Inevitable_Card_9507 writes:
I (26F) have a younger sister, "Bayla" (23F), and we've had a tense relationship for the past ten years. Back when I was six and she was three, our dad (47M) cheated on our mom (47F), which destroyed the family.
My mom was working hard in med school while also trying to parent me, and my dad was the type of man who was resentful that my mom had the audacity to find a way to continue school instead of dropping out and being a wife to him.
Instead of talking to my mom, he became passive-aggressive, would try to sabotage her, and eventually started his affair with my stepmom, "Judy" (44F)—something my mom found out about after coming home and catching them in her bed.
Bayla and I were really young, so my mom decided not to tell us the truth, and Judy used that to get in our good graces. I was always polite but distant, but Bayla was young enough for it to work, and it wasn't long before she started calling Judy "Mom," which really ticked off my mom, but Judy and my dad loved it.
I found out the truth when I was ten and became a lot colder and angrier whenever I had to go to my dad's place. My mom tried to put me into therapy, but Judy and my paternal grandma didn't think it was needed, so my dad wouldn't consent to it—something my mom had to take him to court over.
When Bayla was 13, she started getting on me about refusing to do anything for Judy on Mother's Day, as well as not helping convince our mom to share the day with Judy since "they were both our moms."
I snapped and told her the truth. She didn't believe it at first, but when Judy's brother confirmed it, she sulked about it for about a week before going back to being loving toward Judy. In her words: "It was a long time ago," "Cheating happens," "You can't stop love," and that "everything worked out in the end."
She said that frequently to our mom and started a campaign to try and force her to forgive Dad and accept Judy. She even said that our mom would be a bad mother if she hated our dad and Judy more than she loved her. To her credit, my mom did try, but Judy was such a passive-aggressive mean girl that my mom eventually washed her hands of the situation.
When it was time for Bayla's high school graduation, she gave our mom an ultimatum: either sit next to Judy for the entire ceremony and pay for her and our dad's share of the bill for dinner (my mom was willing to pay for everyone else but them) or she wouldn’t be invited to her graduation at all.
Our mom sat out the graduation and didn’t attend the dinner. Judy made a post about how evil some mothers can be for not putting their child first, which Bayla liked and shared. In response, Mom took back the car she had given Bayla—it was still in her name.
Our mom still paid for Bayla's college tuition, but she refused to pay for her room and board like she did for me, and Bayla accused her of favoritism. After that, Bayla and Mom went VLC, and that's how it's been for years.
During this time, Bayla met, dated, and got engaged to Ethan (26M). She did send Mom an invitation, but I think that was just to get some money out of it. Unfortunately, the engagement was called off because Ethan ended up cheating, and Bayla found out after going to the doctor and discovering she had caught something from him.
Bayla reached out to Mom, but all she got was an "I'm sorry you're going through this" text. Bayla was furious, but I told her that, given how she treated our mom and dismissed what Dad and Judy did, she shouldn’t expect much. Bayla, my dad, Judy, and some paternal relatives are calling me an A, but am I?
Artistic-Tough-7764 says:
NTA - the Forgiveness Bus is a ride set up by people who do awful things and don't want long term consequences.
No_Cockroach4248 says:
NTA, why is Bayla upset? If she can insist your mom should forgive your dad and Judy, she should forgive Ethan and his AP and attend their wedding and send a very expensive present or pay for their wedding dinner.
Beneficial_Test_5917 says:
Dad and his relatives, and Bayla who's been brainwashed from an early age, think you're the bad one. Everyone else without a bias rightly thinks you are NTA. Stick with Mom in this whole mess.
leilamelona says:
NTA. Bayla's treatment of your mom over the years, particularly how she dismissed the pain caused by your dad and Judy's actions, has clearly had a lasting impact on their relationship. Given how she's acted and the choices she made. It's understandable that your mom's response to Bayla's engagement fallout wouldn't be as supportive as she might have hoped.