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'My stepdaughter passed away weeks ago. I caught my husband and his ex-wife in our bed.' UPDATED 4X

'My stepdaughter passed away weeks ago. I caught my husband and his ex-wife in our bed.' UPDATED 4X


Grief can make you do wild things, but that doesn't shirk you of accountability for your actions.

"My stepdaughter died 4 weeks ago and I caught my husband and his ex-wife in our bed."

My stepdaughter Becca (14F) d**d 4 weeks ago. I’ve been in her life since she was 7 years old, we were extremely close. My husband Derek (40M), his ex-wife Sam (38F), and I (35F) get along very well, there has never been an issue in the 7 years that I’ve been with Derek. Sam has always been kind to me, she didn’t even care that Becca called me “mom” too.

Right after Becca’s passing, Sam had so much anxiety and depression that she was unable to be by herself (she has no family besides us), so we invited her to stay with us. Sam hardly leaves the house, she mostly just sleeps in Becca’s room, which is completely understandable.

I always tell her that I’m here if she needs me and that I want her to take her time with grieving and that there is no pressure to go back to her home. Today I needed to run some errands, so I asked Sam if she’d like to join me to get out of the house a little bit, but she declined and said she’d rather just stay at the house and sleep.

I told Derek that I was leaving and that I would be back in 2ish hours (he works from home), I also told him to check on Sam every once in awhile, and maybe try getting her to eat something. After stopping at the post office, I realized I forgot my library book that I needed to return, so I went back home to get it. As soon as I walked in the door, I heard moaning coming from mine and Derek’s bedroom.

I immediately knew what was happening…and my heart completely broke in that moment. I wasn’t completely sure what to do, but I ended up deciding to confront them, so I walked to the bedroom and opened the door and began yelling at them both. Sam started having an anxiety attack and ran to the bathroom while Derek kept apologizing profusely.

I asked him what the hell was happening, he told me that he made himself and Sam some lunch and they began talking about Becca, and shared some memories. And then Sam ended up kissing him and he didn’t pull back, and then it ended with them in our bed.

They’re begging me to understand that it was just grief that caused them to become intimate and that they both made a mistake. I don’t know what to do. I love this man. And I love Sam. I’m heartbroken that they did this to me and put me in this position. I feel so stuck.

The internet did not hold back their thoughts.

GreatChampionship252 wrote:

That would be hard no for me. I understand grieving, but how is this excusing cheating? What happens next time he is sad? Edit: I misspoke when I said sad. Obviously this is something beyond devastating. I still don’t think it can be used as an excuse.

OP responded:

I don’t want to excuse his cheating. I think I want to divorce him, but I’m anxious about doing it right after we lost Becca.

Spellboundmama wrote:

Probably together. Do you both own the home? If it's in your name, change the locks. Stay strong and don't listen to his excuses. I am so sorry this happened to you during such a difficult time.

OP responded:

Exactly what I was thinking if I’m being honest. And yes, we both own it. When I told him to leave, he kept saying sorry and then said that he would leave and respect me wanting him gone for awhile.

ImpulsiveXThoughts wrote:

Are you seeing a therapist perhaps? You're dealing with a lot right now, it might be useful.

OP responded:

Yes, I am in therapy. I’ve been with my therapist for other things for the last three years. She’s been very helpful. I saw her yesterday and was able to figure some things out.

Nadiyah98 wrote:

I understand that you love both Sam and Derek dearly but you also need to remember to love yourself. Your husband cheated on you and Sam took advantage of your kindness and generosity.

I understand they're both grieving (so are you!) but this is wrong given how you are still in the picture. You are Derek's wife and you were also very close Becca, whom she also see you as a mother figure. Sam should've respected that and Derek should've respected you.

This is harsh but if this isn't the first time you left them both home alone then this might not be the first time they've been sleeping together since Sam moved in. I would highly recommend an S*D test. And maybe a lawyer. But Sam definitely needs to leave.

OP responded:

That’s exactly what I was thinking, I have this strange feeling that it wasn’t the first time they’ve gotten together since she started staying here, but I’ll probably never know the truth.

Good idea, I’ll definitely do that asap, just in case. Thank you!

YanaYellow25 wrote:

You’re grieving yourself and you still found space in your heart to welcome Sam into your home so she wouldn’t be alone. What they did was take advantage and was very selfish. I hope you find your way through this troubling time and I hope whatever update you bring is a good one. Love and light hun!

kengigi wrote:

How long were you gone? That seems pretty quick to go from lunch to s*x. I don't believe it's the first time it's happened and later on you won't either. I'm sorry for your loss, but your husband is a terrible person and so his ex. You deserve better.

