'My sister is mad that I have no reaction to her talking to my ex-girlfriend. AITA?'

"My sister is mad that I have no reaction to her talking to my ex-girlfriend. AITA?"

My sister recently told me she has been getting coffee regularly with an ex-girlfriend whom broke up with me way back in 2005. She hid it from me for over 2 months and then when she eventually told me and asked if I was okay with it I had no visible reaction and asked her what she wanted from me.

This ex and I dated from 1999-2005 from the ages of 14-20. She was cheating on me for the last 2 years and left me for the guy. It was 20 years ago. I’m 40 now. I was heartbroken but dealt with it and moved on. I have a wife I’ve been married to for 12 years. I’m a dad to 3 kids. Why would I care about someone from 20 years ago?

My sister is frustrated because I have no reaction she wants to know I’m okay with it or not. They were good friends back then but stopped talking when the breakup happened but she says it’s like all that time hasn’t passed. I guess she wants my approval? Like I said I literally don’t care. If she wants to talk to her that’s fine but I won’t be interested. It’s her life. She can talk to who she wants.

ETA: My sister also felt as betrayed as I did about the cheating hence why they stopped talking but again the whole affair was 20 years ago and I dealt with the hurt and have moved on from it. I genuinely don’t feel weird if my sister is talking to her again.

The internet did not hold back one bit.

bigpussystance wrote:

NTA. It was 20 years ago and you’ve more than moved on. I actually think you’re being quite mature and having no reaction would be a normal response to hearing about someone you haven’t seen or heard from in 20 years. Maybe your sister feels guilty for talking to her again because of the cheating?

OP responded:

I can see why she may feel guilty because she was swiftly on my side and felt extremely hurt and betrayed too but again it was a very long time ago and I literally don’t care who she talks to as it’s not like it just happened.

eratoesben wrote:

NTA.

You’ve maturely moved on and made peace with how your relationship ended. You don’t want to get involved either way and rightfully so therefore it’s not for you to give or withhold permission.

If she continues to push you for an answer tell her that you don’t care either way but what your boundaries may be regarding the relationship - e.g. you don’t care and don’t want to hear about it, don’t want her bought around your children and wife, etc. Might be best to loop your wife in just so she is aware and not caught out if your sister brings your ex somewhere.

Unexpectedlytired wrote:

NTA.

Your reaction is normal. Her reaction is weird. I'm curious her motivation...does she want you to cheat on your wife with the ex?

jittarao wrote:

NTA. She just wants your approval. Since you didn’t react at all, she couldn’t read where you stood. Your response was mature and clear: you’ve moved on. Only thing I’d add is to tell your sister not to act like a messenger. No need for updates from either side. Let the past stay in the past.

Ranchboi wrote:

I think maybe there’s something missing here. “I don’t care” can be sometimes used passive aggressive. Maybe she interpreted it as a cold indifference that came off as off putting or judgmental?

Maybe if you said something like, “oh it doesn’t bother me at all. I’ve moved on decades ago. I’m not particularly interested in reconnecting with her but I wish her nothing but the best. And if you want to reconnect, by all means, go for it.” She would understand your position more.

A day later, OP shared an update.

I realised I had never given my sister an exact answer just that I had no visible reaction just that I asked her what she wanted from me and she was frustrated over it. I ended up calling her not that long ago and we talked about it. I asked why she felt so strongly about wanting to know my feelings about it and a lot of you suspected she wanted approval and you were right.

I explained in my original post that my sister and ex were quite good friends and that the friendship ended cos I got cheated on and my sister also felt betrayed. The two hadn’t spoken in 20 years.

When my sister and my ex were friends they did a lot with me and together. They did a lot together and were almost like best friends snd my sister told me that of course she was pissed and felt betrayed about the cheating but also sad because she lost her only genuine friend at that time.

I know she has really struggled to maintain good friendships so she said when she happened to bump into my ex by chance and that they picked up where they left from, she leapt at the chance to kickstart their friendship. She said it’s like a fog has been lifted from her and that she feels like she has her best friend back.

She said she wanted to tell me but thought I’d be weird about it because at the time, I was so cut up about the breakup. She feels really guilty for being happy about rekindling a friendship with someone who caused me so much pain. After hearing all that I understand why she wants to maintain the friendship and why she didn’t want to tell me.

I explicitly told her that I have no reaction to it because without sounding like a dick I really don’t care who she spends her time with. I told her I feel enough time has passed that I can accept my ex is in her life, especially since my sister told me she is still with the man she left me for and they are married and have a family so they are obviously serious.

She also said her daughters (my nieces) are the same age as my ex’s kids and that it would be good for the kids to be friends too which I get as they don’t have many. I like I said have also moved on and have been married for 12 years and I have 3 kids.

I basically told my sister if she is looking for my blessing, she has it but that I won’t be involved or really interested in the friendship cos it doesn’t mean anything to me anymore. I also told her she shouldn’t feel guilty as it’s happened, it’s done and I moved on and recovered from it. Like if I saw the ex I would be civil but I wouldn’t be weird or anything about it cos again, I don’t really care.

Plus from the sounds of it the ex will really only be mingling with my sister, potentially my BIL and their kids so I may not see her at all. She left the call feeling at least happier and I’m just glad she has a friend back I suppose. Not an exciting update or anything but I guess a good outcome. We were just mature and civilised.

The internet had a lot to share in response.

bigpussystance wrote:

I was hoping you’d update. We exchanged a couple of comments and I did wonder if she felt guilty because you were cheated on and I guess it was right. I’m glad you two are mature enough to talk about it and that there’s no issues!

OP responded:

Well my sister is happy and it’s out in the open now so that’s all that matters I suppose.

Simple_Proof_721 wrote:

I'm happy for you and your sister. But is she okay? I don't want to be friends with anyone who cheats/cheated. It's just a personal preference of course, I'm mid 20s now. Were you guys young young when it happened? It's okay to look past things and not make big deal out of things that aren't a big deal. Specially when young.

Maybe it was a one time thing since she's still with him. But is sister against that type of treatment of people in general? I understand not connecting with people and having a small circle as a result, I hope she doesn't compromise her values because she's lonely, or her kids.

LasimK wrote:

With that ex being included to your extended family, make sure to talk a lot to your wife. Your sister will most likely invite you and your ex to kids birthday parties and whatever and it isn't unlikely that your ex will approach you then.

Maybe to make sure that you are cool with her being there, maybe to figure out how you are doing or maybe just for small talk. Make sure that your wife won't feel weird about that if that should happen. Protect your marriage. Exes are rarely a good thing for a existing marriage.

Last-Campaign3373 wrote:

You've handled this in a very mature way, and I'm genuinely glad you're at peace. That being said, I question your sister's judgment. I wouldn't go back to being friends with someone who cheated on my brother, but I assume we don't know the whole story of their friendship.

That being said, she should be careful about introducing their children. If her daughter loves you, her uncle, and then finds out what your ex did after getting friendly with the family, that's setting her up to feel betrayed and lied to. Just a word of warning.