'AITA for telling my sister it isn't my fault her baby can't stand her?'
"AITA for telling my sister it isn't my fault her baby can't stand her?"
I (17F) have a sister (16F) who had her baby girl, who I will call Willow, around six months ago. My sister has never been one to stay at home or focus on anyone but herself, and becoming a mother did not change that. When she was pregnant, she was extremely depressed for most of it, but my family did a lot to cheer her up, and toward the end she became very excited to become a mother.
However, after Willow was born, my sister told me she loved her but could not stand her well, being a baby. The crying irritated her, and she would leave the baby with me or my mother most of the time, only wanting her back if friends or family were around. Because of this, I have been taking care of my niece as if she were my child.
The crib in my sister’s room remains empty most, if not all, of the time. Recently, my sister has begun trying to be an actual mother. I am very proud and happy for her during this time, however she cannot seem to grasp that her daughter is not as bonded to her as she is to me or my mother.
For example, Willow will cry if me or my mother leave the room or go out of her line of sight. My sister tries comforting her, but she will not stop crying until me or my mom come back. This led to an argument a few days ago.
I had Willow in my room with me while I was playing a game on my computer. She was asleep and lying on my bed, which I could see and supervise just fine, when my sister came into my room looking for her.
She looked pretty angry upon seeing Willow with me, but she sat on my bed near Willow and started talking about a random topic that I was pretty zoned out of. Willow woke up during this because my sister was not whispering, which upset me since I had gotten her to sleep not too long before, less than twenty minutes for sure.
I told my sister she needed to be quiet when she was so close to Willow, especially since she was asleep. This seemed to set her off, and she took Willow from me. I did not fight to keep her in my arms because I know it is not my right to deny her own mother.
She went off on me, saying that I was not Willow’s mom and that I could not tell her what to do around her own child. In return, I snapped back and ranted that she could barely consider herself a mother and that it was no one’s fault but her own that her daughter could not stand to be around her.
She left my room that night, and I felt horrible. I tried apologizing to her that same night, but she ignored me and left for our grandmother’s house, where she has been for the past few days. She does not answer my texts or calls apologizing, and I only get updates from what she posts of Willow on TikTok or Snapchat.
I do not think I am entirely wrong for trying to get her to see the reality that being a mother is more than just spending time with your daughter when you have to or when you want to show her off to friends or on social media. I know my sister is just a teenager, but so am I, and responsibilities that should have been hers were pushed onto me since my mother could only help sometimes.
OP added some extra context.
I just want to ask that people please do not talk about how my sister became pregnant. That is no one’s right to know besides my family or whoever my sister chooses to tell. I now know what PPD is.
I did not fully understand what it was before or the extent of it. I had heard about it but did not look into it, since I am a teenager and do not plan on having kids at all. I will try to get my mother to talk to my sister’s therapist about looking further into that with her. I am pretty sure she can do that.
My sister is not a bad person, and I do not like people saying that. She is a normal teenager in my country who is very extroverted and prefers going out with friends. My sister goes back to therapy this Friday, which will be her first session in a while, and she will have the same therapist as me, a very wonderful lady who I am sure will help her.
To clarify some things, this is a throwaway account so I can log out and forget the password, which I will be doing. To the people being rude about my sister, I do not like you. I do not know how mean someone has to be to say rude things about a teenage girl. I love my sister and always will.
My mother does her best to help but works from early morning until night during the week. She is older and has some health issues, especially arthritis. I encourage her to rest on workdays, and she does the most she can on weekends. Willow is a very easy baby to care for and very easy to love. I do not doubt that, with the help and advice people have given me here, she will be able to bond with my sister.
A lot of people have told me it is good that my sister left the house for a few days so she has time to take care of Willow without me or my mom there, which I now agree with. At first I was very upset that she left instead of talking to me, but now I am seeing it more clearly.
Here's what other people had to say to OP:
jiminangrybutt says:
Your sister is very young. She might be dealing with PPD (postpartum disorder). This is very very very important, and she will need support and help. Please advise her to see a therapist at the very least.
AhTails says:
Think NAH. It’s a tough situation you guys are in - post-partum can be enough to get any household on edge. Add to that the fact you guys are still in your teens, I can understand how emotions may be a little strained. That being said, it’s probably a good thing your sister and niece are out of the house for a bit if your collective goal is to get your niece more comfortable with her mother.
mrtnmnhntr says:
This seems like something you need to have a family meeting about, not something the internet can help you with. Your sister is a little kid who seemingly doesn't have help from the baby's father, and you are also a little kid, evidenced by the mean and immature thing you said.
Objective_Air8976 says:
Are your parents not in the picture? You're both really young and trying to navigate baby stuff is hard. You honestly don't have to help more than you want to. Be direct and firm if your parents ask that it's not your baby and your sister needs to step up.