'AITA for telling my sister I don't care if her weird husband doesn't approve of me?' MAJOR UPDATE: HUSBAND CONFRONTED
"AITAH for blowing up at my sister because her husband is a weirdo?"
ThrowRAmysistersucks writes:
I (26f) live in a small town with a LOT of family. Aunts, uncles, cousins, grandparents—basically everyone related to me lives here. My sister “Lilia” (28f) married her husband “Shawn” (31m) last year. I don’t know him very well, but I don’t have a problem with him either.
Every other weekend, my mom hosts a party-type thing for the whole family. There’s food, decorations, music, etc. Everyone has a blast. A few months ago, my sister started acting kind of strange at these parties. Her husband isn’t a very social person from what I can tell. He usually stands off to the side, sometimes without food.
Lilia started making comments (usually to our immediate family, but sometimes to anyone who’ll listen) about how “Shawn thinks the decorations look tacky” or “Shawn thinks the music is too loud.” At first, it was basically harmless, but the comments got worse and worse. She started saying things like that outside of family parties, too.
The weekend before last, she made small talk for a while before saying, “Hmm, Shawn doesn’t look like he’s having a good time. I don’t think he likes the food very much. I can’t really blame him, we don’t usually eat at low-class restaurants like yours.”
Her comments always pissed me off, but this one really pushed me. My mom works really hard to make delicious food for these parties. She’s a chef at Olive Garden. I guess my mom could tell I was getting upset, so she pulled me aside and told me not to say anything to Lilia, that it wasn’t a big deal, stuff like that. I respected her wishes, even though I really wanted to stand up for her.
Last week, Lilia called and said Shawn’s best friend is getting married. I’m a wedding planner, and she wants me to plan the wedding. I said sure. This weekend, Shawn’s best friend and his fiancée had a joint bachelor and bachelorette party. Lilia is a bridesmaid. She invited me to come along so I could meet the bride and groom, and probably officially become their wedding planner.
When I arrived at the club, Lilia immediately grabbed my wrist and pulled me to the bathroom. She said, “Shawn isn’t happy. No one will take you seriously as a wedding planner if you dress like a slut. You embarrassed him, and now [the groom] will blame him for recommending a sh$%ty planner!”
I had enough of her at that point. It felt like she was just using Shawn as an excuse to voice her own opinions. I said, “If Shawn thinks I’m a sh%#ty wedding planner for dressing normally for a damn club, he can get [the groom] a new wedding planner.” I walked out and went home. AITAH?
Here are the top rated comments.
Psychological-Bar-51 says:
Is Shawn a telepath? Or a very talented ventriloquist who talks about himself in the third person through your sister. NTA always stand up for yourself and your family.
Astyryx says:
I don't think they should triangulate, I think they should go get Shawn and being him into the conversation. Then they can see how the dynamic works. Is sister upset because she's been caught in lies? Is she bewildered because he's denying he ever said anything? I hope someone does some testing before just dumping her. Sister may be a pathological liar, or she may be deep in mental abuse.
HauntingReaction6124 says:
Does your sister feel she married up when she married Shawn? Seems she is doing a lot of talking for Shawn and yet no one really heard this guy say anything. Makes me wonder if sis feels ashamed of her family.
trolleydip says:
Shawn is just quiet in a corner. That is his behavior. Your sister is oversharing, or maybe even using Shawn as an excuse to be rude. Either way, she is a jerkface. I don't think its particularly professional to walk out on a meeting. But if you already decided that you don't want them as clients, its your right.
OP posted an update a day later.
I ended up inviting Shawn and Lilia out to lunch. Lilia was still a little upset that I had “dressed like a slut” at the club, but mostly things went fine. Before we left, I asked Shawn if he thought my outfit at the club was inappropriate.
He said no. I asked if he thought my mother’s cooking was bad. He said no again, this time looking more confused. Before I could ask him about another comment, Lilia grabbed his arm and pulled him up. She said they had to go.
Shawn looked even more confused and told Lilia he wanted to hear what I was going to ask next. She looked visibly angry, and after I asked him if he thought the decorations were tacky, Lilia said, “If you’re not coming, I’m leaving without you.” She ran to the car before either of us could stop her.
Shawn was really confused now and asked why I thought he didn’t like the food, etc. I told him the whole story of how Lilia was telling me and my immediate family that he was saying rude things.
He looked completely shocked. He said he never said any of those things, and that he thinks the parties are wonderful. He explained that he’s just a little antisocial and gets nervous around people he doesn’t know well, which I totally get. He apologized if anything he did was offensive, but I said there was no need for an apology.
I gave him a ride home (Lilia had taken off with their car). When we got there, my sister’s car wasn’t in the driveway. I went to my mom’s house next to drop off some stuff I had for her in the car. When I got there, Lilia’s car was parked outside. She was sitting at the dining table crying, and my mom was doing her best to comfort her.
When my sister saw me, she started crying even harder. I sat down and waited until she could calm down. When she finally did, I gently asked why she was saying all those things. Lilia said, “I don’t know. To make you hate him, I guess.”
My mom asked why she wanted us to hate him. She kept replying to our questions with “I don’t knows” before admitting the truth. She said she’d been feeling jealous since our brother “Eric” got married. She felt like he was getting all the attention, especially when his wife announced her pregnancy.
She also said Eric was always the “golden child” growing up, and she wanted people to notice her “just this once.” I never thought he was the golden child; in fact, Lilia seemed to be favored over him, but maybe I was too wrapped up in my own stuff to notice.
My sister decided to stir up some drama to get the attention back on her. She used Shawn because no one in the family knew him very well, and it was easy because he doesn’t interact with a lot of people. She claims she wanted the attention so badly, even if it was negative. She wanted to see how far we’d let her go before one of us snapped.
After a long talk, she promised never to do anything like this again and admitted she mostly did all this out of resentment toward Eric for always stealing the spotlight. My mom promised to pay more attention to her, and she apologized if she ever made Lilia feel like Eric was better than her. We all hugged it out.
Earlier tonight, Lilia called me and said she and Shawn were going to try couples therapy, and she was going to get individual therapy for herself. I said I was happy for her and that she can come to me if she ever needs anything. I guess that’s it. I’ll update again if anything else happens!