'My sister is mad because her daughter likes the nickname I gave her more than her real name.' UPDATED 2X

"My [30F] sister [38F] is suddenly mad at me because her daughter [7F] likes the nickname I gave her more than her real name."

Let me say from the beginning that I do not think I have a right to tell my sister how to parent. If she wants her kid to be called name a instead of name b, that's her decision, not mine. However, this situation is a little odd, and I'm not sure how to feel or how to proceed.

I feel I should point out that I love my sister, but she is a narcissist. It was terrible to grow up with her, and she made our lives difficult until she finished college and moved out. Our family is well aware that she originally had a child to "snag" her husband (who is very passive and co-dependent) and to get attention.

Although she definitely loves her daughter, Jordan, and takes decent care of her, my sister is not an empathetic person and isn't the most attentive mom, so her daughter has become attached to a few other people in the family. That seems to be how Jordan's emotional needs are met. For some reason, kids like me, and she has gotten very attached to me in particular.

(My mom says it's because I do things for her her parents don't usually do, like read to her and let her play with my makeup.) Now, when Jordan was a baby, she could be very mischievous and goofy, so I would sometimes say, "Aren't you just a little Beelzebub?" At no point did this offend my sister or brother-in-law, even when my sister asked what "Beelzebub" meant and I told her.

When Jordan began taking, she'd repeat the word back as "Beezy," and it stuck. From then on, she was "my Beezy," "Beezy-boo," "Beezy Wheezy has a Sneezey," all of the ridiculous shit you say to toddlers. Then Jordan got a little older and went to kindergarten, and she started telling people to call her Beezy instead of Jordan.

Again, nobody in the family had a problem with this. The teachers and other students all called her Beezy without issue. Jordan is finishing first grade, and we were having a little party to celebrate the summer last week. At the party, Jordan asked if she could out on some lipgloss, and I said, "Go ask your mom, Beezy."

My sister suddenly snapped and started yelling at me to stop calling her daughter that "ridiculous" name, because I was calling her the devil and all of the other kids make fun of her for it. Jordan got mad and said she didn't want to be called Jordan, she hated that name, and my sister told her that was her name and that was what she was going to be called.

Nobody in immediate earshot knew what to do then, so we all kind of sat around uncomfortably and ate our food. I later asked my sister why she didn't want me using a nickname for her daughter, especially since her daughter liked it a lot and felt it suited her.

She came up with two excuses that I think are complete BS: It comes from "Beelzebub," which means the devil. I would get this if my sister was really religious, but she's what I call "conveniently religious." She doesn't go to church, has never read the Bible, and knows next to nothing about the religion.

She just mentions God and Jesus whenever it's convenient for her, especially if she's trying to shame somebody. (For instance, we had a fight about something completely unrelated, and suddenly I'm a "terrible atheist" who needs to "find Jesus" because I believe in evolution.) My sister had zero problems with this nickname until this moment.

Also, she is now claiming she named Jordan for the river Jordan, but that's a complete lie. She got the name out of a book of baby names that just listed names by letter. Honestly, the only Bible stories she really knows are Noah's ark, Exodus, and the virgin birth; the rest is just her parroting what other people say.

The other kids are making fun of her for the "stupid" name. I know this isn't true because I work at the school my niece attends. We live in a diverse area, so the kids have names from a huge range of cultures and languages, and nobody bats an eye at "Beezy." The teachers and other students have called her Beezy for two years now without issue.

She is very popular at her school, too, and gets along well with a lot of the other children. Really, I'm just not sure what to do or what to make of this. I can't force my niece to use her birth name, can I? And I get the feeling this isn't about the name, but is more about my sister's possessiveness and jealousy.

TL;DR I gave my niece Jordan a nickname (Beezy) when she was born, it stuck, and now lots of people call her that and she likes it more than her birth name. My sister was fine with it until this last year. I'm not sure what to do, since her daughter is the one who tells people to call her Beezy and I think my sister is maybe more upset over my relationship with my niece.

The internet had a lot to say in response.

LtCdrReteif wrote:

I'll give you an alternative. When the flagship displays the signal flags B and Z (called Bravo Zulu in the Navy) It stands for "well done" and is high compliment. Use Beezy to stand for that and it get rid of the demon connotation.

OP responded:

That's really nice!

tryingtotumblr wrote:

Do you think your sister could be getting jealous? From the background you gave, she sounds like she lives for attention. Maybe she is upset that her daughter likes something you gave her more than she did. Like a pride/ego thing.

She could be trying to sound like a good mom, even though she obviously isn't. I don't really have any advice for you except to do what feels right. Freedom of Speech exists for a reason! It's a cute nickname and honestly, your sister is making a fuss about this for probably some stupid reason.

