LateDayGamer2 writes:
My dad and stepmother got married when I (17M) was 9. My brother (15M) was almost 7. Our mom had died two years before that. It was fast and all, but we did okay with it. My dad always had a bad relationship with our mom's side of the family, and when she died, he tried to cut them off from us. But our grandparents were given visitation rights, and this was before he met our stepmother.
When my dad and stepmother got married, it was pretty obvious she didn't like the visitation setup. My dad and grandparents used an app, and they would ask for specific days, and he had to approve at least three a month. That was always how it went.
We did get asked a lot when we went home if our grandparents had mentioned our stepmother at all and if they said mean stuff about her. We always told them our grandparents didn't talk about her at all and rarely mentioned Dad.
We'd go there and do fun stuff, and sometimes we'd do something to remember Mom. But what they pictured those visits as was so totally different from what they really were. Mother's Day was a pretty bad day each year because of that. My grandparents got Mother's Day the second year after Mom died and just before Dad's wedding.
They'd ask for it every year, and my dad and stepmother didn't want us to go, but once Dad asked if we wouldn't rather spend that day with him and our stepmother instead of our grandparents, I said I liked being with Mom's family, and my brother felt the same. So my dad approved it every year. My stepmother always hated it.
They use an app for it, and it has its own calendar, and once the day has been approved, my dad can't reverse it unless my brother and I were sick. A while ago, my dad approved a date and then realized a few hours later it was my stepmother's birthday.
She was angry, and while I was at my grandparents'—which my dad and stepmother didn't know—she called and told them they had to give up the day and why. They refused. She went on this long rant about how she's tired of them acting like they should get any time with us and how they don't realize she's the most important woman in our lives.
She said she was equally, if not more, important than Mom ever was because we were so young when she died. She told my grandparents they were nothing, and sooner or later, they would realize she would always come before them with us.
It pissed me off. She had no idea I was there or that I could hear her talk to my grandparents like that. But I went home, and I started yelling at her that I heard everything and how much she sucked for talking to them like that.
Then I told her she was never important to me, and she would never, ever come before them. I said she's not my mom, and I never even saw her as family. And I said if she and Dad ever divorced, I wouldn't stay in touch with her because she was never actually important. She was just there.
My brother got home from his friend's house, and I told him what she'd said. That made him angry too. When my dad got home and found out, he told me to apologize, but I didn't. We started therapy a couple of weeks ago because my dad and stepmother wanted the apology and for us to stop being different with her.
They said it wasn't fair. My brother said she's not his mom either, and he wished Dad had never married her, and he hoped they'd get divorced because he didn't want to be in the same house as her anymore.
This pissed my dad and stepmother off because I told him about the stuff she said. Dad told me I had ruined that relationship and had treated her badly when all she did was try to explain how she had raised us and had been a part of our life longer than Mom. And he said I took that and went nuclear on her. He said I should be more understanding than that. AITA?
Complex-Foundation83 says:
I’m sorry! I just wanted to let you know my heart goes out to you! I had a friend growing up whose mother died, it was horrific. She was like a second mom to me too. I can’t imagine it first hand. Anyways about a year and a half later he remarried this woman from their church. She had two children of her own.
The new wife treated the children abominably. I hated her and again I was only the friend. So I’d say you are NTA. You do not have to like this lady at all. You probably shouldn’t go off on her. I would tell your dad first, if he listens though. If he doesn’t i would try to find away to get out soon. Go to an away college? Or move in with your grandparents? Once you are 18 you are legally an adult. Lots of love to you hang in there!
OP responded:
I have college plans in the works. But I might stay with my grandparents for the summer to get more space from my dad and stepmother.
No_Cockroach4248 says:
Your dad forgot which day was stepmother’s birthday. Before she got on her high horse and lectured your grandparents, she should have reflected on that. I am so sorry, your stepmother was extremely disrespectful to your grandparents. She has no compassion, how she could have said all that to someone who had lost their daughter is beyond me.
Your dad is equally culpable in that he is not standing up for the both of you and watering down what she said to make it sound less hurtful. NTA, ask your grandparents if you can move in with them when you turn 18. You would have read enough Reddit post to know what you need to do to get ready to move. Be there for your younger brother because they will put more pressure on him once you have moved out.
OP responded:
Yep! But she was looking for something to blame them for. I can tell from all the times she was a part of questioning what happened when we were with our grandparents. She was waiting for something she could use as an excuse to yell at them for.