'My wife told me she's bi and wants to explore for a year. What can I do to stop her?' UPDATED 2X
"My (M32) wife (F28) told me she is bi and wants to explore for a year. What can I do to stop her from doing this?"
My wife and I have been married for 4 years. She has never said anything about being attracted to other women. Last week she sat me down and told me she is experiencing being attracted to women and would like to explore this. She said she would only do this for a year to "get it out of her system."
I'm not comfortable with this and am not sure how to handle this. I told her I didn't want her to do this, but she said she needed to or would otherwise start to resent me.
I'm at a loss for how to handle this. She is the love of my life and I don't know that I want her sleeping with women.
Commenters had a lot to say in response.
Artistic_Musician_78 wrote:
So she wants to cheat on your marriage vows basically. Being bisexual isn't some magic not really cheating hack; I'm bi and have never had difficulty understanding that when I'm in a relationship it means I can't kiss other men nor women, because that is cheating.
ShyBookWorm23 wrote:
Is she comfortable with you exploring other partners as well? She is basically asking for an open relationship… so you need to decide if this is for you or a marriage killer…sorry…
OP responded:
I don't think she would be.
Mmoct wrote:
You can’t stop her, but you can file for divorce.
Dr_drinks wrote:
Cheating is cheating, regardless of gender. Either you can live with a year of both of you seeing others and you mutually open the relationship for a year, or you’re not ok with it and you say no. But giving her full permission to explore for a year while you can do nothing is deeply unfair and a way of using gender as an argument for her to cheat while you remain faithful.
disguisedingold wrote:
I’m bisexual as well, and it’s a fact that’s more or less no longer relevant in my life because I chose to marry my husband. I made vows to him, him to me, and neither of us have any excuse nor desire to be with others.
Her backing you into a corner is really sh#$ty, and if she doesn’t work on her heart and mind to make a shift in her chosen desires, it’s likely the end of the relationship, no fault of yours. You’re in the right, and I would encourage you not to waver. Respect yourself by not playing into this in the slightest.
A few hours later, OP shared an update.
Update: After seeing a bunch of comments that my wife may have cheated, I called her at work and talked with her. I asked what prompted this so suddenly and she was being short at first but eventually said she had slept with a woman on a work trip. Then confessed it was a couple(man and wife). She had gone to New York last month and met this couple and went to their room after drinks.
I hung up the phone and haven't responded to any of her calls or messages. Right now I'm sitting in my office unsure of what I'm going to do.
Thank you all for the comments. I really appreciate the support here. If anyone has some divorce tips I'll take them.
The internet continued to have OP's back.
trvllvr wrote:
Yeah, she was trying to make her cheating ok by stating she’s now bi and wants to explore. She didn’t care it would hurt you. Also, being bi isn’t a free pass for non-monogamy. Plenty of bi individuals choose to be committed to one partner. You entered the relationship under the guise of a purely monogamous relationship.
Her “awakening,” doesn’t mean you would have had to agree to her exploring. She was using it to manipulate. She wants to explore, she can do it on her own. I couldn’t get past the betrayal and lies to cover it. Couldn’t trust again. She’s made it clear her priorities, and unfortunately, doesn’t seem to be your marriage.
Definitely lawyer up and figure out your options. ETA: Also, if you have shared finances, separate them. Take your portion, not all of it just yours alone, and put it in an account under only your name. Have any wages to deposit in the new account. Follow what your lawyer says, but be sure to protect yourself.
Rip_Dirtbag wrote:
Yeah, my wife is bi and we’re monogamous. Effectively, her being bi at this point simply means she finds men and women attractive and if we ever did divorce, her dating pool would be much larger than mine. It does not mean that she gets to have sex with women because that part of her s#$uality isn’t being catered to as a woman married to a man.
A few hours later, OP shared another update.
My wife cheated on me with a couple. I found out this morning. What should I do? I'm at a loss. I've been at work and have been having a hard time focusing. Tonight I'm going to stay at a friend's house. I still haven't talked to my wife since she told me the truth this morning.
I'm pretty sure I'm going to leave, but am struggling with tearing my life apart and leaving her.
Edit: Please continue to send pics of your dogs. Those are cheering me up!
The comments kept coming.
ConnectionQuick5692 wrote:
Cheating is the most disgraceful and disgusting thing a partner can do that’s hurtful and annoying af. You can never ever forgive cheating unless you did cheat on her too. If you ever cheated on her then you both are equal. If you were loyal and she wasn’t, even if you forgive her she might just end up leaving you with a wealthier men she get laid next.
You can never trust a cheating partner again. Don’t cry over disloyal partner, she’s not worth being sad about. You’re lucky that you found out. Focus on yourself and life. Get evidence and lawyer, focus on your future and personal growth. You didn’t deserve this, stay strong 💪🏼 You can do this.
DoctorPizzle wrote:
Dude, do not even entertain a single idea of “oh well maybe she might change” or “maybe I can get over this”.
Get a lawyer, and leave, soon as possible.
Take some time, heal, and be the best person you can without her. Even though it hurts now, you will do better, and you deserve someone better.
Definitely_Deterred wrote:
Kids or no? If no kids, bounce 1000%. If kids, bounce 1000% but hire a good lawyer who has dealt with custody issues…just bounce.