OP responded:

I do think a lot of it is jealousy. One of the main reasons why she had a baby was to get attention (and we know it because she's always been that way).

She loved people cooing over her when she was pregnant, she liked being able to complain about every little thing and people would excuse it because she was pregnant, and when she had Jordan and people would come up to her to tell her her baby was cute, she'd always turn it around so the focus would end up at least partially on her.

All of Jordan's achievements are about her abilities as a mother. Part of me wonders if she's starting to become jealous of her daughter, or if she's jealous because her daughter likes me, but I don't know what to do.

birbqueen wrote:

"But is more about my sister's possessiveness and jealousy."

I think you're definitely correct. Your sister might've been okay with this before because you were the only one to use this nickname with her.

However, now others are aware she might see it as derogatory and disgraceful to her/her daughter's name. I think your sister is using excuses to cover up the fact that it bothers her for other reasons. If your niece is okay with it, then that's all that should matter.

I'd tell your sister that you understand why it might bother her, but that it's unfair that Jordan has become accustomed to this name that she likes for her mother to then tell her that you're not allowed to use it.

OP responded:

"It's unfair that Jordan has become accustomed to this name that she likes for her mother to then tell her that you're not allowed to use it."

I don't really understand what she expects me to do, honestly. Does she expect me to tell my niece she has to go by Jordan? Because that's not my job and I don't think me saying that is going to force my niece to drop Beezy.

The next day, OP shared an update.

First, I want to thank everybody for their suggestions and opinions in my original post. They really helped me tangle with some difficult issues that had been on my mind for a week. I didn't go too in to detail about my sister's narcissism and how she tends to behave around Jordan because I didn't want to make the post too long. I should have been more clear.

And somebody asked where Jordan's father is. He works night shift six days a week, so he makes my niece dinner before he goes to work, then packs her lunch and sends her off to school in the morning when he gets home. They go to church with his family once or twice a month and they like to garden together.

I don't talk to him a lot because he's usually sleeping during the day and I don't go to their house very much. This update is going to need some back story that I should make clear from the start for a change. Jordan's father is Black, and his family is very religious and very in to representing their culture and heritage. The church does a lot of spirituals, and his family likes singing them at home, too.

Jordan loves them, her favorite is "Go Down Moses." She also likes a lot of songs from old musicals we watch together, like Porgy and Bess and Show Boat, that reference the struggles of sl-very.

When she was about 4 or 5, my sister realized she loved those songs and would always sing them, and she tried telling her husband that Jordan was not allowed to listen to "that type of music," or watch movies about sl-very or read books about it, because my sister "wasn't raised that way."

My BIL is usually really passive, but this was one moment where he stood up to my sister and told her that their daughter is half-black and can trace her heritage back to the plantations, so ignoring her heritage wasn't going to happen.

My sister will regularly pick this fight with her husband when Jordan starts liking something from African American culture that my sister doesn't like. (But if it's something my sister does like, like a Beyonce song? No complaints.) After my sister yelled at me at the picnic (it was last Saturday, I'm sorry I wasn't clear).

I didn't watch Jordan for a few days, partly because I was busy and partly because I thought I should give my sister some space. This was easy because it's summer and I'm not taking Jordan home from school right now. She spent a lot of time with my mother and her other grandmother instead.

Shortly after I posted my original post, I sent my sister a few text messages to see how she was doing and what she'd been up to, and she sent back, "Don't think I don't know what you're up. I haven't changed my mind about that stupid name." I told her that was fine, she was Jordan's mother and I'd respect her wishes.

She sent another message saying, "Her name is Jordan, nothing else, because that's what I named her." That text becomes relevant later. Her other grandmother actually dropped Jordan off at my house this morning, and she said something like, "Hey, Beezy, tell your aunt all about the bugs you found!" I was so shocked to hear that name after it had been supposedly banned.

My niece told me all about the grasshoppers she'd caught and everything, and then she ran to the back bedroom to get something. I asked her grandmother if my sister had spoken to her about her nickname and reminded her about the picnic, and she was like, "Oh, she was serious about that? That doesn't make sense, we've been calling her Beezy all week, right in front of her mom, too."

I asked her what my sister had been calling her, and she gave me a weird look and said, "Beezy and JP, like usual. Why?"

Before she left, my sister's mother in law mentioned that my sister had yelled at her this past week, too.

Apparently, MIL and Jordan had been watching TV at my sister's house, and a black woman with corn rows came on screen. Jordan told her grandmother she loved her hair, MIL said her cousin could do her hair like that if she wanted, my sister got angry and said there was no way her hair was getting put in corn rows.

