'AITA for my reaction to the pictures of my wife's ex I found?' UPDATED 2X

"AITA for my reaction to the pictures of my wife's ex I found?"

Recently, we had some spider issues at our house. I was going around trying to get rid of them. I told my wife that I was gonna be ruffling around the house if she needed me. As I was going around, I opened this small drawer. And there's where I found the pictures in question.

They were of my wife's ex.

See, earlier in our relationship, she actually cheated on me with said ex, this was before we got married. She begged me to stay, and that she was never gonna see her ex again.

Looking back now, I'm thinking I made a mistake, but I took her back on the basis that I never want to ever hear her talk to him, or about him, ever again.

While it took some work to gain trust again, we did get through it.

That was 5 years ago. We got married last year and bought this house together.

And that's what f#$king gets me the most, this wasn't her house from before, she ACTIVELY brought these pictures here.

I told her I found the pictures, and she immediately apologized and said she didn't know she had those pictures.

Idk if I believe her to be honest.

The commenters had a lot to say in response.

Craft-Maximum wrote:

I mean, I get that. She definitely should not have slept with her ex while the two of you were in the early stages of your relationship but she had a life before you and chances are she shoved those pictures in a drawer somewhere and hasn’t given two thoughts about it but it’s part of her past and her history and they edited to add: UNLESS THEY were incredibly inappropriate pictures ETA- it shouldn't be a big deal.

I’d say maybe freaking out about it and jumping to separation and divorce is, not the right move. I have pictures of exes somewhere in my house just like my husband has pictures of his exes. There are pictures of them on social media my husband and I have been together for 14 years at this point.

OP responded:

See, part of the deal when we reconciled back then was: He's out of your life entirely, I don't care what good memories you have with him, he's is out. She agreed to that. Now I find out she still keeps memories of him. See, THAT'S also part of my issue. My deal was: She can either purge him from her life entirely, or I'd leave.

Portugee_D wrote:

Were they photos of her ex or were they photos that her ex was in? I remember my parents arguing about my dad having photos of his ex in a box in the attic. Then I find out it was a golf outing with all his friends and their girlfriends when they were 18 on vacation. Two friends in the photos d**d pre social media so these are some of the only photos he had of them.

OP responded:

Photos of just them, and a few of just him.

Absoma wrote:

When we were dating, my ex wife slept with her ex. Biggest mistake U made was marrying her later on. Never got over it. Sorry bud. You need to do some deep self reflection. Was these pics a simple mistake or not?

lemmehelpyaout wrote:

Looking back now, I'm thinking I made a mistake. The issue really isn't with the pictures, it's that you don't feel that the life you are living was the right choice. the pictures have just reminded you of this feeling.

I think you have to have a more serious conversation with yourself about that feeling and decide whether you feel comfortable going along with a marriage when your gut tells you it might be a mistake.

Much_Response_5919 wrote:

Exactly. OP is her 2nd choice. That's why she cheated with ex. Op gut is telling him this.

No_Roof_1910 wrote:

She knew she had the pictures. She had the pictures because she WANTS to have those pictures. I'm really sorry OP.

A little over a week later, OP shared an update.

So I talked to my wife after I had cooled off. Right now, I am thinking we should divorce, but I am gonna try being on my own for a bit. I decided to go travel alone for a bit. My wife and I discussed this and she's OK with it. We're not on a "break" so to speak.

So I'm not gonna look to be with other women. I just want to see what it is like to be alone. Just so you all know, if my wife had just "forgotten" she had those pics. It may have been "better."

Problem is that they were JUST pics of him, or both of them together, and there wasn't any other things in there, just those pics.

Heck, there wasn't even anything in the other drawer. And I mean...if you moved homes, you're not gonna check if you have any junk in a drawer?

I just don't believe my wife forgot, or at least didn't realize she had those pics when we moved.

I don't care if he's was "a big part of her life" she still cheated on me with him. I will repeat: SHE CHEATED WITH THE GUY ON THE PICS.

Some of yall either didn't read, or chose to ignore that little detail. It's amazing how many people defended their relationship, or were like "Well technically you said she couldn't talk to him again, you never said anything about pics" Anyway, I do appreciate the support from the rest of you. So right now, I'm thinking divorce, but I just want to make sure I'm happier alone.

