'My sister has been dating a guy for a year. He makes the entire family uncomfortable.' MAJOR UPDATE

"My [23 F] sister [27 F] has been dating a guy [27 M] for about a year, and he makes the entire family uncomfortable."

Heads up, this is going to be long.

Okay, so let me start off by saying my older sister has never been very mature, but she's always been fun to be around even if she hasn't been the best role model.

Last February, she seemed to really be changing for the better. She started working out, seeing a therapist, broke up with her ab#$ive boyfriend, and was all around starting to take better care of herself. We were thrilled.

She and I have never been very close because we're polar opposites when it comes to personality (I'm outgoing/outspoken, she's painfully shy/insecure), but we finally began forming an adult relationship and I was so happy to have the kind of older sister I could look up to.

Two months later she meets this guy, Jerry, and things go down hill. FAST. She starts pulling away from the family, claiming she's a black sheep and we don't understand her like he does. She starts picking fights over the tiniest things, stops working out, stops seeing her therapist, and stops putting any effort into anything but him.

One of the things that really set this all into motion (I think) was that my mom had booked a beach house vacation for everyone and asked for just family. My sister threw a huge fit, screaming and crying, asking why our older sister's husband (of 7 years) was allowed to go but not her new boyfriend.

My parents tried to be as understanding as possible, and handled it as best they could, but I think she go it into her head that they left him out on purpose. Keep in mind, my younger sister and I also had boyfriends who weren't allowed to come. (Also, my parents had paid for the house and her plane ticket, because she had told them she couldn't afford to come otherwise).

In the past year things have only gotten worse. There have been a couple of instances I'd like to highlight specifically:

The first time we met him, we all went out for a trip to the lake. I tried paddle boarding for the first time, but ended up falling and injuring my hand. I started crying, and he asked to see it. I showed him my hand, which was already swelling and bleeding, which he took into his and proceeded to smack it pretty forcefully.

Then he and my sister started cackling, while I began to sob and my dad took me to the ER. He did not apologize even after finding out it had been severely sprained.

When my mom and little sister stayed with them overnight, he walked into the guest room without knocking while my mom was changing and wearing just a bra and underwear. She was startled and asked him to leave, but he said it wasn't a big deal because she was "basically in a bathing suit." He then hugged her, and left the room.

While my sister [20] went to stay with them, she witnessed him yelling inappropriate things at women jogging while they were driving to a restaurant, and when they returned to my older sister's apartment, Jerry tried to bully my younger sister into smoking w33d with him.

When my pregnant older sister met them at a Christmas party, he stood over her and wouldn't move until she got up to give him a hug. At the same party, he drank 6-8 beers in about 2 hours and then decided they needed to leave to drive back home. He was adamant that only he could drive them home, even with my mom and uncle encouraging my sister to drive instead (my dad wasn't there at the time).

He met my best friend of 20 years for 30 minutes, and then proceeded to speculate that he was on d#$gs and a junky because he went to the bathroom twice between us going to lunch and us leaving the restaurant. When my sister had her baby, he refused to sit to hold the child, insisting he was fine and accusing us of thinking he was too stupid not to drop him.

I went to visit my sister, and before I left he insisted on hugging me. I tried to be friendly, and went in for a hug. He then proceeded to squeeze and shake me. I told him over and over that he was making me uncomfortable, but he wouldn't put me down.

He took a long, noisy whiff of my hair before I finally shoved myself away from him, and he started laughing at my obvious discomfort. I looked to my sister for support, and instead she told me that his hobby was to go up to strangers and sniff their hair and then challenge them if they acted uncomfortable.

He got into a huge row with my aunt about vaccines, and how bad they are and unnecessary. My sister just sat there and twiddled her thumbs. (Keep in mind, my dad used to make vaccines).

When my sister came to visit us the one time this year, he called her in a panic about how his brother was dead from a construction accident. Then it turned into his brother's friend was d**d, and his brother was going to lose his legs.

Then it was his brother's legs were just broken. Then it was his brother was totally fine and was being discharged from the hospital. This all occurred in the span of 24 hours she was with us.

