'AITA for telling my SIL her Thanksgiving tradition is dumb and I won't be doing it?'
"AITA for telling my sister-in-law her 'tradition' is dumb and locking my good plates away?"
I (32F) hosted Thanksgiving this year for my husband’s family. It was a big group, about 20 people. I was actually excited because I enjoy cooking and thought it would be fun. Here is the problem. There is a “family tradition” where the newest wife has to host her first big holiday with no help.
Fine, whatever. But apparently you also have to use this very old china set that has been passed down, and you are expected to do the entire meal completely alone. No help at all. It is treated like some kind of test or rite of passage.
My sister-in-law Jessica (35F) did it last year and never stops talking about how she was eight months pregnant and still did everything herself. On Thanksgiving morning, she showed up at my house around 9 AM. with a huge box of china and set it on my counter.
I was already dealing with the turkey when she said, “The rules are simple. You use the china for everything, and you do it alone. No Mark, no kids, no one. It’s about respect.” I tried to be polite and said the china was really pretty, but it was very old, and we had gravy, cranberry sauce, and a bunch of little kids running around. I suggested maybe we could just use it for dessert.
She looked at me like I had deeply insulted her and said, “That’s not how it’s done. You break tradition, you break respect. My grandmother watched me scrub every dish by hand at 2 AM. It’s a rite of passage.”
At some point, my husband Mark came into the kitchen for coffee, and she literally shooed him out. She said, “No husbands in the war zone.” He looked confused, I shrugged, and he left.
A couple of hours later, I was sweating, the yams were boiling over, I was making pies, and Jessica was sitting at my kitchen island drinking my wine and correcting how I was polishing the silver. At one point she said, “It’s the grand baroque pattern, not that modern stuff.”
Mark tried to check on me again, and she waved a spoon at him like he was a stray cat. That is when I finally snapped. I walked over to my hutch, grabbed my own good plate set that my grandmother gave me, carried the whole box upstairs, and locked it in the closet.
I came back down, and Jessica just stared at me and asked what I was doing. I told her, as calmly as I could, “This tradition is nonsense. It’s not a test, it’s hazing. This is my house, and you are a guest. You will eat off the plates I choose and say thank you for the food. You can go watch the game or you can leave.”
Mark walked back in, heard everything, put his arm around me, and said, “She’s right. It’s a stupid rule, and it’s her kitchen.” As you can imagine, Jessica stormed off to the living room. Dinner was awkward, but Mark and his dad helped me clean up, and his brother later said, “Thank goodness someone finally said it.”
Now the family group chat is blowing up. Jessica posted a long rant about “disrespecting legacy.” Some aunts are upset. My mother-in-law privately texted me that she always hated the tradition and that the china is basically mine now. My father-in-law just asked if there was more pie. I will admit I was petty and later used the family china to put water out for the dog. AITA?
Here's what people had to say to OP:
Easy_Football_2453 says:
Good for you for standing up for yourself. It’s one thing to respect traditions, but it’s another to be treated like a servant in your own home. Jessica should have respected your space and not made you feel like you had to follow her every directive.
OP responded:
Thank you! that’s exactly how I felt. Like I suddenly became an unpaid intern in my own kitchen. I honestly think if it had been presented as “hey this. Is a sweet old custom, do you want to try?” Instead of “do this exactly or you’re disrespecting dead relatives” , none of this drama would have happened the way it did.
calminthedark says:
NTA, but you knew that. Love the dog bowl. Why did you lock yours away, though? Were you worried crazy SIL would break your plates?
OP responded:
Was about control mostly. She had already decided she ran my kitchen , my rules , time etc. and I suddenly had this very clear mental image of her accidentally breaking my grandmas plates and then telling me it was ‘part of the tradition’ Sorry for not making that clear in my post!!