'AITA for asking my sister to give me my money back after her husband made fun of my wife's scars?' UPDATED 2X

"AITA for asking my sister to give me my money back after her husband made fun of my wife's scars?"

My sister had borrowed money from me almost a year ago for her husband's surgery and healthcare, they couldn't afford it so when my sister asked me for financial help I was hesitant but I helped her because she's my sister and helping her husband would mean helping her as well.

I told her back then that I am hesitating but I will help her, she said she'll return the money in 3 months but she didn't and I didn't ask her either. So now I brought it up again, I wasn't planning on asking to return the money but her husband made fun of my wife's scars.

My wife has small scars on her hand, it's not serious just small scars she inflicted on herself when she was 15, I was with her back then and put a stop to it. We are 27 both and my BIL made fun of my wife when he asked her if she's still childish and asked her to cover up her hands because it's unpleasant for everyone.

Both of our families were speechless and my wife was as well, I said when we are young we do dumb stuff and he's drunk so he should just shut up. He got a bit more aggressive and said that it's still unpleasant and my wife should cover up, I retaliated in my anger and told him that my wife will start covering her scars when he gives me my money back.

TBH I get angry easily and I wanted to insult him, my wife was holding me to stop but I told her to shut up, I ended up telling him that he's a poor and weak man who couldn't even afford his own surgery and had his wife beg for money to her brother.

He got even more angry and he said he will give me my money, I said 'do it right now but you can't because you can't even walk properly.' Our families were interfering and my sister was crying, I shut my mouth because I didn't want my sister to cry, since then my sister is asking me to apologise because I hurt his ego and he's in foul mood and depressed.

I told my sister that I will never apologise and he needs to apologise to my wife and I asked her that both of them owe me money and I want it back as soon as possible and I don't care if they are poor.

The internet was invested in the situation.

Adventurous-Smile251 wrote:

NTA ok telling your wife to shut up is not on, but, I also get the fact that you were defending her and wanted to hurt him. I get the anger when it comes to protecting family. When someone goes low on my family, I scrape the barrels of hell.

OriginalAgitated7727 wrote:

NTA. Your brother-in-law can dish it out...but he can't take it. He should try to be more respectful to someone who was kind enough to loan him money AND not ask for it back after 4x the agreed timetable of repayment on the loan had expired.

notastepfordwife wrote:

It is difficult to overcome the stigma of SH scars. I have many, and they're covered in various ways. If someone mocked my inability to manage my life...I think it would break me again. No matter how old I get, my attachment to living is tenuous at best.

My husband, light of my life, knows this, and can be very, very protective. It doesn't matter who it is, he will absolutely fight for me. You are not in the wrong. Your wife will always need you in her corner. Remind your family that the things that can drive you to SH can happen instantaneously. Make them remember that. Take from them the same dignity and respect they took from your wife.

selkiesart wrote:

I stopped covering mine up. Let them stare. I survived shit most of the people staring can't even comprehend. I survived my own head trying to kill me on a daily base. Every time someone makes a mean remark about my scars, I either give them a long, disdainful stare or ask them if they feel better now. Because, the comments say more about the people commenting than they do about you.

Four days later, OP shared an update.

It's an update for those who don't want to read my previous post, my wife has some small self harm scars from her childhood and my BIL insulted my wife and asked her to cover them up and when I couldn't tolerate the disrespect I asked him to give me the money i lent him for his surgery and healthcare.

After my BIL insulted my wife and asked her to cover her scars I wanted him to pay me my money back as soon as possible, my BIL and my sister said they'll give me my money back in 3 months and it's been a year and still they didn't. My wife told me today that my bil called her and he apologized to her so I shouldn't ask for money because they can't afford it and I should forgive them.

I told my wife that he's taking advantage of your kindness and he apologized to you because he can't afford to pay and he insulted you in front of everyone and we deserve a public apology and my wife said that she's forgiven him and doesn't want the money back and they need that money more than us.

I told her to stay away from this and let me do my thing I will ask them again and again until they pay but my wife said she doesn't want to and I shouldn't either and I should be the bigger person after BIL apologized and she's forgiven him.

Actually, I don't care if I get my money back, I am just using it to get back at him, I want to humiliate him just like he humiliated my wife in front of our families but my wife doesn't want that.

So AITA if I ask for my money and go behind my wife's back?

The commenters had a lot to say in response.

Last-Dragonfly-3249 wrote:

They should pay you back bc you let them borrow from the kindness of your hearts. I totally get where you’re coming from but the family drama is probably stressing your wife out, I think her mental health/ happiness is more priority than humiliation.