OP responded:

That’s why I don’t think it was the first time. I was gone for maybe 15-20 minutes.

The next day, OP shared an update.

I decided that I’m filing for a divorce. I can’t ever trust Derek again. It sucks because we had an amazing relationship (I thought), he’s always been great, so this was a complete shock to me. Last night, Derek came over to talk. He confessed to a lot. Turns out it wasn’t their first time having s*x like most people thought.

They’ve been having s#x since 3 months before Becca d##d. I am completely shocked and heartbroken. Sam also reached out last night and thanked me for everything I’ve done for her, and told me she was sorry. I didn’t respond, I blocked her. I did so much for Sam and considered her a friend so this hurts a lot, more than I can handle. This is all too much.

As hard as this is gonna be, I need to leave Derek and cut them both out of my life. I am ready to do so. I am done. Also, some people are saying I deserved this because I should have known better than to let Sam into our home, around Derek. But, you need to understand that I’m a giving person, I trust people more than I should, I truly thought Sam was an amazing person.

I know it’s unusual to become friends with your husband’s ex wife, but it’s just how it went for us and I shouldn’t be blamed for what happened. Thank you to everyone who commented nice things and for the kind messages. You’ve all been helpful during this insanely difficult time, I appreciate it.

The comments kept coming.

ImpulsiveXThoughts wrote:

Out of curiosity, what are his excuses for cheating? Those two are going to be in a world of hurt, once the guilt settles in. They're going to be asking themselves why it had to be Becca and will eventually come to conclusion that it's their punishment for what they've done to you. I can pretty much guarantee you that.

OP responded:

He told me that they just “accidentally” reconnected one night when I was away at my mom’s. He was stressed we weren’t conceiving and were having misc*rri*ges, so he vented to Sam, and then somehow that led to s#x. It seems so icky to me… How can he vent about our struggles like that and then go and have s#x with Sam, it’s just awful of him. I don’t understand it.

Little_Cats3 wrote:

I’m so sorry. You did nothing to deserve this, not now and not 3 months ago when it all started. I thought that this probably wasn’t the first time, but 3 months is terrible. I will never understand the reasoning behind a person who cheats.

I thought I saw you comment that your mom is coming to be with you, I hope she just gives you the biggest hug. You just need people who love you to be around you right now. I’m so sorry that you lost Becca, and now you don’t even have Derek to grieve with, it’s all just a horrible thing. I really hope you find a good lawyer to help you with everything so that at least that piece is something you can see progress in.

OP responded:

Thank you so much. I’m so glad my mom is able to stay with me for awhile, and I have lots of friends that have been coming by to check in on me too. All this sucks, but it’s definitely shown me that I’m cared for and loved.

bcope84 wrote:

Oh no. I was hoping we were wrong about it not being the first time. Why in the hell would he invite his “mistress” into ur house?!?!? I am so sorry you are going through this but please don’t change because of them. I am so proud of your strength and your kindness to them (prior to the incident). You deserve someone to worship you!

AttackinFlyinMonkey wrote:

No one deserves this and you are incredibly strong to be able to go through all of this and still keep some sort of composure. Not only loosing a child but finding out your husband is cheating on you within a month. Keep your chin up <3 You have people like me cheering you on in the side lines. And f#$k those AHs for taking advantage of your kindness and trust.

A few days later, OP shared another update.

I’m getting lots of questions about some things so I figured I’d answer a few of them.

• Have I told anyone about what happened besides my mom? — Yes, I told a few friends and some family members. Most of them are supportive of my decision and aren’t speaking to Derek.

• Where is Derek staying? — Currently, he’s staying at a hotel. Our friends refuse to let him stay with them. He’s lost a lot of people due to his awful decisions.

• Has he tried fighting me on getting a divorce? — Yes, he begged me not to file for divorce, but when I told him I needed him to just let me go, and that I was too exhausted to fight him on this, he let it be and agreed to getting a divorce.

• Why isn’t Derek staying with Sam? — He told me he didn’t wanna continue to hurt me, so he told Sam he was done with her for good. And that they have no reason to speak to each other anymore. I have no idea if that’ll last and if they’ll just end up together, but I truly don’t care what they do anymore. I just want peace.

