'My relationship is in trouble due to my female friendships. My girlfriend feels insecure.' UPDATED

"Relationship trouble due to female friendship."

I've (30M) been dating my girlfriend (30F) for 9 months, and I am fully in love with her, we've talked about marriage and family soon and she's the one for me. However, we are having major issues over female friendships I have.

I've traveled a lot and have a lot of different friends, male and female, from different portions of my life. Since high school, I have been best friends with a girl "Emma." We have never had any romantic interest on either side, and went to the same college, worked at the same job for while, and stayed very close, would help each other with relationship advice, etc.

I also become close, platonic friends (same thing, no romantic interest either side) with a girl "Anna" in college, and we stayed friends, traveled together, etc in our 20s. When my girlfriend and I started our relationship, in the first couple weeks she got upset about Instagram comments Anna made on a post of mine, and didn't believe me that our relationship was platonic.

I stopped really responding to Anna out of respect for this and basically ended our friendship, which I regret. Due to this, I was scared to tell my girlfriend that I had a best friend in Emma, so I didn't. This was a major mistake by me, I should have been open from the start and really regret this.

A couple months ago, my girlfriend saw texts from Emma and asked who she was, etc, and got really upset (justifiably) that I had a close female friend I hadn't told her about. The texts were Emma asking when I was free to give her a call back, and my girlfriend took this as us going behind her back. She assumed since I hadn't told her, I was being shady with Emma / pursuing a romantic relationship.

She gave me an ultimatum that I had to cut off Emma, block her on everything, etc or our relationship was over. To save the relationship, I did this, and thought I could move forward. However, I have now become resentful of my girlfriend, especially because she has a male best friend and has other male friends as well.

She was open about these friendships from the beginning, which was my mistake in not doing the same. I never used to be jealous of this and I trust her, but I have become resentful that she can have these male friendships and I can't have female friendships.

She has been treated poorly in past relationships and been hurt & cheated on, so I understand her perspective, and I really wish I didn't cause this problem by not being upfront. I am struggling to get over my jealousy and resentment. I feel very guilty for just cutting Emma off like that, she used to really rely on me for advice and friendship.

TL;DR my girlfriend gave me an ultimatum to cut off my female best friend after I f#$ked up and wasn't open about her from the beginning and I now feel guilty and resentful. Do I just need to get over this? Any advice? I really love my girlfriend so much and want to find a way to make it work. Thank you <3.

The internet weighed in with all of their thoughts.

CafeteriaMonitor wrote:

This is a fundamental incompatibility. If somebody being with you is contingent on you cutting off all your female friends, including your best friend who you've only ever been platonic with, that's not the right person to spend your life with.

You f#$ed up by not making it known early on that you have female friends who are really important to you and who you want to keep in your life, and by not breaking up when it became clear that this would be a problem for her.

I do not think there is any way to talk your way out of the current situation because hiding Emma was a super shady thing to do. You have to look at what happened and realize that you subconsciously knew you two were not compatible and were scared of facing that reality.

OP responded:

Thanks for your input, I really appreciate it.

celtic_glitter wrote:

So were the texts from Anna flirty? If so, have you and Anna been a FWB?

OP responded:

Neither Emma or Anna and I have ever been FWB or anything romantic or s#$ual at all, no. The texts were not flirty, they were asking when I was free for a call (which my girlfriend took as us going behind her back). If I had been upfront about having this friend, the texts wouldn't have been an issue.

dickpierce69 wrote:

Honestly, I’d be telling her no. My friends are my friends and you’re not going to control who I am friends with since I don’t control who you are friends with. Sure, she may end things with you but that’s a consequence of your lying. But if she is the right person for you, she’s going to accept it. If she’s this jealous/insecure, its not likely to get better in the future. That’s not something I would put up with, personally.

BrokenPaw wrote:

You are an adult, and you are allowed to have whichever friends you wish (of whichever s#x they happen to be).

Your girlfriend is an adult, and is allowed to choose for herself whether or not she is willing to be in a relationship with a guy who has female friends. This started, right out of the gate, with your girlfriend refusing to believe that a platonic friendship, that you had had for years, was platonic.

Unless you aren't being forthright here, and are concealing the fact that Anna's comments on your instagram were flirty or otherwise gave your girlfriend an articulable reason to think that the friendship was non-platonic...then (again, right out of the gate) your girlfriend was being unreasonable; "having a female friend" is not automatic evidence of sketchy behavior.

So unless you or Anna were being sketchy, then your girlfriend was being unreasonable. The mistake you made was in not kicking her over the transom, right then and there, for not believing you when you told her that a legitimately-platonic friendship was legitimately platonic.

The second mistake you made, you're already aware of: you didn't tell her about Emma. Which made an otherwise perfectly-innocent friendship seem sketchy, even if it wasn't. So that's on you. But the mistake that you are continuing to make is: "remaining with someone who does not respect your freedom to be friends with whomever you choose to be friends with."

In general, when a person gives you a "It's me or the other person" ultimatum, the correct answer is "Ok, I choose the other person, then", because a person who tries to tell you who you can and cannot have in your life (if you have done nothing sketchy, of course) is a controlling person and is not partner material.

You have muddied the waters by hiding Emma, but you did that because your girlfriend had already shown you a suspicious and unreasonable and controlling side over the Anna situation; you should have walked away then, instead of clinging to her and then trying to hide Emma, but that's all water under the bridge, now.

You were honest about Anna, and you got in trouble for it (and lost a friendship over it). You were dishonest about Emma (by omission, at least), and now are in trouble for that.

What that basically means is, as long as you are with this girl, you're going to be in trouble if you have any female friends, ever, no matter what you do. If that's the life you want to have, well, congratulations and mazel-tov. But if you want to be a normal adult person with normal adult friendships...then you need to have an adult partner who accepts that it's possible for you to have platonic female friends...

...and that's not who you're with.

So. Do you want to spend the rest of your life not being "allowed* to have the friends you want to have?

OP responded:

Thanks for the great framework and thinking, appreciate it.

Nine days later, OP shared an update.

I previously posted about my girlfriend getting really mad at me about my female friendships and making me cut my best friends off. I recently went through her texts for the first time since we started dating ~9 months ago and found that she has consistently been texting this guy (~30M) that she had told me was just a friend.

She says they've only hooked up once (well before we started dating), and the texts back this up, but they have had sexual/flirty texts going for months and she sent one nude. I am crushed. She is extremely apologetic, swears she is going to change, she sent a text cutting the guy off, says she is willing to go to therapy, will do anything to keep me.

She said she was projecting her insecurities on me about my friends, and says I can have my friends back, etc. I've texted my friends who I cut off but they, very understandable, have not responded.

She says she will do anything for a second chance. I do love her so much still, but idk if I am crazy for putting up with stuff like this and giving her another chance.

TL;DR my girlfriend has been s#$ting a "friend" for months and wants a second chance.

The internet had a lot to say in response.

Twin2Turbo wrote:

Yes, you would be crazy for giving this woman another chance.

accj30 wrote:

*Therapy in a relationship of NINE F#$KING MONTHS, EVERY one of which she has been cheating on you?????? It's a joke, right?

MrDywel wrote:

Especially at that age, my eyes have rolled back so far I can see my brain.

Low-Patient1931 wrote:

Right I’m confused why he’s confused at what to do. She forced him to cut off friends while she was sexting. Seems like an easy choice here.