'My wife came home upset because she was hungry and I didn't have a meal prepared. AITA?'

"My wife came home upset because she was hungry and I didn't have a meal prepared. AITA?"

Backstory: I (m32) have been married to my wife (f31) for 5 years. My wife has always made the meals and I have always cleaned up for the most part. I have tried to cook for her before, but she just rejects it and tells me she doesn't like it.

She keeps bringing up that I put cinnamon in scrambled eggs once, which I definitely do not remember doing, but she 100% believes I did that so I am not going to argue with her over it. I work one 8 hour shift and two 16 hour shifts on Friday, Saturday, and Sunday respectively. She works a retail job and is there 5x a week with a varying schedule.

She usually cleans up dishes on the weekend because I am not home to do them and I have gotten upset in the past coming home Monday to a large amount of dishes from over the weekend. So what happened tonight was I was off today and relaxing while I waited for her to get off.

In my head she was going to get home, maybe cook, and we'd hit the gym. Instead she called me and asked me to start cutting up steaks for Mongolian beef. So I do that and she walks in the door and tells me "your parked like an AH. You couldn't leave me any room, I could barely get out." I ask her why she is so upset and she said "I am so hungry and I have to cook a whole ass meal after working all day."

I respond "You woulda had to do that anyway and I would make it for you, but you hate my cooking and wont eat it anyway." She responds "You don't even fucking try." So I went upstairs and started making this post hoping to just give her some space to calm down. She came up crying a little bit ago. In my head it feels like she thinks I am weaponizing incompetence.

In my own world, that's not it. I know how to cook, but I'm not joking. Every time I have made something she didn't want any of it and made her own stuff. I know she wants a hot meal after work, but I am just here thinking I was being respectful by listening to her when she says she doesn't want my cooking when now she wants me to have food prepared. I'm so confused. AITA?

Here's what people had to say to OP:

OhwhatnowFFS wrote:

What if you had a snack ready for her when she got home? Something like an appetizer- veggies and hummus, chips and dip, cut cheese and grapes? She's gonna be tired and hangry, that's a given.

This way she can change, get off her feet and have a little nibble while she regroups and then start dinner. It might be helpful if you can do some prep work before she arrives. Chop, open cans, grate cheese, preheat the oven, whatever.

Monsteramom3 wrote:

YES. My spouse is not the greatest at cooking economically so I typically cook all our meals. But it means the absolute world if, after a day that I worked and they didn't, they have a little snacking plate set up when I get back. Literally even just like a peeled orange or an apple and some PB. It shows me they're thinking about me and we're approaching the day as a team.

Jack_Stuart_M23 wrote:

I dunno what judgement to make, but y'all need better communication. Not defensively, but tell her that you don't want to make food if she won't eat or complain about it. That's understandable. She should be appreciative-- and you should be at least equally appreciative when she cooks.

But you also need to sincerely be willing to do some of the cooking, if she wants you to, particularly when she is working and you are home. This also means being willing to improve your cooking. Let her teach you, if she can do it nicely. And you both need to stop being so mean to each other.

Not long after posting, OP shared three updates.

Update. She came upstairs and covered her head and anytime I tried to ask her if she wanted me to get her anything to eat she said no and that she will have sleep for dinner. I suggested takeout and listed places I knew she liked until she stopped saying no and said "I don't know." So now I am here at a chicken place picking up her go to meal. At this particular place.

Update 2: I get 5 hours of sleep both mornings that I have to get up for work, sat and sun, if that and I feel horrible on those days. I get no time to myself on those weekend work days and can never attend any weekend social events. By the time Sunday night quitting time rolls around I am deceased.

I'm responsible for all the housework during the week minus the cooking. I also deliver groceries whenever I run out of things to do at home, but this is on a "if I feel like it" kind of basis I drive for spark. She gets to go home after work every night and sleep a full 8-9 hours. She doesn't really have to do many chores besides cooking.

Update 3: yes I do all the chores except cooking. Every single one by myself. Very few exceptions. Her doing her own dishes on the weekend is one. When guests are coming or we have a party is the other. We talked, she was upset specifically because I ate at 5pm without her. She wanted me to think of her and bring her something and eat with her even if it was some takeout or snacks.

Here's what people had to say to OP's updates:

Adventurous_Half1989 wrote:

Yeah I am going with YTA. Your wife is CRYING IN ANOTHER ROOM and your solution is to go upstairs to write this post to "give her a second." I don't know why you would come here to paint yourself as virtually blameless to every aspect of her problem or her inability to communicate that problem and want us on your side.

Even if this issue feels unfair to you right this second, she is your wife and you have an obligation to find a solution, not ask strangers on the internet what they think. She even managed to communicate to you that she wants to be thought of! That's literally it.

If you can't cook, learn. If you don't want to learn, get her a meal out every once in a while to show you've thought about her. You have time to deliver groceries for funsies, but not time to clean the dishes or cook a meal? Get real. I'm wishing you both the best, but seriously, communicating with your wife is far more important than being right and that makes you the AH here.

RicardoMontoya45 wrote:

If you make enough income by yourself, perhaps she can stay home and take care of the house, cook, etc. A lot of women who did what they were told by their mom become enraged like this. That way she wouldn't complain about working on top of her responsibilities at home?

outrageouslyhonest wrote:

Sounds like she might need a therapist and a psychologist if this is a regular thing. Maybe undiagnosed ADHD or autism. Such high preferences is too much but then feeling overwhelmed by others trying and it not being right.

It does seem like there's a gap between her doing all the cooking and you doing none. I wonder if there are other gaps with chores too, sounds like you do so many.

Can you take over cutting up the veggies or keeping the fruit in the house stocked and she takes over wiping down the bathroom? Random suggestions. I really do think there's something she's feeling that she doesn't know how to verbalize or maybe doesn't even know what she's feeling, and therefore can't tell you because she doesn't know her self.