• What was Derek’s excuse for cheating? — He told me that they just “accidentally” reconnected one night when I was away at my mom’s. He was stressed we weren’t conceiving and were having miscarriages, so he vented to Sam, and then somehow that led to sex. Disgusting of them both, I know. Feel free to ask anything else, and I’ll try to answer. Thank you everyone for your support and advice.

The comments kept coming.

Actual-Offer-127 wrote:

I'm sorry OP. Sam and your husband are disgusting people. They took advantage of your kind nature and he moved someone into your home he was having an affair with. They deserve each other. This was an ongoing affair and he moved her in. You deserve so much better.

OP responded:

Thank you.

someawfulb**ch wrote:

I'm so sorry that anyone came in and told you that you deserved any of this for letting Sam into your home. That's absolute bulls#$t. You were being a kind and caring person, and of course you didn't deserve it!

OP responded:

I got plenty of messages saying horrible things to me too, it was shocking. No one deserves to feel this pain.

mak_zaddy wrote:

I’m curious to know how he felt it was okay to tarnish his daughter’s memory by claiming it was the guilt? Plus, how he could live with himself for agreeing to let her stay in your home while having an affair? I mean having s#x in your bed. Proud of you for cutting out this t*xicity.

StenoThis wrote:

You not being able to conceive yet is a blessing. So crazy how life sometimes looks out for you in the most brutal ways. Keep your head up. you’re strong. you bounced almost immediately. Most wouldn’t. You got this.

A day later, OP shared another update.

I just found out that he is staying with Sam and not at the hotel. He told me it’s too expensive to stay at a hotel and Sam is the only one that’ll help him right now. I had a feeling this would happen. Just knowing that they are still probably sleeping together hurts my heart. I talked to a lawyer this morning and we are proceeding with the divorce and Derek agreed to it.

It’s actually happening, and I feel some relief that he’s not fighting me on this. My mom leaves on Sunday, I’m scared to be alone. But I go back to work on Monday so I’m hoping it’ll be a good distraction. I’ll keep updating if anything else happens. Thank you everyone, I am so grateful for you all.

The internet continued to offer OP support.

Immaculate329 wrote:

OP, how did you find out he was staying at his ex-wife's place? Anything he says should be taken with a grain of salt. He is not true to his words in going on contact with Sam.

OP responded:

He texted me this morning after we talked to lawyers, and said he “just wants to be honest with me”… I told him to stop giving me updates on what he’s doing in his life and that it’s not something I need to know. It seems like he wanted to tell me to hurt me.

Appropriate_Pressure wrote:

I'm going to tell you something that my mother told me when people were cataclysmically cruel in this way. He's giving you "a gift". He's given you the gift of showing you exactly who he is up front, and making it easy for you to leave and never look back.

There's no wondering if you need to forgive him or if you did anything wrong. There's not going to be a time where you look up 2 years from now and wonder if you should have tried to work it out. You've been totally, completely, unequivocally wronged; and because that? You're free.

I'm so sorry that all this is happening to you. I got sick to my stomach just reading all of this and I cannot even begin to fathom how you feel. We all hurt with you when reading this. But we all know you didn't deserve it and want to see you thrive despite these awful people. Good luck. <3

Spellboundmama wrote:

I'm not surprised. See if your lawyer can be a mediator between the two of you so all unnecessary contact can be limited. I have SO much respect you for how you are moving forward and I really hope the healing comes quickly and smoothly. Have you thought about selling the house after the divorce? I know the bedroom was a place you don't want to go in right now. Selling it might be a good start to moving forward.

OP responded:

Thank you ❤️

I want to, but it’s hard because we have so many memories with Becca here.

I’ve been staying in her bedroom and it’s brought me so much comfort, I’m afraid to leave if I’m being honest, it feels like I’d be leaving a piece of her behind…but being here is also causing me stress. I’m very unsure about what I wanna do.

No-Name2946 wrote:

I’m so sorry you’re going through this but I am very glad your mom was there to help you for a little bit and that you are sticking to your decision of divorce because he’s shown you those apologies and such weren’t genuine because he’s right there with her.

I do have a question and I apologize for the topic I will explain why I am asking after. Please don’t feel like I’m asking you to give me specifics in the manner of her passing but was the passing of your step daughter expected?

I’m asking because I was wondering what the significance of three months ago was in the sense of why they started seeing each other then like I wonder if she was diagnosed with something then or if she’d been sick for a while but took a turn for the worst 3 months ago?

