'AITA for not believing my wifes full 'brain fog' story about her months long affair?'
"AITA for not believing my wife about how she betrayed me?"
Normal-Astronaut-930 writes:
My (42M) wife (40F) cheated on me and had an affair. She went to a work conference, met a guy who lived out of state, flirted… and I found some weird messages. She saved his number in her phone under a girl's name, but I could tell something was wrong.
She was acting off and strange, so I went through her deleted messages and deleted photos and found evidence. She’d been having an affair with this guy, John. After I confronted her, she admitted it—they started texting during the conference, he said he wished she was in the shower with him, and it kept escalating.
She sent him provocative photos; he asked her to read a book on how great affairs are (Esther Perel); they sent lewd texts; she’d dream about him; he convinced her to fly to see him… and that was it. That’s it. No more. That was all.
She told me it was only ever a few pics. He never sent anything to her. They never kissed, never slept together, and she has told me everything. She’s begged for forgiveness, said it’s the most stupid thing she’s ever done, it’s the number one regret of her life, and she can’t believe how tricked she was, etc., etc.
I think I can forgive her if she’s honest with me and still loves me. I still love her. Yet… I don’t believe her. Do I? Am I an idiot if I believe her? If I don’t believe her, it will consume me and destroy our relationship (do we still have a relationship?). Can I trust her again?
Am I an a%#$ole if I can’t ever believe what she said about her affair? Clarifying that I confronted her before she was able to fly to their agreed rendezvous. Further info—affair partner “John” is married and has two kids but has an open marriage.
I believe it is only open on his side. I reached out to his wife to tell her, and she brushed it off as nothing. She knew something of the affair but didn’t say how much. She also seemed to think my wife was obsessed with him and that John wasn’t as interested, etc. It was a one-sided infatuation from John’s wife’s perspective.
We touched base a second time, where she apologized to me and said that I was right and that it was an affair and more intense than what she knew, but she wouldn’t talk to me about it. My wife said John was trying to talk his wife into a threesome with her. I hate open marriages—thanks for attacking my marriage, a%#$oles. Everyone knew about it but me.
Here are the top rated comments that OP responded to from the post.
NarwhalEmergency9391 says:
When she said 'he tricked her' that means she was ready to go all in but she fell for a guy who used her and wanted nothing to do with her so she's running back to you.
OP responded:
Yeah, this is what I feel too. She says something like brain fog, naivety, being manipulated or limerence.
lowprofile47 says:
Is your wife willing to change jobs so you don't have to travel anymore? Or making any changes? Because if not, there's no point in forgiving her because she might do it again. Have you read the book too? To understand what went through her head?
OP responded:
I have since read the book. I understand why some people call Esther Perel an affair apologist - apart from her obligatory disclaimer, she makes affairs sound amazing, self-discovering, fulfilling, and cathartic.
She has made small changes but not to her job. She was angry at me when I told her it would be inappropriate for her to go to the next work conference - and she started bargaining to try and go whilst keeping me happy.