'AITA for wanting to divorce my wife because giving birth changed her and that makes me like her less?'
Is it wrong to want a divorce because my wife changed after she got pregnant?
Curiouspant writes:
When my wife was pregnant, her libido dropped. I searched around on the internet and found out that it's very common during pregnancy and the postpartum period. So I didn't push it any further. After she gave birth, still no bedroom activity. I waited for a year to broach the conversation about it because apparently breastfeeding decreases libido.
After a lot of discussions, we went to therapy. Couples therapy was a very different experience for me; my wife was just better at talking about her feelings. So I was advised to go to individual therapy to help me with it.
I found a guy, and we hit it off instantly. He's my type of therapist, no BS kind of guy. Calls you out on your BS and then accurately explains what's going on. Our couple's therapist is a woman and very preachy in the way she talks; I prefer a more direct approach.
A few months into couples therapy, the conclusion was that I need to manage my expectations regarding our sexual life. That we are not going to be having as much and the quality won't be what it once was.
So I asked my therapist if I have to manage my expectations, and he said not really, if I don't want to. He said there is nothing wrong with having expectations and if my wife can't meet them, she can't meet them. What I can't do is agree to compromise and then hold it against her.
I thought about it and decided that compromise is not for me. I do not want to be in a relationship that is not intimately satisfying. I've given two years to this relationship and I'm not willing to give more. And it seems like the couple's therapist and my wife are trying to make me be okay with a subpar intimate life.
So I communicated it in therapy and the therapist's response was basically that yes, she is doing what I think she is doing but I should see it in a positive light because she knows what she is doing and I don't. I told them that divorce is a good solution here because I will never be the one to manage my expectations.
The therapist said she wants to talk more about it and I told her I am not willing to give you more money and whether she would do it for free. She didn't say anything and I just smiled and walked away.
I ended our couple's therapy and asked my wife for a divorce. She is not happy about it and now wants to work on our relationship. But a relationship without a good intimate life is not a good goal worth fighting for, for me.
She said she will work towards it, I said do it then. It's been two days, nothing has changed really. I mean she has all the time she needs before the divorce is finalized so that's that, but I am not hopeful. I am giving more to this relationship than I am getting back from it. It's not sustainable. I think divorce is best for both of us. AITA?
Here's what people had to say to OP:
xhailxanax says:
There isn't a lot of talk about your wife's desires or wants, just yours. Honestly? It isn't a good look. YTA (You're the A%@^ole).
Sad-Kale-8179 says:
Just admit that you wanted the easiest and fastest solution based on your post. You want sex and you want it NOW. Wife and child (your family) be damned. Am I right? Your wife will probably get her groove back once she's with someone who values her and is willing to work hard for the relationship.
AccordingStruggle417 says:
No mention of the child. Not even one.
SignatureTimely6839 says:
Nothing has changed in two days!?!? Oh my god!?! You are the a^#*ole.
rebootsaresuchapain says:
I feel we are missing huge pieces of info here. There is not a single line which mentions what he has done to improve his wife’s state of mind, circumstances so she wants to be with him intimately. He just said she’s not worked on it and now I’m divorcing her.
It’s all on her and he doesn’t think any of this is on him. He doesn’t even sound like you see any value in her outside the bedroom. Maybe the compromise was explained as that if he doesn’t step up and emotionally support his wife, or physically support her as a parent/chores, then the lack of what he wants will be the causality because wife is exhausted from carrying the mental load.
What do you think? Is OP right to want a divorce?