I’m wondering if their reunification is some sick trauma bond that they knew they were about to lose her so they turned to each other in an effort to hold onto pieces of her. If her passing wasn’t expected and she wasn’t sick, then their excuse of it being the trauma is absolute bs because that would only be the case if they started hooking up after they lost her, not three months beforehand.

The other thing that really concerns me (and I am so sorry to point this out if I’m right since it will change your view on your relationship/friendship) but do you think they got along so well/she got along so well with you because they were actively trying to pull the wool over your eyes by making you think exactly what you said in your first post about how great of a blended family dynamic y’all had?

I thought this was possible when you said it sounded like he wanted to tell you he was living with her to hurt you because that sounds like he knows it works to use your emotions to manipulate you because it’s worked in the past.

That is why I thought about how they could’ve been manipulating you by letting you see how docile and non-threatening she was to you and your marriage as a way of pulling you into a false sense of security that later allowed her to get closer to him by moving in. Was it you that came up with the idea for her to move in?

If it wasn’t, then that proves they were manipulating you. If it was your idea, think back at how the conversations leading up to you having the idea went and ask yourself was it really your idea or did they nudge you by planting seeds with comments and such to guide you to the conclusion that her moving in makes the most sense.

They could’ve done this by making comments about how lonely she is at home, how she wishes she had someone there like you guys have each other, him saying how he feels bad for her and how he wishes that yall could do something to help her.

I’m so sorry if this is true and it changes how you look at the dynamic yall had before all this came to light. But by the same token, if it’s true I hope the knowledge can help you see them for who and what they are.

Then you aren’t grieving the loss of a real person, and you can grieve the loss of someone who didn’t exist. You can look at who they are now and be happy you saw the truth and avoided further heartache. Sorry for the long comment I know I talk too much it just kinda comes out lol

OP responded:

Becca passed away in a car accident when she was with a friend and her parents, so it was very sudden and unexpected. Also, I’m the one that suggested Sam come stay with us. She was s**cidal and I was worried so I wanted to keep an eye on her.

The next day, OP shared a short update.

I decided to go through some of Becca’s stuff today. I just found her diary in a box in the back of her closet… Would it be wrong to read some of it? I feel like it would help me feel closer to her but part of me feels like it’s wrong too. I haven’t told Derek that I found it either, and I’m unsure if I should tell him...what would you do?

Commenters shared their thoughts.

gaytwinkyboy wrote:

How close were you with Becca? There may be things in there you don’t want to see. That being said I would probably read it anyway. I would definitely give it to the parents unless there is something in there they shouldn’t be reading.

OP responded:

Becca and I were very close, it felt like she told me anything and everything, but I honestly think all parents feel that way about their kids so I’m kinda nervous to read it.

DemonWolfZero wrote:

I would say read it first before deciding to tell him about it. This way, you can make sure if there is anything that she wanted him to read or if she felt insecure about telling him due to life.

If there is something that tells you she didn't like him doing something like always trying to get her to hang out with the family over spending time with friends, maybe let him know that he might be a bit upset at the fact that she didn't want to tell him about it but to understand that she might not have felt comfortable or wanting to trouble him.

But if there are some really messed up stuff don't let him know till you have talked with a lawyer about what to do.

Smooth-Trust8481 wrote:

Read it. It's yours. You may not have been her biological mother but you're just as good as a mother and would have been there every step of her way if she was still here with you. You don't have to keep it, You can give it to Derek and sam, but it may bring you peace knowing the years you spent with her was in that dairy.

Derek and sam don't really need it because they have their own "memories", and I think that you should have it in memory of her. May she rest in peace, she was taken so soon and I hope you find peace and find a way through all the drama and problems you're facing (and wall the future conflicts).

I hope you're doing better and taking your time on grieving. Know that she'll always be loved and she's in a better place watching over you. 🫶🏽❤️


If you decide to read it, please keep in mind that for some people a diary is a safe place to process raw emotions that aren't well understood.

It might not be "who" she is, if that makes sense. In part, it's a facet of who she is, or rather who she temporarily was while writing that. I probably say some real hurtful things in my diary that I don't necessarily mean. But sometimes I have to process the hurt and the anger I feel before I can come to terms with something and be ok with it.

A few days later, OP shared another update.

I figured it’s been a few days, so I should give a little update. My mom is leaving in a couple hours so I’ll be alone, I’m kinda nervous about it. She helped me stay distracted and kept me going, idk how I’m gonna handle her being gone. I go back to work tomorrow, first day back since Becca passed away. I’m looking forward to it though because it’ll keep me distracted.