MIL asked what was wrong, and my sister said she didn't know how to take care of corn rows, so it wasn't happening. MIL told her her son (my sister's husband) used to have corn rows and knew all about them, and she could teach my sister about how to take care of them. Then my sister said, "Well, I don't like how they look."

Jordan said, "Aunt Bebe has hair like that and she looks really pretty. Don't you think I'd look pretty?" Apparently, my sister just said "No, and don't you do her hair like that, it's hideous" (you being the grandmother and her family). Jordan's grandmother said she didn't push the issue because she's not the girl's mother, but she knew it hurt Jordan's feelings, and she was pretty upset about it as well.

As soon as Jordan's grandmother left, I texted my sister and said, "I'm only to call her Jordan, right?"

"Right."

I was furious, but a few users made a good point. Living with a narcissistic parent is never easy. My niece and I are close and I don't want our relationship cut off. So I need to pick my battles. So once Jordan was all played out and relaxed, I said, "Honey, we need to have a talk about your name. Mommy really wants me to call you Jordan, and I think it's important that we do what she says."

My niece got really upset and said that wasn't fair, her mom called her Beezy herself and everybody else did, all of her friends call her Beezy, the name is special to her, she loves fairies and it's always reminded her of fairies (that got me right in the gut), she hates the name Jordan, it was a real mess.

So finally I said, "Well, what would happen if I stopped calling you Beezy?" She said names like that are magical and special, so if I stopped calling her Beezy, she wouldn't be special or magical anymore.

I told her she's special no matter what, but she was still upset. I was scrambling for a minute and then I realized, well, if she wants her name to be magical, we can do that. I asked her if she wanted to make Jordan special, too.

When she eventually agreed, we listened to some of her favorite songs that mention the River Jordan, and I said, "See? Jordan is really special in these songs!" That did the trick. She was thrilled. I think I heard Old Man River a dozen times, but it was worth it. Victory! I figured we were all done with this. I could safely call her Jordan, the battle was avoided, so on and so on.

Of course not. An hour ago I got a visit from a very pissed off sister. Apparently, Jordan told her mom all about the songs and how her name was special because of them, and now my sister is telling me I can't call her Jordan. I asked her why, and she said something like, "She likes the name now because of those Black people songs! I hate that music!"

I said, "I'm really sorry, but Jordan loves it, and it was the only way I could get her to accept me calling her Jordan instead of Beezy."

She kept ranting on about how that was too bad, she hated that music, she wasn't raised with black culture, etc. At no point did she mention my niece's feelings.

I finally asked her, if I can't call her the name she wants to be called and I can't call her her birth name, what am I supposed to call her? And she just stared at me, completely blank, for I don't know how long, and then she said in a real nasty voice, "Just call her whatever you want, then." Five minutes later, she's totally calm and asking me to watch my niece again in a few days so she can go shopping.

And by the way, she called her Beezy almost the whole time she was there. It was bizarre. I was a wreck about this comment at the picnic for almost a week and now things seem much more clear. For me, this confirms that the problem wasn't "Beezy" at all. My sister is picking fights like this because she's a first class narcissist.

She is jealous that her daughter has a good relationship with other people, and she's mad that her daughter is becoming her own person. Jordan likes something her mom doesn't like? PISSED OFF. Picking a fight with the adults around makes her feel like she's in control of Jordan again, but doesn't directly come off as yelling at her daughter.

When I look back, this fits a real pattern of behavior for her. The good thing (I don't know what else to call it) is that my sister will rarely watch her daughter for more than one full day at a stretch before she gets frustrated or bored, so I know she won't cut me off.

She depends on me too much for child care. I'm just going to try and be there for Jordan as much as I can, and I won't say it out loud, but when she turns 18, she's welcome to move in with me. She can move in with corn rows and a Beezy name tag while she sings "Swing Low Sweet Chariot" at the top of her fucking lungs. That feels like the right thing to do.

TL;DR Jordan's grandmother revealed that everyone (including my sister) has been calling her Beezy and JP all week without any problems. Got my niece to accept the name Jordan and my sister picked a fight. Now realizing my sister picks fights to feel like she's in control of her daughter. I will allow my niece to move in with me if she wants when she turns 18.

The internet did not hold back one bit.

Moodada wrote:

You're a good aunt. Your sister seems surprisingly r@cist considering the circumstances...

retxz responded:

Maybe OP's sister didn't have a problem with it until she realized that Beezy isn't going to be a little "mini-me" because her father is black. Every connection she has to her father and her African American heritage is a reminder that she isn't an asexually reproduced clone of her mother.

OP responded:

I think this is her real problem. When I look back, it becomes more and more clear that my sister gets irritated when her daughter isn't an extension of herself.

murdocjones wrote:

Woooow. The name thing was bad enough, but the fact that your sister is disparaging anything related to your niece's heritage (and out of sheer r*cism/narcissism) is way worse. She's going to wind up destroying that child's self esteem.

