Narcissistic sister’s double life exposed by shared bedroom and careless messages. AITA? + UPDATE
"My sister is cheating on her BF."
Apologies, this will be long. My(21F) sister (26F) and her bf have been dating for around 7 years now. It’s at the point that he’s become family and we all get along with him very well.
To give some context, years ago, her bf decided to break it off because her mental state has become too much for him. He didn’t think he could handle or help her, and during that time I suppose he started talking to other people.
However, my sister had ended up cutting herself (nothing fatal, but enough to make a scene) saying that if he left her, she cannot live without him. He felt overwhelmed and pressured, so they got back together. It’s been a long time and they’ve been close to normal.
A month or so ago, my sister had a conversation with me that sometimes she gets the urge to get revenge on him for “cheating” on her (talking to other people after leaving) and cheating back on him.
I thought that was immature and childish to do and if she was still hurt over what he had done, then she should break it off with him. It’s well known that my sister can be quite selfish, narcissistic, and absorbed. She herself admits to this and she’s done a lot of bad to our family in those regards.
Recently, her boyfriend got suspicion because she had started playing with groups of guys online. She told him it was nothing, but as we share a room, I’ve seen the truth of it. They are long distance so when she puts him to bed on call, she goes on a separate phone and talks to the other guy.
Now, she sleeps with them both on call, out of frame from each other. She spends hours in the bathrooms and started suspicious behaviors around the house. She’s been neglecting a lot of responsibilities and giving the people around her hot and cold treatment.
I’ve seen texts from this other guy show up on her devices and it’s become apparent she’s cheating on him. My dilemma is whether or not I should tell her boyfriend. So here are my thoughts:
I’ve talked to family and friends, my mother is extremely disappointed in her behavior and her sudden loss of ambition towards any future. However, she feels like it’s not our place to tell him and my sister would hate me forever if I did.
Friends have told me that it’s the right thing to do while others too made note to mention that it could damage our relationship. I’ve thought about that and honestly my sister has not always been the best person to me.
Especially when a guy is around, she becomes increasingly ruder and the only exception to that has been her current bf. I often think about the things she’s done to others and find it hard to see her in good light. I think most of my closeness with her comes out of obligation because family, so I feel I am willing to risk that relationship.
I understand that it’s technically not my business, but im someone with a high moral compass. My sister and I have spoken to each other a lot, frowning on people who cheat but she also isn’t the kind of person I can have an open conversation with about this.
I feel that since her boyfriend is not just someone passing through but close to a family member now, her decision to cheat is something that affects all of the people around her and not just them.
It’s to the extent that our younger brother (5M) has noticed the other guy and frequently asks for her boyfriend as well. She shows him us and tells him our information, but refuses to tell anyone about him. It also impacts me greatly because we do share a room and it’s been exceedingly uncomfortable and bothersome to do so while she’s cheating.
As for proof, my sister recently lost her main phone and put her apps on my mother’s ipad. There were messages and explicit photos that they have sent back and forth to each other, that I can send to her boyfriend as confirmation.
The hardest part now is deciding when and whether or not to do this. I can’t really tell him anonymously, because the evidence makes it apparent that it’s someone who’s around her personally but if anything, I'd like to ask him to try and keep me out of it past informing him. (I am afraid of what my sister would do to me or my belongings).
He’s the only guy she’s had who’s treated me like a human being. He’s like a brother to me, kept me safe on trips in unfamiliar places, and cares for her entire family. I feel like he deserves to know and we owe it to him.
He shouldn’t be strung along, especially since it’s been years down the drain already and he’s already had a suspicion. I feel pretty dead set on telling him, and I feel as though the repercussions wouldn’t be my fault for putting the info out there, it’s over the fact she’s done this in the first place.
It’s disgusting me the longer I have to hear her talk to him innocently as though she hasn’t done anything wrong and I know she’d be furious if he did the same thing. Seeking some opinions.
Here were the top rated comments from readers in response to the OP’s initial post:
You're in a tough spot, but morally, I think you're right to want to speak up. Cheating isn't just an individual betrayal, it's a betrayal to everyone who cares about the people involved. I've been in a similar situation before, where a close friend was in a toxic relationship and I saw the damage being done. I chose to speak up, even though it strained our friendship.
In the end, the truth came out and it was better for everyone in the long run. While it's a hard decision, standing by your values and doing what's right is always the best course of action. Your sister's behavior is disrespectful to not just her boyfriend, but to you and the rest of the family as well. You don’t owe her silence, especially when it's at the expense of someone who's been kind to you. NTA.
blueming_el (OP)
thank you for sharing your experience too. I do love her, im not trying to play it off as though the bad traits or things she’s done defines her totally. we’ve had our sister moments. but there’s more than enough bad things she’s done too and her boyfriend has never been anything but kind and considerate. It’s been breaking me to think we might lose him, but he deserves to live a happy and faithful life.
NTA, but YWBTA if you don't tell him.
Fifteen days later, the OP returned with an update.
My mom offered one more time for us to talk to her because she didn’t feel that I should tell her boyfriend. But she seemed unhappy about doing so and also suggested I do so alone. I texted my sister the same premise.
That it’s wrong, to imagine how she would feel, and how it’s affecting the entire family because he’s family to us. I explained how we used to talk together about how it was horrible people could do this, that I was disappointed and broken that I felt like I lost that person.
I told her I was here for her to talk to. Then I gave her the ultimatum for two days, since she already had a week. She never answered me, but went to my mother going ballistic about how we are giving her no time, how no one cares or loves her, how she’s going to leave here, and that no one spends time with her, which isn’t true.
She even brought up old relationships she had to throw in my mother’s face for not knowing what went on, therefore she’s not someone she can trust or talk to because she didn’t support her. I gave her an extension because she said she felt pressured, but I thought that was being generous because it’s the consequences of her own actions.
These few days, she’s been low energy, but nonetheless she did not end up telling him. Everyone else is starting to act like things are normal again but I have to live in there with it so I feel upset.
I noticed that while my sister had not told her boyfriend, she is also continuing to pursue the relationship with the other guy and it’s a pattern that my family will confront her, witness her victimizing and then let it pass. I feel that she believes I’m not serious about it and that if she acts as though she’s innocent then she can continue to get away with everything.
I feel horrible for her boyfriend. He texted me wondering what has been going down, but I told him it was something he should hear from her. I can’t believe that his perspective is not unknown to her and she still continues to cheat.
Have you no shame or care about other people? I’m not going to lie, everyone going normal has been messing with my head because now I feel like if I tell, I’ll be causing a ripple in still water. But someone is still being kept oblivious, robbed of their time, and how can I live with myself knowing I’ve let it happen, just like everyone else did.
Here were the top rated comments from readers in response to the OP’s update:
She INSTANTLY went and painted you and your mum as horrible people to him. Stop giving her chances and extensions and tell him today!
She INSTANTLY went and painted you and your mum as horrible people to him. Stop giving her chances and extensions and tell him today!
blueming_el (OP)
Hearing her say that broke me to hear. both my mom and I have been trying to be kind about it. we remind her we love her and care, and that we are here to spend time and take her out if she ever needed it. that we are giving her the push to do the right thing because we know she’s capable of better and then this.