rest of the outcome. I refuse to marry him if the loan exists.

If he ends up taking out the loan, it will need to be paid off prior to marriage. But even given that, I don't know if I can forgive and still marry him knowing that what could have been our savings went into paying the loan instead. I think marriage would only still be on the table if the loan was paid off by his family.

Or if they reimbursed him for the amount.

Either way, resolved or not, a prenup is definitely mandatory for me now. Even before everything happened, I wanted one, but now it's non negotiable.

madgeystardust wrote:

She’s essentially enabling the fiancé so they can keep enabling the parents.

OP responded:

Perhaps to some level, I was. A lot of the comments seem to agree with you. We are currently ldr so I only shell out money a few days a month when we meet and so far we've only had one such weekend since things happened. Our next salary should be coming in before the next time we meet. If he chooses to send most of it to his family, I will not be spending money on him beyond going halfsies.

madgeystardust responded:

That’s the right move. He’ll only stop giving to them if it impacts him significantly - you’re currently sparing him from the consequences of his own actions. People don’t change without consequences.

Stay strong. He’ll put the manipulation he gets - to you, once he realises you’ll let him go without to break this cycle. Don’t fall for it. Cal it out and ask if this is what works in him when his relatives come a begging for money he cannot afford to give.

OP responded:

First of all, thank you for your comment. I took a few days to think about it. I don't think I will marry him until this specific matter is resolved. And even if it does, and we get married, I will insist on a prenup and ensure that my finances, and our collective finances will not be at the mercy of his family.

nousernamesleft24 wrote:

I don't mean to be insensitive here, but your anger also needs to be on your fiance, not just their parents. Your fiance is actively making a choice to give their family every cent they make and leaving themselves with next to nothing.

They are choosing to be in this situation. Yes, when you grow up in an ab*sive, toxic and manipulative family you often feel you don't have a choice. But you do. You have the ability to change the course of your own life but your fiance is choosing to enable their parents instead. And you are now enabling your partner. This is your future and it is not feasible in the long wrong.

You will be taken down alongside your fiance. The moment you marry is the moment their family will turn to you like a pack of hungry wolves. Is this the life you want? Do you want to put your life in hold to support selfish, lazy and entitled adults? If you want better than what is currently having them you need to sit your fiance down and have a talk.

You're engaged to be married and this is about to become your life to. It is time to put your family (you and fiance) first and let their parents figure their crap out alone. Or this relationship should end and you should find a partner that either has a backbone or has a family that actually loves and cares for them instead of what they offer.

It seems absolutely clear that the internet thinks OP should run far, far, away from this situation.

Sources: Reddit
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