OP responded:

I'm glad she has her father and his side of the family.

bravepig responded:

Yeah, it sounds like they are a great influence in this situation. Could you have a one-on-one conversation with your BIL about all this directly?

OP responded:

I don't know if we're close enough for it help more than hurt. He's nice, but he's very attached to my sister despite her behavior.

bravepig responded:

It sounds like you have a good relationship with his mom (Beezy's grandma) though. That will be important the next time your sister throws a tantrum.

OP responded:

We don't spend a lot of time together unless it is a family function, but she is so nice and intelligent. We respect each other. I went to school with one of her other children (the 'Aunt Bebe' my niece mentioned) and we're still close.

bravepig responded:

Nurture those relationships. Your niece is lucky to have good people in her life, and she'll need you if her mom is that difficult.

A year later, OP shared another update.

The last time I posted on this throwaway I got a lot of really great advice, so I thought I would come back. To make this as quick as possible: my sister is a narcissist and an aloof mother to her niece. We call my niece Beezy. For the record, it has become very clear to me over this past year that my sister picks fights with me and uses my niece as collateral.

She seems to do it for attention, to play the victim, and to assert her primacy as Beezy's parent. She doesn't actually care about what she picks fights about. The fight about niece's nickname, for example, quickly blew over when I came up with a solution and the family wasn't willing to keep fighting over it.

She has since picked several fights, I have always told her I would defer to her judgment as the parent, and she would almost immediately deflate and "let it go" because I wasn't taking the bait. This time, though, I think she might have a legitimate grievance and I'm not sure how to approach it.

Beezy went back to school last week. Today, when I was getting ready to leave our family's labor day picnic, my sister cornered me in the kitchen, furious. I asked her what was wrong. I guess Beezy's class was told to draw a picture of them with their two favorite people, then write a couple of sentences about the people in the picture.

Most kids picked their parents, but Beezy drew me and one of her aunts on her dad's side. My sister said her sentences were things like, "I love my aunt _______ and aunt _________ so much because they let me play with their makeup," typical 8 year old stuff. I thought it was really sweet, but I could tell my sister was mad, so I asked her why she was angry.

She told me that she was really hurt that Beezy loved me and the other aunt more than her own parents, and she thinks it's because Beezy spends too much time with us and we spoil her. I was kind of shocked, so I just asked her if Beezy knew she was upset. She said no, she had just told her daughter that it was a very pretty picture, then put it away in her bedroom.

Then she told me she was reconsidering having Beezy spend so much time with us alone. Then she stormed out of the kitchen and left the party before I could say anything. I'm not sure what to do. On the one hand, I think she's being silly. Lots of kids drew their parents, but some kids drew their friends or their grandparents or their siblings.

One kid actually drew his cats. And she's eight. I'm not saying she can't love deeply, but she's just a child. Her sentences apparently said stuff like, "They let me play with their makeup," it's not very deep stuff. On the other hand, I can understand feeling hurt that your child wouldn't draw you when so many other kids drew their parents.

And she at least held it together when my niece brought the picture home and showed it to her. She's a difficult person and not the best parent, but I can kind of see why she'd be hurt. I'm part terrified she'll never let me spend time with my niece now, part sure she won't do it because she needs my babysitting services too much to cut me out. I'm not sure what to do.

TL;DR: My niece had to draw a picture of her "favorite people," and she picked me and another aunt instead of her parents. My sister is a narcissist and not the most loving parent, and she likes to pick fights, but I think she might have a legitimate grievance here and I'm not sure how to proceed.

The comments kept coming.

aj76_hg wrote:

“My child feels loved by too many people and that upsets ME!” I get parents can be hurt they’re not their child favorite person… but that shit is earned not forced. OP’s sister is willing to hurt the child by putting distance between the kid and the aunties, but she’s not willing to step up and be the kind of person her child can enjoy.

Jefemeister wrote:

I mean, you're the cool, fun aunt and she's mom. How often do you have to enforce rules and be the bad guy? It's totally legitimate for you to be one of Beezy's favorite people. And she's only 8.

Also, this isn't a picture of who she loves the most or who is most important to her. It's just a picture of who she thought of in that moment. It might not have even occurred to her that her parents were included.

Maybe you could use this to gently suggest to your sister that they should do more fun things together. But I think you just let thisnblow over because once again, your sister is being unreasonable.

kevvok wrote:

I wonder when OP’s BIL is going to realize he married a b**ot.

Sweaty-Training-1055 wrote:

She married a Black man and had his child but she’s upset about experiencing Black culture? It’s like she watched “Get Out” by Jordan Peele and got jealous.