There's so much more, but I could go on forever and I don't really think it's necessary. He lies about everything, then changes his stories, then when he's caught he gets insanely defensive. My sister refuses to talk about it, even when we've tried to approach her about these issues calmly and rationally. She instead sees the fault in us, claiming we're elitist and trying to take away her "one true love."

She has made it clear in the last month that if we do not accept him, we do not accept her, and that she is willing to cut all contact with us to preserve her relationship with him. At this point, I have lost all respect for my sister. She has always been immature, but in the past year she has turned into a manipulative bully.

My parents have tried talking to her, they exchanged emails because she refuses to talk on the phone, but she won't hear a single negative word about him. She keeps attacking my parents like it's their fault. She refuses to respond to their emails now, but continues to send hurtful, malicious emails to them. Is there any way to save this relationship without completely ostracizing her?

TL/DR: My sister's new boyfriend is displaying bullying/manipulative behaviors towards the family, but my sister refuses to see it. She instead has opted to cut off any communication between the family and herself. I just want to know if there's anything we can do.

The internet had OP's back all the way.

humptydumptyfalls wrote:

Yeesh. This guy sounds like a huge creep. It seems like you guys all live in the same area and see each other with some frequency so going no contact may not be feasible. Go for as much reduced contact as possible.

When you do have to hang out with them physically distance yourself, sit across the room, behind a table etc., so he can't physically coerce you into hugs, slap your hand, smell your hair etc. Hang out with them with a third party who will act as a buffer (a male buffer would probably be best, maybe your Dad, I can't imagine he goes around smelling males).

His behavior, especially how he behaves physically, strikes me as being very predatory. He's intentionally testing your comfort zone just to see your reaction. Don't give him the chance to test you comfort zone by physically not being near him.

Unfortunately it doesn't seem like there is much you can do for your sister, she seems like she's intentionally rebelling and will do what she wants. What you can do is help yourself by reducing contact with this creeper and physically distancing yourself when you do have to be in contact.

OP responded:

I think when a person's "hobby" is to make people uncomfortable, there's probably something wrong. I have definitely reduced contact, physically and emotionally, because I'm really tired of her trying to pick fights or complaining. I'm hoping that, if we do see them, my dad will be able to be there to witness his bully-like behavior firsthand. Thank you!

corn_of_action wrote:

Your dad won't see it because he won't do it around your dad.

OP responded:

Yeah he won't do it in front of my dad because he is more comfortable bullying women...

PiratesARGH wrote:

He thinks he can get away with it because he has. If he sniffed a man's hair, he would probably get punched. Violence is my only suggestion if he touches you again. He sounds disgusting.

OP responded:

That's what we said! And my sister has gone back and forth in her defense of it, one moment saying he only does it to his friends, then saying it only happens to strangers. It's so frustrating because she doesn't see how abnormal it is to do it at all!!

serefina wrote:

It sounds like your sister is probably falling into another abusive relationship. You can't stop her if she doesn't want to hear it. What you can, and should do, is stop letting this guy push you all around. It sounds you all have let him get away with way too much inappropriate stuff.

OP responded:

We definitely let him get away with a lot because we were trying not to push my sister away...so much for that.

Two months later, OP shared a big update.

Thanks to everyone who responded to the original post, your advice was appreciated and I really did try to follow it! Well, I wish I could say my sister has come around and everything is better, but in fact everything is much, much worse. Since my last post 2 months ago, my sister has moved (and won't tell us where), is refusing to talk to my parents (specifically my mom).

When we as sisters meet up to hang out, she does a complete 180 whenever any of this trouble with Jerry is brought up. My younger sisters and I have decided to cut contact with her, because her behavior and anger directed towards our parents is unacceptable.

It's also come out recently that she has said some pretty hurtful things about all of us, including that my older sister and her husband are only married because of their son, and that she thinks it would have been better if my parents had stopped having kids after her so they could have paid for her college and all of her needs.

