'AITA for excluding my stepdad from father of the bride duties for my real father?'
"AITA for telling my stepdad he's not sharing father of the bride duties with my dad at my wedding?"
Slight-Bobcat-4798 writes:
I'm (27f) getting married in a few months and my dad is walking me down the aisle, and we're planning a four-person dance with me and him and my fiancé and his dad. As soon as my fiancé and I decided this was what we wanted, I was upfront with my stepdad about the fact he would not be given any father-of-the-bride duties.
I knew he'd expect and want them, so I wanted to get on top of it so he and my mom couldn't accuse me of blindsiding them or him. He's been with my mom since I was a few months old. He always saw me and my brother (29) as his kids. But we always saw Dad as our only dad.
There were a lot of fights that were kept from me and my brother as kids over this. My stepdad wanted Dad to make space for him to do some of the dad things. My dad didn't want to give up any time or things with us that he had, since he already lost the ability to see us all the time. Mom was always presenting it like stepdad was our primary dad.
But she and Dad shared equal custody, and my dad did more than my stepdad. He worked extra hours when we were with Mom so he could leave early and be with us after school. He was involved in school, in extracurriculars, in our friendships, and he showed up to extracurricular events or school events even if it was Mom's time.
Which was allowed, by the way. That stuff was seen as anyone could come. Dad's the only one who came to everything. My stepdad isn't a bad guy, but his want to be more to us than he is has left a lot of hurt feelings on his part and frustration on ours.
This is another one where I saw it coming and I hoped getting ahead of it would help. But he was angry at me for my decision and for telling him. Mom's angry for both as well. They said it was humiliating him to tell him so straightforwardly and to basically demote him as not father of the bride.
I told him I never demoted him because he never was father of the bride. He just wanted to be. He told me I should've made a bunch of different decisions. AITA? And in case people ask, he's (stepdad) not paying for the wedding or financing any part of it.
Here are the top rated comments.
Iris_Lovelace says:
It’s your wedding! You’re not an a&*#ole for wanting your Dad to walk you rather than your stepdad especially since you’re so close with your bio dad. It’s your day, you get to choose how it goes.
Bright_Ices says:
NTA, but it sounds like your mom is at least as responsible as he is for the friction between you and him.
blackeuphoric5 says:
NTA, although he’s been in your life, he is not your father. This is a special moment between you and your father, your stepdad should be more understanding.
BadCatee says:
NTA. You were honest and respectful by telling your stepdad upfront, which was the mature thing to do especially since you knew there could be expectations. It’s your wedding, and it makes sense that you’d want your actual dad, who’s been consistently present, to have those special roles. Wanting something doesn’t entitle someone to it, and setting clear boundaries doesn’t make you cruel, it makes you fair.