'My wife admitted to me that she has an intense crush on her personal trainer. What’s next?' UPDATED
"My (38m) wife (38f) admitted to me that she has quite an intense crush on her personal trainer. What’s the next step?"
We’ve been together 15 years, married for 10. In that time she’s always done something fitness wise be it running or the gym or cycling. About a year ago she decided she wanted to be stronger. She started doing weights at the gym and she was getting there but around four months ago she said she needed some guidance and started doing sessions with one of the gym's personal trainers.
She was really enjoying it and about a month ago upped it from two sessions a week to three. There was been a notable change in her strength and I was happy for her as she seemed really proud of herself. Then this weekend she dropped a bombshell on me.
I had noticed our bedroom life had pretty much come to a stop a couple of months ago an I spoke to her about it and she said she was sorry it was just the stress of starting a new job mixed with the cold weather and she just wasn’t in the mood. I thought that was fair enough and I’d leave it and let her lead the pace when she was ready to again.
Well this weekend she told me that she has developed a very intense crush on her PT and that while she knows crushes happen in relationships this feels like it’s more. She said she finds herself constantly seeking his attention either at the gym or on social media. She has started tagging him in all her posts but I just assumed it was more of a giving credit thing.
Then she admitted she has started wearing less and less at the gym to get his attention which is something I hadn’t noticed as she always takes a gym bag with her and gets changed there. She admitted that the last few times we had sex she fantasized that it was him and that’s why she stopped getting intimate as she felt too guilty.
Probably the worst thing she told me was that a few days ago she saw him having a personal session with someone else, a younger woman more his age, and she saw them laughing together and she got that jealous and upset she had to leave the gym and go cry in her car. She said he has done nothing to encourage this and has been nothing but professional through out all this and he is not at fault.
I don’t know what to do I’m crushed. Do I just sit back and wait for the crush to stop? Do I demand she changes gym and blocks this guy? We’ve all had crushes in relationships and eventually they go but I feel like this one won’t she’s being alone with him three times a week and follows him on all her social media accounts.
I feel like distance is how you get over this but I don’t want to come across as controlling. What do you think? She doesnt want to change anything and thinks it will just go away on its own.
TL;DR: my wife has a crush on her pt and we are struggling to deal with it.
Here's what people had to say to OP:
RichieJ86 wrote
If I'm being honest, I only ever find this problem of people when they intentionally fly too close to the sun. Her problem wasn't necessarily the crush, it was that she actively, and willingly, fed into it.
Most sane people that care for their marriages and relationships will immediately see the problem and try to move as far from it as possible — that's the impasse. You either dump the cold water on it or you add accelerant. She didn't.
She made every attempt, pulled every stop, to make it more than a crush and failed the wife test — that's a scary thought. There's so many people out there that turn down a flirt and romantic gesture out of respect for their partners... yeah, she needs therapy. And you need to reevaluate your marriage because she's hanging on by a thread.
OP responded:
That’s a tough but necessary read.
Used_emu9339 wrote:
Ultimately it's up to your wife to stop seeing this trainer and stay away from him in order to recommit herself to you.
OP responded:
I think this is the option I’m leaning towards the most. I think only distance can cure this.
themocking-bird wrote:
This isn't a crush. Best case scenario, it's a one-sided emotional affair. Her crying over him talking to someone else shows that. As is her seeking out his attention online and in-person. None of this is normal, or okay.
"She doesn't want to change anything and thinks it will just go away on its own."
My guy, she cried because he talked to another girl. This isn't some benign crush. She's going out of her way to get his attention online, and in person with revealing clothes. She's already shown she's incapable of separating her feelings. You shouldn't ask her to quit seeing the trainer, or to go no contact. If she was remorseful, she'd do it on her own.
OP responded:
I agree with you and she’s refusing couples counseling. I don’t know what to do next.
joebranflakes wrote:
I think, after reading some of your other responses, she is in denial. She thinks she can have her cake and eat it too. She can keep your relationship while indulging her fantasy. I think it’s past time for subtly. You cannot live like this, and she needs to know you don’t exist to provide her with stability so she can lust after someone else. That unless she takes steps, you will have to take your own.
OP responded:
I agree everyone has crushes but not like this. I’m going to talk to her tonight.
KeyMathematician3296 wrote:
This is a tough one. Gonna require tough love. I would start by saying she needs a new gym and possibly female trainer. No contact with this guy and counseling. I know she doesn’t want to, but she’s the one who needs to put in the work, not you.
Now, she can say no to any of this, which is her choice. However it’s also your choice whether or not to be in this relationship. She hasn’t physically cheated not because she loves you, she hasn’t done it because she didn’t want to be labeled a cheater. There’s a difference.
OP responded:
That’s what I think. I think if she got some heavy encouragement back she would cheat. I’ve never thought this about her before. I’m going to tell her she needs to quit that gym and block him on socials.
jamicam wrote:
I think you need to tell her that she should find a new trainer if she values and respects your marriage.
