'AITA for calling my sister heartless for pushing our separated parents to divorce?'
"AITA for calling my sister heartless for pushing our separated parents to finally divorce?"
Silver_Industry_6633 writes:
I (22F) have a pretty unique living situation. When I was 16 my mom came out as a lesbian. At first it was a shock, but then it felt right. She told my dad before me and my sister (who was 21 at the time, now 27), so we didn’t see his reaction, but he was incredibly accepting. He has so much love for my mom that he just wanted her to be happy.
That part isn’t the unusual bit. The unique part is that my parents stayed married and decided not to divorce. They separated and began dating other people, but they still live under the same roof.
It started that way because when I was 16, I was going through tough exams and my mom didn’t want to disrupt my home life too much. Over time, it just stayed that way. Honestly, it helped. At first it felt different, but quickly everything fell into place.
They decided divorce would be a long process, and since they get along so well, it wasn’t like much had changed. The only real difference was that my dad moved into the guest room. They agreed that if either of them got into a serious relationship, they’d divorce but still live close to each other.
They began dating other people fairly soon. Ironically, my dad ended up getting more dates than my mom. Some of her single friends admitted they had always liked him, which we even joked about. In the end, my parents were happy just living together as best friends, even though they were no longer a couple.
About a month ago, my dad invited me to a movie. At first I thought it was just another one of their “friend dates” since they usually go see movies together a couple of times a month, but my mom had turned him down this time. When I met him, he mentioned she had been acting distant and ignoring him more than usual. That worried me, so I reached out to her.
We met for coffee, and I asked if she was alright. She brushed me off at first, but when I brought up my dad, she admitted she was finalizing their divorce. I was shocked. I asked if she’d met someone new, but she said she hadn’t. She told me it just felt odd that they were still married when there was “no point.” She also mentioned plans to move to a city five hours away, which is a big change for us in the UK.
When I got home, I called my sister to tell her what happened. She wasn’t surprised and said, “Oh, she finally did it.” When I asked what she meant, she told me she found it embarrassing that our parents were still technically together, and that our dad should “get a grip.”
That made me angry. I told her she was being heartless, especially since she knows our dad still loves our mom in his own way. He just wants her to be happy. On top of that, my mom is very introverted and would struggle with such a big move. Now I’m questioning myself. Am I upset because I selfishly want my parents to stay together? Am I being unfair?
Here are the top rated comments from the post. Update is after.
thenexttimebandit says:
YTA you mom has wanted a divorce for years. How do you not understand they stayed together for you because you couldn’t handle them getting a divorce? It had to be really difficult for both parents to stay together in a weird gut wrenching limbo where they aren’t together but still have to live together.
It’s been years. Let them move on with their lives. They aren’t getting back together. Give your dad a chance to move on instead of constantly having the wound of separation reopened every time he comes home to see your mom. You’re 22 but still acting like a child.
MamaTalista says:
YTA. You are looking at their marriage through the eyes of a child. You think everything is awesome because that's what they showed you. You don't really know.
Disastrous-Nail-640 says:
YTA. You seem to care a lot for someone that thinks your sister shouldn’t care because she’s an adult.
Juliaheavenly says:
YTA. Your parents’ marriage is theirs to handle, not yours to hold onto because it makes you comfortable. Your mom wanting a clean break isn’t heartless, it’s her right, and your sister just accepted that reality faster than you did. Calling her names over it was out of line.
OP posted an update the same day.
Looking back, I realize I was being unreasonable. I wrote my original post while upset, and even then I felt like I wasn’t being fair. To clarify a few things: My dad did not date all my mom’s friends. Years ago, she set him up with two of her friends, and he went on one or two dates with them. He never pursued it further because he was uncomfortable. I phrased it badly.
My mom has always been the breadwinner. My dad has a job too, but he’s always done more of the domestic work, and I helped out growing up because I knew how much my mom worked.
My dad isn’t some lovesick creep. He cares deeply about my mom, but if she wanted a divorce, he would have gone along with it. She was the one who kept putting it off because they were such good friends and she didn’t see the point.
After thinking about it, I realized my mom isn’t divorcing for herself, but maybe more for my dad, so he doesn’t feel stuck. She told me she would miss him if she moved far away, and after we talked, she decided to get a flat closer to us instead.
In the end, I wasn’t angry about the divorce itself. I was upset at my sister for being so dismissive of our dad and acting like she needed to control the situation. My parents still love each other deeply, just in a different way, and that’s what matters.