"My (25F) spouse (24M) of 9 years lied about job search for a year."
My spouse (together for 9 years, married for 2) lost his part-time job shortly after we got married. It wasn't his fault, but he only had that job for a few months, so money was already really tight. I work full time, but I make pennies- definitely not enough to support two people on my own. So, the expectation was that he had to find another job quickly.
Months passed, and he couldn't find anything. Knowing that the job market is horrible right now, I didn't think much of it, although the financial stress was getting to me. As time went on, I became horribly depressed, often crying to him about how worried I was about our financial stability. I had to stop going to therapy because it was too expensive. My savings were being drained steadily.
Our rent had increased. I was losing weight from not having enough to eat. He would reassure me that we were going to be okay, that the future wasn't hopeless, etc. I spent all of my downtime finding job listings and sending them to him, and even looking into options for myself to get a second job. I spent hours every day scouring job boards. He maintained that he applied to everything I sent him.
Before I knew it, a whole year had passed. I hit a breaking point and asked him to show me the applications he submitted. He tried brushing it off at first, even snapping at me about me not trusting him- but he quickly gave in and admitted that he hadn't been applying to any of the listings.
He laughed about it, saying he would "do it tomorrow." Of course, most of the listings were expired by then. I was crushed. He had watched me struggle for an entire year, cutting back on everything and still losing money- but he didn't care to do anything to help.
He didn't look for jobs on his own and ignored the listings I sent him. If I hadn't demanded to see the applications, he still would have been unemployed right now. He briefly apologized at the time, though we never really had a long conversation about it, as I simply left the room and told him to show me some applications when he completed them, which he did.
He immediately got a job from the very first application he submitted. Although, when he got the call for the interview, he begged me to let him look for a different job, because he didn't want to work in that field. Of course I said no, we can't afford to be picky, we need money now.
The job is also part-time, so I still make quite a bit more than him. He begrudgingly took the job. My finances had taken a huge hit from a year of being the sole provider, so we weren't going to recover overnight. I was still in survival mode- I think that's why I just pushed through discovering the lie, I was focused on finding a solution ASAP.
He's had this job for four months now, and my bank account is finally looking a little bit better. But if I ever try to bring up the fact that he lied for a year, he becomes incredibly agitated. He is not apologetic. He says that I can't hold it against him forever, because he has a job now, so the problem is fixed.
I try to tell him that I'm hurt about the lying, and about the lack of care for me when I was barely keeping us afloat, but he's not receptive. When I mentioned this in passing to a friend, they were shocked. They told me that this would be a total dealbreaker for them, that they would be looking into divorce.
At first, I was taken aback by that reaction, but I do feel deeply disrespected by his actions throughout this whole situation. And he continues to mention that he wants to quit- which scares me, because I can't support us alone again. How do I know if this is divorce worthy?
TL;DR: Spouse of 9 years lied about looking for a job for a year. I was not searching or applying. I only got a job when I found out and forced him to apply. Considering divorce.
Here's what people had to say to OP:
throwaway-foodguy wrote:
I’m not one to say divorce after one issue, but I’m telling you that I suggest divorce. The fact that he could sit there listening to you cry for 2 YEARS and not even consider in those years applying to a singular job is insane. At this point, divorce would be much better because you wouldn’t have to finance yourself and him, just yourself and your kids if you have any.
Question: you say that you have lost weight from not having enough food, does he not get enough food either and just not care, or does he take a lot of it? What does he do at home?
OP responded:
Luckily, we don't have any kids. Yeah, I lost about 20 pounds unintentionally. He has actually gained a bit of weight. His eating habits stayed mostly the same, I guess because he was at home all day, while I would deliberately skip meals to save money by not eating during the workday, and only have dinner when I got home.
Infernalwedgie wrote:
Y'all, this is why we should establish ourselves a little before getting hitched.
Yes, divorce the dead weight. Lock down some contraception ASAP. You do NOT want to get knocked up by this loser.
OP responded:
I am sterilized, and we have no kids, so at least that won't be an issue.
caretakerofeveryone wrote:
He is untrustworthy and doesn’t care about the stress he has caused you. He has no problem making you work harder or stress for him, this isn’t a partner, this is a child. I would not stay with someone like this. Are their children involved?
OP responded:
I think I'm in agreement with you. Luckily, no kids.
Enough_basis_8935 wrote:
The whole past year he's been lying to you and watching you struggle to take of both of you. What does he do at home? Do you come home from work and still have to clean the house and cook for him? Take some time to save some money then get out of there, hopefully he won't quit this job until you're ready to leave, good luck and best wishes for a better life soon.
OP responded:
I would often come home to a destroyed house, and ask him to clean up while I'm working, but it never stuck. And he doesn't know how to cook/never bothered to try.
fibernerdcreates wrote:
He doesn't want to work, nor does he want to be a homemaker that supports you and allows the two of you to be financially secure. He's a hobos-xual. He just wants to be taken care of.
The lack of care for you as you're the sole provider is nearly as bad as the lying, and he's not sorry for any of it. He'll do it again, and just expect you to figure it out. He had no intention of changing. If you don't want to be mommy to a grown man-child, you need to leave him.