The comments kept coming in response.

the_harlinator wrote:

Woman weighing in. She’s still hung up on her ex. If when she cheated she was sincere in her regrets she would have burned every picture and memory she had of this guy. Not just for your sake but because she would feel so much shame and disgust that she did that, she wouldn’t want any reminder lying around. This is the guy she wants to be with and can’t for whatever reason, so she settled for you.

cacw1955 wrote:

I don’t understand ~ she cheated on you and realized she was making a mistake and clearly didn’t want to lose you! So ~ In the spirit of going forward I would have 100% purged everything prior to this move to a new home for you both. I’m sad for you. Good Luck ~ this can’t be easy.

OP responded:

That was basically what we agreed on. And I was happy with said agreement, but now I found out she didn't keep her end of the agreement.

Bolt_McHardsteel wrote:

Was she really that matter of fact, like “okay, let me know what you decide?” Because in my mind if she is really that dry and concerned about her screw up, that would tell me a lot about whether she is truly invested in you and in making the relationship work. Her just saying “okay” would make me feel pretty sh**ty.

OP responded:

She did try to talk about counseling and trying to make it up to me. But honestly, at that point, I was just done with trying to talk. I knew that at that time, I AT LEAST needed some time for myself.

Manager-Opening wrote:

Gonna elaborate on this "talk" or what?

OP responded:

What's there to elaborate on? She said she forgot she had those pics, I told her I don't believe her. I told her I needed some time to decide if I want to stay in this marriage, she said ok.

Has422 wrote:

I get why this is a problem. She cheated on you with that particular guy. She should have been super-extra careful not to have that particular guy be in any part of her life whatsoever. There’s no ‘oops…my bad’ when it comes to that particular guy. There’s no rope, no leeway, no three strikes.

She’s already used all that up by cheating on you with him the first time. And she should know all of this already. So either she doesn’t get it, or she does get it and she doesn’t care. And that’s a problem. Good luck.

Two months later, OP shared another update.

So I've finally decided to divorce. I went away for a bit without her, keep in mind I didn't go on vacation to Hawaii or anything, I went to a city I used to live in before I I even met my wife.

Basically, I wanted to see what life could be like without my wife. And honestly? I felt peaceful. I felt calm. I actually stopped thinking about my wife for a while. Something many of you commented was that my wife could have cheated on me while I was away.

But I realized I really didn't care. I don't care if she cheats on me now, or if she loves me. I just don't care anymore. When I got back, I actually hoped she would be gone, not because I hate her or anything, but it'd save me some hassle if I could file divorce by abandonment. (I'm assuming it's easier, I don't really know how it works).

But no, she was still there. I told her my decision, and she begged me to try marriage counseling. I told her I really don't want to go through the hassle. She told me we should fight for us. I told her I just don't want to fight for us anymore, I don't care about our relationship anymore.

We had a long talk, and eventually she accepted that I want a divorce. We're starting proceedings now, btw, I kept the pictures, and already met with a lawyer before I got back, I figured it wouldn't hurt to keep the pics. So yeah, now I realize I probably should have left her all those years ago. Still, I don't regret what I'm doing now.

The comments kept coming.

5folhas wrote:

I don't care if she cheats on me now, or if she loves me. I just don't care anymore. The opposite of love isn't hate, it's indifference. So yeah, divorce is the better way.

mockingbird82 wrote:

I think you are making the right choice here, OP. You gave her a chance to redeem herself, and she didn't live up to her promises. She just had to keep pictures of someone she cheated with even when you both moved.

That's her fault, not yours. I'm glad you read her actions instead of just her words this time. I hope you continue to find peace in the days ahead and that the divorce process is a smooth one.

Foolish-Pleasure99 wrote:

Have been following and commenting since the beginning. I am not surprised at your decision. My thoughts were that nothing she could do could fix this. I believe its possible, in some situations, with the right attitude, for a couple to recover from infidelity. But that leaves no wiggle room for any taint of any suspicion. Or any hint the couple is not each other's number one.

You'd pretty clearly set a boundary her ex needed to be permanently erased from you lives. Those pictures revealed she could never admit she wasn't still carrying a torch for her ex.

[deleted] wrote:

She kicked you in the balls when she decided to cheat on you and if that wasn't bad enough decided to keep pics of the guy she cheated on you with, she kicked you down then stuck a knife in your back for good measure so the ONLY result here was a divorce. Anyone deserves better than a wife like this.

This wasn't a one-off type of infidelity or you wouldn't keep pictures of it, you would accept it was a mistake and move on yet she didn't because it was probably an ongoing thing.