Three days later, OP shared an update.
So I spoke to my wife the night after my original post.
I said she needs to leave her personal trainer, Quit that gym, and we need to start going to couples counseling.
She wasn’t happy and started arguing saying it’s only a crush and it’ll pass and she’s making good progress and then started to frame it as me not caring about her health. Once she realised I wasn’t budging she started trying to bargain with me and saying what if she stopped seeing the personal trainer could she still go to the gym and if she sleeping with me again we don’t need couples counselling.
I lost my temper at this point I admit and shouted “enough! I want to know everything! Tell me everything you’ve done! I want to read your messages with him! I want to see these outfits you are wearing! I need to know everything now!” She said fine and stormed off upstairs.
She came back down wearing an outfit that was a bit much to be fair for the gym in a cold country but I didn’t say anything and asked to see her phone. She said she deleted the messages. When I asked why she was honest and said she sent him a topless selfie on Christmas Day while I was downstairs cooking the dinner for her bloody family!
She then said that while she’s confessing she also kissed another man on a night out in the first year of our relationship. I already knew this because her friend who fancied me at the time told me about it. I asked her why him and not me. What’s he got that I haven’t.
She said nothing and it was more about the situation than him. She said she’s starting to feel regret and like she missed out on her youth. She had a boyfriend from school to her early 20s, was single for a year and then met me. She said she’s started to regret not having more fun and she’s starting to enjoy attention from other men more and more especially younger men.
When she was telling me originally she said a couple of times “I’m not planning on doing anything it’s just a fantasy, unless you want me to do something” with a nervous laughter and at the time it felt a bit like she wanted to do something but was trying to frame it as my idea but I never really clicked properly.
I asked her if when she told me she was expecting me to give her permission and she said she genuinely thought because I don’t get jealous I’d be ok with it I still feel like I wasn’t being given everything though.
The outfit and the kiss confession felt like distractions and something was missing. Even telling me about all this in the first place felt a bit like ah was trying to get her story in before someone else told me. I said I’m going for a drive and then went to the gym to speak to her personal trainer. I approached him and said I’m not here for trouble I understand my wife has been harassing you.
He wasn’t happy being approached this way which I get but he asked me who my wife was and when I told him he said he knew something like this was going to happen. He told me that he hadn’t trained her since Christmas as he let her go after she had been sending pictures (plural not just the one she told me about).
He said since then she had kept messaging but he ignored her. He let me read the messages and she had sent 12 pictures over a three month period. One was fully naked and when he told her not to send them she said she was just showing her progress.
The worst part though was she was messaging him stuff like “we’ve had another argument could really do with a session to burn off some anger” and “he’s out drinking with his friends again ignoring me, I’m so lonely” neither of which are true and then she told him mid December that she had kicked me out and we were divorcing!
With the Christmas Day picture she even said “first Christmas alone” and just last week she messaged him saying I was already seeing someone else!
I thanked him and asked him to send me them and went home. When I got home she was already gone and just wrote me a note saying sorry. She’s at her friend’s house and we’ve been texting a bit the last couple of days and have a marriage counsellor booked for next week but I think it’s done.
I’m not even that bothered about the pictures or the flirting or the outfit. The lying about me and our marital status. I don’t drink and we hadn’t argued in years. I’m downstairs entertaining her family while she’s sending nudes (she’s never sent me one) and telling him she’s alone.
I’m working all this weekend to try and keep my mind busy. Sorry if I don’t reply quick enough and thank you to everyone who took the time to read and reply to my last post.
TLDR: it was a lot worse than she originally let on.
Here's what people had to say to OP's update:
Iffybiz wrote:
This was well beyond a crush. This was her actively trying to cheat. If he had been willing she absolutely would have slept with him.
OP responded:
I 100% agree.
NoContest9016 wrote:
All things considered, personal trainer is quite a decent guy.
They could have been humping like rabbits if he was receptive of your wife’s action.
OP responded:
Yeah he was a good guy to me. He sent over 20 screenshots.
AsterFlauros wrote:
If she thinks she can do better, let her try. Even the trainer saw through her crap and didn’t want her. Don’t stay with someone who takes you for granted instead of seeing the prize that you are. Cooking for your in-laws on Christmas Day is something that many women could only dream of.
OP responded:
Thank you. At least the in-laws appreciated it.
00Lisa00 wrote:
If the trainer had reciprocated she would drop you in a heartbeat. She’s just keeping you around to not be alone or possibly for financial reasons. It’s over.
OP responded:
I know you’re right.
A2RonMS24 wrote:
Yuck. Sorry you're going through this. I don't think anyone could blame you if you we're just done. Slandering you just to gain the attention of another man is pretty ugly stuff. I don't think that only comments on her emotional state, I think it really shows a lack of character.
OP responded:
Yeah that hurts more than any picture or revealing outfit.