Also, I did read some of Becca’s diary. It made me love her even more, she was such a sweetheart. I went back a few months and saw that she noticed some weird behavior between Derek and Sam, didn’t mention that she knew of the affair, but she just wrote that she thought it was kinda strange that they all three would hangout more than usual, without me.

I might read more, but so far I haven’t found anything that’s disturbing, just her being a teenager and talking about crushes, fights with friends, happy family memories, etc ❤️ Tomorrow I’m also talking to my lawyer so I might have more updates on that. Thanks for the continuous love and support everyone!

Support kept flowing in.

CynGuy wrote:

Just read your series of posts and had to express I wish you all the best going forward. You’ve been dealt several devastating body blows, any of which would wipe out a mere mortal.

The fact you’ve managed to endure through these struggles is a real testament to your fortitude. Wishing you all the best going forward. It will be a long road, but I hope it’s more smooth than bumpy, and that you end up at an amazing destination in the next chapter of your life.

Sea-Falcon-6063 wrote:

She must have been a lovely girl. I'm so sorry for your loss. Her parents should really be ashamed for lyingly using her d**th as an excuse for their affair. Unforgivable. Boggles the mind. You should mention this to him if he ever tried to talk to you.

"I'll never forget how you lied and used your daughter's d**th as an excuse for cheating. You'll have to live with that for the rest of your life." Going back to work and being busy is going to be good for you. Keep moving forward, you're doing great. Thank you for updating us.

mak_zaddy wrote:

I’m so sorry. I think it’s just proof that kids really notice and are observant of what’s going on. It’s heartbreaking and I’m so sorry friend.

ETA if also makes me so angry that they used her d**th as an excuse for their behavior. That’s irredeemable.

A week later, OP shared another update.

Started randomly getting a lot more messages/comments so I figured I’d do another little last update. My first week back at work went great! I wasn’t expecting it to go so well, but thankfully it did. My coworkers were so helpful and patient with me.

On Friday night I decided I didn’t want to stay home all weekend alone, so I decided to drive up to my mom’s, it helps I have a 3 day weekend so I can spend more time with her.

I’m heading back home tomorrow.

Also, for those of you that have messaged me hateful things for reading Becca’s diary, I just have to say - you aren’t in my shoes right now, telling me I’m a bad mom because I’m reading her diary is just ridiculous.

I learned so much more about her, about how caring and sweet she is, and it made me love her even more. It’s how I’m able to feel so close to her right now, so please don’t tell me I’m a bad parent for just trying to get by one of the hardest times of my life.

You have no idea what it’s like. I don’t have much of an update, so this will be it. I’ll come back and update once the divorce happens though! Thank you to those of you that have been nothing but kind and helpful, you helped me feel less alone, I’ll forever be grateful!

The comments kept coming.

imjust_abunny wrote:

I’m so happy to hear this. I don’t know what I would’ve done in your position…I probably would’ve seen red and just thrown hands…I don’t have social media but I would’ve fantasized creating a few profiles and putting them on full blast…but that’s messy…

IMO, I think the situation has been handled as well as it could have been and it’s great to see you recover from this trainwreck. I also can’t wait to hear about the divorce. Those two deserve each other. They will make each other miserable throughout their lives and then be confused as to why there’s no one meaningful left around them.

I hope that anyone they will ever have a relationship outside of themselves will have an affair too just so they know what you went through. And for anyone who is criticizing you about reading Becca’s diary, they are not living your life. You are grieving. Take all the time you need and do what you want to do. Wishing you love and peace!!!

Staceyrt wrote:

You’ve been thrown a storm to manage so do what you think is best that will get you whole to the other side. Lean on the people who support you and know that Becca is gone but lives on in your memories and how you choose to sustain them is your business. Don’t let the basement, dwelling neckbeards on Reddit even make a mark on your consciousness.

andyroo776 wrote:

Thanks for the update. Good luck with everything. I think you should be proud of your daughter and how she led her life and that she would be proud of how you are honouring her life and rebuilding yours. Don't isolate yourself, and keep moving forward. I am sure there are others out there you you will be able to live and love with. ❤️

Sea-Falcon6063 wrote:

Have a lovely weekend with your mother. Not surprising that your coworkers have been helpful and patient. These are your support, along with your close friends and family, lean on them. Don't listen to the haters. Enjoy your daughter's memories. You're going to come out of this storm okay. You'll see.

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