'AITA for cutting off my sister after she realized she was engaged to a catfish?'
"AITA for refusing to forgive my sister and not allowing her or my family to participate in my birthday celebration after her engagement flopped?"
whatonearth332 writes:
Hello all, I (M24) have an older sister, whom I’ll call Sarah (F25). Recently, her engagement ended up going south. For context, Sarah was dating a man she met online through cousins and family friends from overseas.
They had never actually met in person and were only dating virtually for around 9 or 10 months before he proposed, and they got engaged. Ridiculous, I know—reading it typed out really illustrates how foolish the whole situation was.
Anyway, from the start, I was very skeptical and voiced my concerns to our parents and Sarah, but I was always met with responses like, “You don’t know what’s going on,” or “She’s an adult who can make her own choices.” I tried to be more understanding.
I spoke with friends and coworkers removed from the situation, and they all agreed it sounded crazy, so I knew it wasn’t just me. Things came to a major head right before Sarah left overseas to get married after their short engagement.
She was at my apartment, and I made one last effort to get her to reconsider the marriage and wait to know each other better after meeting in person. However, she was adamant and basically told me to F off and not interfere in her life.
The encounter ended with her storming out and calling me a narcissistic a%#@ole when I asked if someone she had known for less than a year was more important than her sibling, whom she had known her entire life. I was, of course, extremely upset.
After spending a few days alone with my thoughts, I effectively gave up on her and removed Sarah from my mind as someone I genuinely cared for and wanted to protect. Why should I continue to care for someone who was so quick to throw me away for what was essentially a stranger?
Weeks passed, and Sarah, along with my family, traveled overseas for the wedding. I obviously didn’t go with them. Apparently, a day before the wedding, the truth came out. The “love of her life” turned out to be, in my mother's words, a "disgustingly fat and ugly scammer" who had been getting money from my sister for “wedding preparations” and other things.
He had fabricated most of his life story and appearance, using my sister for money. Sarah finally realized this and called off the wedding when she found out that he hadn’t booked anything for the wedding—venue, catering, etc.—and had pocketed most, if not all, of the money for his personal expenses. I learned about this from my mother the day before the wedding was called off.
The next day, I received a call from Sarah wanting to talk. She said she loved and missed me and claimed she had been manipulated. I effectively told her that I didn’t care and that she could keep her problems to herself. I no longer had any space or sympathy for her in my life after how she had treated me before leaving. The conversation ended shortly after that.
It’s been radio silence between us since then, but recently, I had an argument with our mother about including Sarah in my upcoming birthday celebration. My mom wants Sarah to be there, but I made it clear I didn’t want to see her or have anything to do with her.
My mom’s argument was that Sarah had suffered enough emotionally following the wedding disaster and that I should forgive her and move past it. I told my mom that while she was free to do whatever she wanted with Sarah, I did not have to follow suit. Regardless of what Sarah went through, it doesn’t minimize the pain I experienced from feeling disregarded and tossed aside like trash.
Additionally, I still hold some resentment toward my mother. Before the wedding disaster, she had told me that my sister’s fiancé would be “another one of her children” after they married and that she wouldn’t be put in a position to choose between her children.
She even told me that if I didn’t want to be part of the family, that was my choice, and I didn’t need to be involved in family gatherings or events. This made me feel terrible. How could a mother equate an effective stranger to one of her own children? My mother has since apologized, but I’ve kept low contact with her as a result. Still, she insisted on doing something for my birthday, which led to the current situation.
I told her that if she wasn’t willing to exclude Sarah—my firm boundary—then I didn’t want her to be part of my birthday either. The conversation ended, and we haven’t spoken since. For context, my father has mirrored my mother’s opinions throughout, so his stance is the same. So, AITA?
OP provided more context.
I never once called Sarah names, judged her, or made fun of her, even after she called me following the scam revelation. I didn’t say “I told you so” or anything like that. When she called, I effectively said, “What would you like me to say?
Honestly, I don’t feel sympathy for you after our last conversation because you hurt me deeply and abandoned me as a family member. Why should I show concern for someone who abandoned me?” She was the one who cussed me out and made personal attacks during our last conversation, which had no relevance to the situation.
Some people might think I was trying to create a “me vs. him” scenario, but that wasn’t my intention—it was just poor wording. What I meant to say was, “I care about you as your sibling, someone who’s known you your whole life. Can you truly say that about someone you’ve never met in person or haven’t known for long?”
Yes, I know some people get married after a short dating period and have long, successful marriages. However, in this day and age, you need to be hyper-cautious about situations like this. I felt Sarah wasn’t being cautious or thinking things through. My message to her was simply, “Don’t rush your life; protect yourself.” That was it. I never said, “I forbid you to get married,” or anything like that. Of course, adults make their own choices.
For those saying I wasn’t wronged, I disagree. Being treated like you don’t matter and being cut out of someone’s life hurts, even beyond the name-calling. Keep in mind, Sarah was okay with cutting me out of her life completely. Why is it okay for her to make that choice, but when I reflect the same decision back toward her, it’s an issue?
OP responded to some comments:
GhxstParadox says:
Your mom really told you that you could leave the family over a stranger she had never even met? F%#k no. I'd never talk to any of them again.
OP responded:
Effectively yes, and this was probably the most hurtful thing out of this whole scenario, even more so than getting cussed out and yelled at by Sarah.
Pandoratastic says:
INFO: Can you please clarify something? When you said "she was the one who was initially okay with cutting me out of her life completely" how exactly did that go? Did she literally and specifically say she wanted you out of her life from now on? Did she declare your "disowned" or "no longer her brother"? Or do you just mean that the way she acted felt like that even if she didn't say it specifically?
OP responded:
Not verbatim, but she basically said "If you can't be happy for me, then you can't be in my life" soon after I told her to leave my apartment because she was starting to get loud and admittedly I was getting emotional as well, so there was no point in continuing the convo. As she was leaving she yelled "Don't ever fucking talk to me again" then slammed my door on the way out.