I don't really understand how you can wish people in your family had never been born. I would maybe understand if she was joking, or said it once out of anger, but she's said it multiple times, and seemed serious every time. My oldest sister [31 F], is keeping in contact with her for now. We think she's the only one allowed to see my sister because Jerry thinks that my oldest sister likes him.

My oldest sister and her husband can't stand Jerry, but want to act as the bridge in case my sister ever comes to her senses. I don't know how much of my sister's behavior is influenced by Jerry, or if this is just her deciding to be cruel, but these past couple of months have been really hard. My parents tried to keep everything civil, but my sister seems to have this anger in her.

She's taken to Facebook (pretty juvenile, I know) with declarations of being happy for the first time in her life, and verbally attacking family and friends who post anything that doesn't agree with her opinions wholeheartedly. She's really isolating herself from my family and all but two of her friends (they approve of Jerry, so they're welcome in her life).

Anyway, my mom is done with her behavior. My sister took a trip to Iceland, and when my mom asked her how it was, my sister went off about how she's still upset that the family hates Jerry and she doesn't want to associate with us if we can't accept everything about him. She wouldn't even listen when my mom asked her to explain his behavior.

She was completely irrational, and said some terrible things to intentionally hurt my mom's feelings. I think my dad is still hoping she'll come to her senses. He gets really defensive when any of us bring her up. He's always felt a special attachment to my sister, because they're the only lefties in the family and my sister has tried so hard to be like him.

I understand that, but I think he's hoping for a day that will never come. Personally, I think my sister is comfortable in ab#$ive relationships. She's always been a very manipulative person, and she's always wanted to be the black sheep of the family. Now, with Jerry, she has more of an excuse than ever. I think she's too arrogant a person to even realize how wrong she is about Jerry.

If it seems like I have a lot of animosity towards my sister, it's because she's been intentionally cruel to my family and our family friends these past couple of months. She's said a lot of hurtful things to the people who have been so good to her (including to a friend who is dealing with cancer, and doesn't have time for her shit), and I think even if we are able to forgive her, we aren't going to forget.

Meanwhile, Jerry hasn't tried to contact us and help clear up any misunderstandings. I'm sure he's just enjoying watching my sister implode.

TL;DR- My sister's still madly in love with Jerry, and is continuing to isolate herself from family and friends. We give up.

The internet continued to have OP's back.

Perimeri wrote:

I know its hard to watch your sister making bad choices but she sounds very stubborn and maybe she will learn something out of it. Its hard but if she wants to isolate herself to be with this guy there is nothing you could do. The more you reject him, the more she'll want him.

OP responded:

At this point, I'm not even feeding into it anymore. I blocked her on Facebook, and I don't respond when she texts me (because most of the time, she's just trying to start shit). I just can't stand that she's hurting the people who have been so supportive and kind to her, family or no...

[deleted] wrote:

Do you think Jerry introduced her to any d#$gs?

OP responded:

She does seem a little manic...but I'd hate to jump to that conclusion...

seanfish wrote:

Thanks for coming back on this one. I was very sad to see how your sister's relationship with Jerry was impacting on you in your last post, and it doesn't sound like things were getting better. My impression there and here was that if there will be a change, she'll have to find some kind of rock bottom.

You have to remember that the parts of her that come out under Jerry's influence - the manipulation, the cruelty, the selfishness - are her. Yes, it's easy to blame all of this on Jerry, but the truth is from what you've shared about her he's her enabler as much as she's his.

We all have the capacity to be bad people, although some of us have greater than capacity than others. She's an adult woman who has decided to let it all be about her, and not even consider anyone else's feelings. It feels liberating until all of your relationships are burnt and you're too full of anger and resentment to form new ones. Giving up is hard, but healthy.

OP responded:

She was never really a great sister, and she definitely b*llied me a lot when I was a kid (not in the typical sibling fashion but in a really cruel way) so I can honestly say I'm [not] super surprised at what she's said. She's always known how to hurt people by touching on their biggest insecurities. I think you're right, it's so easy to blame Jerry for everything, but maybe some of it is her too.