'AITA for not stopping my kids from calling my boyfriend 'daddy' in front of my ex?'
"AITA for letting my twins call my boyfriend dad?"
Vera664 writes:
I (25f) and my boyfriend (28m) have been together for three years and have been living together with my twins (3m) for two years. The twins’ father (26m) and I have never been together, and he didn’t want to be a part of their lives until they were a year old.
We have a custody agreement where they go to his house every other weekend on Saturday, with me dropping them off and picking them up. However, last weekend, my boyfriend had to pick them up because I was on a work trip.
For context, the twins don’t know life without my boyfriend. We’ve been together since I found out I was pregnant, and he was there for all the ultrasounds and birth classes. He read all the books with me and was there for the labor. He loves them like his own, and in my eyes, they’re as much his kids as mine. He was up all the late nights taking care of not only me but them too.
Back to the issue: My boyfriend was picking up the kids for me (this is not the first time), and they called him "daddy" to get his attention while he was talking to my ex. He said my ex seemed okay with it at the time, and he left to take the twins home.
However, while I was at the airport, my ex called me, screaming about how undermining and disrespectful it was that the twins called my boyfriend "daddy." He also said they wouldn’t speak at his house, which I hadn’t known about, considering they don’t stop talking at my house until they fall asleep.
He then started complaining about the custody arrangement—which was originally his idea because he was working a lot—saying it was my fault because my boyfriend spends more time with the twins and that he (their father) doesn’t have enough time to bond with them. He also said it was "not right" that the twins are so comfortable with my boyfriend while his fiancée can’t even hug them without bribing them with something.
I ended up hanging up on him because my plane was boarding, and he was just screaming at me. Later, when I got home, his fiancée started calling and texting me, but I ignored her because she’s been known to have a terrible attitude toward me, even when I’m just picking up the twins.
I talked with my boyfriend to see what we should do about the twins calling him "daddy." He said it’s up to me—he loves it but would understand if I told them to stop. The thing is, I love that my twins call him "dad." I feel like he’s earned it, but I don’t know if I’m being a jerk because my ex is in their lives and is their father.
Here are the top rated comments from the post.
AvalonWood says:
NTA. Your boyfriend is the Dad that your twins have known, he’s always been there and they have made the choice to call him Daddy. I would be concerned about the twins behaviour around your ex and his fiancée, they seem like they don’t feel comfortable and your ex should NOT be forcing them to hug someone they aren’t happy to hug even if it is his fiancée.
Sorry, but the ex needs to put on his big boy pants and realise that he hasn’t made the effort and that has affected his relationship with his kids. Don’t stop your kids from expressing themselves, if they feel comfortable calling your boyfriend Daddy then let them!
ReviewOk929 says:
NTA - Just because the sperm donor is being an asshole is no reason for you to change the twins reality of who they see, who they call and who in reality has been operating as their Dad. It's also going to be up to them as they grow older and if they want to call the other guy Dad as they grow up they can. You've no need to change anything right now.
electrolitebuzz says:
I can think of at least 3 friends and old classmates who grew up with a stepdad and were still in a good relationship with the biological dad and all of them called both of them "dad".
NTA, the biological father needs to work on his insecurity and jealousy - which is totally understandable, but he can't expect you to forbid your children to call your boyfriend "dad", it's actually very healthy for them to see him as their father. If their father and his fiancé can't bond with the twins as much, they should work on understanding why and becoming closer to them.
Younggod9 says:
NTA. Your boyfriend has been a constant, loving, and supportive presence in your twins’ lives since before they were born. It’s natural for them to see him as a father figure and call him “dad.”
While it’s understandable that your ex feels upset, especially if he wants a closer bond with the twins, this situation is a result of his choices and limited involvement early on. Your boyfriend earned that role by stepping up, and it’s not fair to ask your kids to stop expressing their bond with him to appease your ex’s insecurities.