The humiliation could also make her feel guilty even tho it’s not her doing but technically it’s bc of her. Love that you’re defending her tho! BTW, your sister's husband is TA.

TheRealRedParadox wrote:

I mean, there’s two avenues of thought here. While your wife has forgiven him, you don’t have to. And are well within your right to do so. Is this situation worth putting you at odds with your wife? You could just let it go to appease your wife and then keep him at arms length and low contact from now on.

trapped_4_life wrote:

And never lend him or your sister money for anything ever again. No matter what the reason. In the end, they said they would pay it back within 3 months and they haven’t and it’s been significantly longer. You didn’t gift them the money, you loaned it. You have every right to demand they pay you back, even if he hadn’t disrespected your wife.

He’s manipulating your wife and it’s disgusting of him. But you need to decide if it’s worth what it will do to you the relationship you have with your wife. Only you can decide that but definitely never give them money again no matter what they say.

A week and a half later, OP shared another update.

TL;DR of my previous posts, my BIL who I lent money to for his surgery insulted my wife in front of our families about her childhood scars and she should cover it up because it's unpleasant.

I humiliated him back and i wanted to humiliate him again by making him pay but my wife didn't want that. After my BIL made fun of my wife and my wife's insistence that I should forgive and forget about the money, we had major disagreements and we argued about it.

I said I won't escalate anymore and I won't humiliate him for humiliating us but it's fair that I ask for my money back, it's my money and they should pay right? My wife said she wants no escalation and wants to let it go, it's up to them if they pay us back on their own but we won't ask them to or force them like I was planning.

I told my wife that we could use that money, it's ours and we could use it but she said she doesn't care anymore, he's family and I should forgive him, I said she's angry and she wants me to let it go so she's in charge of the money, it's her decision whether she wants it back or not but I never want to see my BIL ever again and if he pulls something like this ever again he'll need another surgery on his other leg as well.

I called my sister and told her that if she ever plans to give me the money i lent to her she should give it to my wife because I don't want anything to do with her or her pathetic husband. So yeah that's about it, my wife is happy with my decision but I am still pissed about everything that happened in these weeks.

The comments kept coming.

willnary44 wrote:

NTA bro. Your BIL crossed the line hard, making fun of ur wife’s scars is disgusting. You handled it the best way u could considering your wife wanted peace. Giving her the control over the money shows you respect her.

OP responded:

Yes he crossed the line, he insulted my wife in front of me (not that it matters if he insulted me or behind my back) but I saved his life, not only he his living his life because of me he insulted my wife and now he doesn't even have to pay me back, I get so pissed every time I think about this.

_maxwell_ wrote:

I've watched enough day time court TV to know a gift is a gift and can't be taken back lol, but making comments about him being too broke to take care of himself is free game.

OP responded:

I did, I insulted him about being broken and not being able to pay back and can't even walk properly anymore after I saved his life and I wanted to insult him more but I can't because of my wife, I kinda resent her for her decision but it it makes her happy then I will just let it go. I'll just think of it another expenses of my wife, I am sure I will never see my money ever again.

Which-Lion7637 wrote:

Lending money to anyone (family or not family) is always a gamble. We have no idea if the recipient will be grateful or not. If possible, do try to get the money back. It was a loan and not a gift. After that, go low contact with sister and no contact with brother-in-law.

OP responded:

Ohh no, I am 100% sure that they won't pay back and even if they do my wife will never accept it, she has always been a soft woman.

[deleted] wrote:

If it's making you resent your wife, it doesn't sound like you can just let it go. Your feelings should have equal importance to your wife's, especially since this involves your money and your family. Maybe you need to have another talk with your wife. If it were her money and her family insulting her, I would say okay.

But that was your money and your side of the family. You deserve a say and your wife should respect you enough to let you handle your money and your side of the family how you see fit. Your wife needs to see she needs to be team you guys and not just all about letting people trample on the both of you just to avoid confrontation. Hopefully your wife will come around and you can move past the resentment.

OP responded:

I do not resent my wife i cant resent her, but i resent her decision, my wife has made her decision and my opinion over hers doesn't matter to me, she wants to forgive him and wants forget about the money he owes me, she's in charge now if my sis and her husband wants to pay us back they'll pay to my wife.

And I will avoid confrontation, I don't want to talk to my sister or her pathetic husband, my wife will and I hope she doesn't get insulted again.